New friends ditched me tonight...confront them?

[JA2007]

Brief personal background:

I'm a 24 year old female, live in the US. Haven't posted here in about 4 years but frequently read posts. I forgot my old username so I registered a new one. I have SA but in the past few years have learned to live with it and am attempting to live a normal life. I moved to a new state with my boyfriend about 3 years ago and am still trying to make friends here. Social interaction is still difficult for me but I push myself because I am tired of being lonely.

I invited some people to come over to my house tonight. I talked to them all about it 2 weeks ago and up until this morning everyone confirmed that they were coming. I bought "refreshments" and cleaned my house. I've been so nervous all day knowing that these people barely know each other (only as acquaintences) and that I was going to be a host for a whole evening (terrifying and liberating at the same time).

Just a few hours before they were supposed to show up people start sending me texts saying they can't make it for various reasons. I went from expecting 4 people, to expecting none. And their reasons were sketchy, like "I have to work early in the morning" and "i forgot I was having my niece spend the night".

So now I'm pissed and hurt all at the same time. I almost cried about it in front of my boyfriend and that makes me feel like I'm about 5 years old.

Advise needed: Should I let these people know that I was hurt/let down and that they shouldn't have said they were coming only to back out at the last minute? I don't want to scare them off, but I don't want to let them do this again to me. I am really sensitive.

 

[2Crowded]

I dont know...if you really liked these people...maybe re schedual the party for a week or so from now....tell them they are invited again becuase you post poned it last time cause everyone was busy....if they dont show this time I'd forget them...but thats just me maybe....I'v not been known to throw parties to often but good for you for trying.

:?:

 

[Marie1988]

can i honestly say to you that its nothing to do with you mate, like the reason they didnt come was not because of you. I take it these are all work colleuges or something? some people dont want to mix their work with the pleasure, and they proberly didnt want to come because like you said their all aquaintances and maybe they didnt wanna spend their spare time with these people? not everyone is eager to make new friends, and i dunno how old you are, but maybe there at a age where they have there social life and they have their work life, and they dont mix it.
If you feel you want to say something, then wait until you see them and just say its fine if you cant make it, but you could of said abit earlier. dont say to them i was so hurt! because they will proberly think its abit wierd that you care so much, they dont have SA i assume.
hope this helped

 

[Thelema]

Brief personal background:

I'm a 24 year old female, live in the US. Haven't posted here in about 4 years but frequently read posts. I forgot my old username so I registered a new one. I have SA but in the past few years have learned to live with it and am attempting to live a normal life. I moved to a new state with my boyfriend about 3 years ago and am still trying to make friends here. Social interaction is still difficult for me but I push myself because I am tired of being lonely.

I invited some people to come over to my house tonight. I talked to them all about it 2 weeks ago and up until this morning everyone confirmed that they were coming. I bought "refreshments" and cleaned my house. I've been so nervous all day knowing that these people barely know each other (only as acquaintences) and that I was going to be a host for a whole evening (terrifying and liberating at the same time).

Just a few hours before they were supposed to show up people start sending me texts saying they can't make it for various reasons. I went from expecting 4 people, to expecting none. And their reasons were sketchy, like "I have to work early in the morning" and "i forgot I was having my niece spend the night".

So now I'm pissed and hurt all at the same time. I almost cried about it in front of my boyfriend and that makes me feel like I'm about 5 years old.

Advise needed: Should I let these people know that I was hurt/let down and that they shouldn't have said they were coming only to back out at the last minute? I don't want to scare them off, but I don't want to let them do this again to me. I am really sensitive.

I'd be mad. They went from a total yes to being flaky, uncaring assholes. You shouldn't dump them as potential friends, but don't invite them over again any time soon. If you come back asking them right away, you'll look a little desperate and they'll go from being flaky, to just saying no.

Start slow, ask them to go eat or do something. Give it a week or so to bring it up, unless they bring up an idea of something to do first

 

[Thelema]

...and you probably don't want to bring up them ditching you. They don't want a new friend to bring them a guilt trip, even if they deserve it. If they bring it up then you can talk about it with them

 

[colourscolours]

i dunno but try looking at it from another way.i mean i've back out last min with some friends.and those are friends tt i hang out on a daily basis.is because i am afraid tt i can't hold any conversation even though i am apart of the group.as you said they are not close,so they might be afraid.furthermore the small number might be a factor since they can't escape or make more opportunities to have a conversation with other people when any attempts fail.plus 4 is more like a private party rather than a social gathering.they would probably have anticipate a very awkward situation.but why not take it as something positive,imagine if one showed up.wouldn't it be worse?perhaps you can organize another one.this time call a LOT of people.make it a neighborhood kinda party.make a fuss about it and have a reason for a celebration.then people would know it is going to be festive and even if some won't come,by inviting lots the probability of people showing up wouldn't be low.btw tt is so great of you.don't give up

 

[Kamen]

Just plan another night in advance.

 

[JA2007]

I dont know...if you really liked these people...maybe re schedual the party for a week or so from now....tell them they are invited again becuase you post poned it last time cause everyone was busy....if they dont show this time I'd forget them...but thats just me maybe....I'v not been known to throw parties to often but good for you for trying.

:?:

I like your idea about rescheduling, but this time I think I will wait awhile and then let them decide if they want to do it. Thanks for your advice!

 

[JA2007]

can i honestly say to you that its nothing to do with you mate, like the reason they didnt come was not because of you. I take it these are all work colleuges or something? some people dont want to mix their work with the pleasure, and they proberly didnt want to come because like you said their all aquaintances and maybe they didnt wanna spend their spare time with these people? not everyone is eager to make new friends, and i dunno how old you are, but maybe there at a age where they have there social life and they have their work life, and they dont mix it.
If you feel you want to say something, then wait until you see them and just say its fine if you cant make it, but you could of said abit earlier. dont say to them i was so hurt! because they will proberly think its abit wierd that you care so much, they dont have SA i assume.
hope this helped

I hope it wasn't because of me. At first I thought maybe it was, but I'm sure it's not. These are not work friends, but people I have known for awhile through my boyfriend's hockey league. I've actually had 2 of them over once before and it was alright. They actually come up to me at the games and chat all the time, and they always seem excited to talk to me. That's why I thought this get-together would be a good idea.

I agree with you about not telling them I was hurt. I might just tell them that I was disappointed it didn't work out and they are welcome to come over another time. Thanks!

 

[JA2007]

I'd be mad. They went from a total yes to being flaky, uncaring assholes. You shouldn't dump them as potential friends, but don't invite them over again any time soon. If you come back asking them right away, you'll look a little desperate and they'll go from being flaky, to just saying no.

Start slow, ask them to go eat or do something. Give it a week or so to bring it up, unless they bring up an idea of something to do first

Yeah I agree that I shouldn't ask them right away, and I won't. I'm not going to act like I'm mad because I don't want to scare them off, but I was really pissed at first. I didn't appreciate their excuses, it's like they thought I would buy them and I'm not that stupid. I think they are cool people, though. I am mad because I think the one girl that was most excited about coming over ditched me for the guy that she is kind of seeing (long story but there is a lot of evidence for that).

It's nice to know that you have my back!

 

[JA2007]

...and you probably don't want to bring up them ditching you. They don't want a new friend to bring them a guilt trip, even if they deserve it. If they bring it up then you can talk about it with them

No, I'm not interested in giving anyone the guilt trip. I have to admit that I have backed out of plans at the last minute too.

 

[JA2007]

i dunno but try looking at it from another way.i mean i've back out last min with some friends.and those are friends tt i hang out on a daily basis.is because i am afraid tt i can't hold any conversation even though i am apart of the group.as you said they are not close,so they might be afraid.furthermore the small number might be a factor since they can't escape or make more opportunities to have a conversation with other people when any attempts fail.plus 4 is more like a private party rather than a social gathering.they would probably have anticipate a very awkward situation.but why not take it as something positive,imagine if one showed up.wouldn't it be worse?perhaps you can organize another one.this time call a LOT of people.make it a neighborhood kinda party.make a fuss about it and have a reason for a celebration.then people would know it is going to be festive and even if some won't come,by inviting lots the probability of people showing up wouldn't be low.btw tt is so great of you.don't give up

I completely agree with you about them being scared. The reason that I became friends with each of these people is because I noticed they were kinda "shy" too and I could relate to them. I do think that has a lot to do with it. I didn't appreciate the way they handled it though.

Thanks for your support! It's great to know I can come here and get rational advice!