InDeepshit
Well-known member
deleted
No assertiveness skills
- Thread starter InDeepshit
- Start date
Korexico
Member
Yeah, I have the same problem.
Even in situations similar (but not quite as extreme) to your younger sister's where one is well within their rights to assert themselves, I often do not assert myself. To be sure, this has had a negative impact on my social and dating life.
I think it's just that people with low self-esteem don't want to "rock the boat" for fear of being noticed or in the spotlight. I fight it by telling myself that no one's perfect and that you can't rely on people to stick up for you all the time. Not much in the way of original advice, but I definitely empathize if that helps. All the best.
Even in situations similar (but not quite as extreme) to your younger sister's where one is well within their rights to assert themselves, I often do not assert myself. To be sure, this has had a negative impact on my social and dating life.
I think it's just that people with low self-esteem don't want to "rock the boat" for fear of being noticed or in the spotlight. I fight it by telling myself that no one's perfect and that you can't rely on people to stick up for you all the time. Not much in the way of original advice, but I definitely empathize if that helps. All the best.
InDeepshit
Well-known member
deleted
EveM
Well-known member
I think I'm okish with assertiveness but not great at it. Saying that, I don't really get in to many situations where I have to anyway.
I do remember a time when I did assert myself though, when I started a new school, a girl in my class was trying to look through my messages and pictures on my phone and I said "no, it's private". That wasn't too hard though for some reason, maybe because she was quite a nice person. I think in the past I used to let people walk all over me but it's only more recently that I managed to stand up to them.
If someone directly did something to me though, I'm not sure if I would. Like if someone bumps in to me in the street or somewhere, I'm usually the one who says sorry even if it wasn't my fault
I think it can be different with strangers and with people you know.. do you notice any difference there with yourself?
I do remember a time when I did assert myself though, when I started a new school, a girl in my class was trying to look through my messages and pictures on my phone and I said "no, it's private". That wasn't too hard though for some reason, maybe because she was quite a nice person. I think in the past I used to let people walk all over me but it's only more recently that I managed to stand up to them.
If someone directly did something to me though, I'm not sure if I would. Like if someone bumps in to me in the street or somewhere, I'm usually the one who says sorry even if it wasn't my fault
I think it can be different with strangers and with people you know.. do you notice any difference there with yourself?
HexNoir
Well-known member
Yeah, I'm not assertive on a regular basis. But if I get pushed enough, you can get me pissed enough to actually stand up for myself! But as for your sister, she sounds a lot like me. I'm almost nice to a fault... but it's really out of fear, not because I want to phase myself out or get walked on (figuratively or literally!) or anything. So I guess I can relate.
In an odd way, I have to thank my family for nitpicking and doing little shit here and there to set me off. We generally get along great, but nobody's going to be as brutally honest as your own family members. So we tend to kind of push eachother to the edge, so to speak. And in a weird way, it's definitely helped me to realize that nobody's going to stand up for you. At times, you just have to stand up and give it your all.
Anyway, what I've learned through my 18 year existence so far is that emotions play a huge role in the shy/unassertive process. If you keep stuffing your emotions down, you're going to get hurt. And the more you get hurt is the worse it's going to be when the cap finally comes off. I used to cry (cause I'm a pussy), but now I just get angry. And somehow, I'd rather have that than to keep stuffing my true feelings down inside.
So my tip - if you can, let her know that she's awesome and she should never let anyone step on her. Sounds like you really care about her, so that always helps when you're trying to get the point across. Also, let her know that she should never be taken advantage of. It's human nature to dominate those that are weak, sort of like what dogs and wolves do - so if somebody perceives her as weak (example, your younger relative), that person will not hesitate to do whatever they want, because they know she won't speak up. However, is she does speak up, they'll more than likely leave her alone.
Like I said, I've been walked on many times due to this mentality by friends, family members, a dickwad of a boss - and I've finally realized why the hell people always seem to be fine with fucking with me.. or just being as brutally honest as they please - because they know I won't say anything in return. I guess you just gotta let that cap off and spray your feelings (weather it's anger, sadness, excitement, happiness etc) out and let it be known that you're not gonna take shit. Somehow it actually works
In an odd way, I have to thank my family for nitpicking and doing little shit here and there to set me off. We generally get along great, but nobody's going to be as brutally honest as your own family members. So we tend to kind of push eachother to the edge, so to speak. And in a weird way, it's definitely helped me to realize that nobody's going to stand up for you. At times, you just have to stand up and give it your all.
Anyway, what I've learned through my 18 year existence so far is that emotions play a huge role in the shy/unassertive process. If you keep stuffing your emotions down, you're going to get hurt. And the more you get hurt is the worse it's going to be when the cap finally comes off. I used to cry (cause I'm a pussy), but now I just get angry. And somehow, I'd rather have that than to keep stuffing my true feelings down inside.
So my tip - if you can, let her know that she's awesome and she should never let anyone step on her. Sounds like you really care about her, so that always helps when you're trying to get the point across. Also, let her know that she should never be taken advantage of. It's human nature to dominate those that are weak, sort of like what dogs and wolves do - so if somebody perceives her as weak (example, your younger relative), that person will not hesitate to do whatever they want, because they know she won't speak up. However, is she does speak up, they'll more than likely leave her alone.
Like I said, I've been walked on many times due to this mentality by friends, family members, a dickwad of a boss - and I've finally realized why the hell people always seem to be fine with fucking with me.. or just being as brutally honest as they please - because they know I won't say anything in return. I guess you just gotta let that cap off and spray your feelings (weather it's anger, sadness, excitement, happiness etc) out and let it be known that you're not gonna take shit. Somehow it actually works
recluse
Well-known member
I have poor assertive skills, and it sucks! I feel like a wimp! I'm afraid of speaking out in case that person will hate me.
I was worse when i was younger though, one example being at work during dinner breaks. A few of my co-workers used to hound me for rides to Mcdonalds because most of them didn't drive, and i agreed to take them because i was afraid that if i refused they would hate me, but i'm not as bad as that now. But i realise now that they would hate me anyway regardless of the fact i gave them a ride. God! I hate myself for being so submissive.
I was worse when i was younger though, one example being at work during dinner breaks. A few of my co-workers used to hound me for rides to Mcdonalds because most of them didn't drive, and i agreed to take them because i was afraid that if i refused they would hate me, but i'm not as bad as that now. But i realise now that they would hate me anyway regardless of the fact i gave them a ride. God! I hate myself for being so submissive.