New/first girlfriend... advice needed

[Rise Against]

First off Im a shy college guy and i dont have very much experience with the opposite sex. However that is not the reason why i am here. About a month ago i met this really good looking, generous, smart, athletic girl... She has had a really rough past. She has suffered rape, serious car accident and has even attempted suicide...

I really like her, but she is extremely insecure and is constantly searching for my reassurance (cant blame her). But when i give her reassurance she doesnt believe me... Like if i say "you are beautiful" she says "no im not your just staying with me until you find someone better." And this makes me feel really bad, because i really care about her and i tell her. She never accepts my compliments. Whenever i am away she constantly calls/texts me because she thinks im with someone else... even though ive never had a girlfriend until i met her. She has also offered sex, but when i declined because we really arent ready for that yet, we have only seen each other in person a couple times.... but when i said no, she automatically blamed herself and said "its because im ugly isnt it."

Im guessing she has experienced some kind of abuse in her past and I know it takes a long time to heal mentally and i am willing to help her, but is it possible to gain her trust? I really like her and i know she really likes me... but the way she views herself really bothers me because she is capable of so much.... she has the state record for high jump but acts like anyone can do it... any advice on how i can jhelp the mental healing process and gain her trust?

 

[Banvard]

I'm pretty clueless about women too - but if I were in the same situation, I would remind her that if I didn't love her, I wouldn't still be with her. Also, I would remind her that I ain't going anywhere -- and that she can't be rid of me so easily; depends on her level of humor I guess. The best advice I can give is to take it calmly and steady, and if she keeps needing reassurances, give her some -- but make them really good ones, and make her question why she asks them.

 

[Krista]

That's a really hard thing to handle sometimes. You're a very sweet guy for hanging in there with her. Understandably it bothers you, maybe you should have a serious talk with her and tell her how you're feeling. Mention that when you say things about her being beautiful or how much you care for her and she doesn't believe you, it hurts your feelings. Try to get her to understand that you're with her for a reason, because you like her. You obviously only want her and it's not going to work if she doesn't trust you but you're willing to keep at it until she does because that's how much care about her.

 

[NewHorizons]

Definately share with her how it makes you feel when she rejects compliments. I was myself cured of this nasty and self-defeating habit by someone I loved bringing it to my attention.

 

[Banvard]

I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for a woman I was talking to online -- she wanted to meet and everything. I talked her out of liking me, very damaging. Even though I liked her, I wanted to push her away. Don't let her push you away.

 

[Krista]

I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for a woman I was talking to online -- she wanted to meet and everything. I talked her out of liking me, very damaging. Even though I liked her, I wanted to push her away. Don't let her push you away.

I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. You know, we lose a lot of chances to be in a relationship with someone because of this and most of the time it's because of the negative thoughts we create about ourselves. I find it's always good to tell someone something truthful, encouraging and nice about them. Mine to you would be that you don't look unattractive and you seem like a very sweet person with your comments, don't let anything stop you from being with someone who genuinely likes you. Because everyone deserves someone.

 

[Rise Against]

Thanks for the advise... i guess ill just keep trying

 

[Silvox Black]

Be steadfast in your support. Never waver in your beliefs. Speak your heart and soul to her, even if she does not believe you, I am certain the words are having an impact. Prove to her with the passage of time that you truly care for her, that you are dedicated to improving her life. Share your personal thoughts with her and share your burdens with her. Find the balance and peace shall eventually be yours.

 

[Harlequin Minus]

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edit by Remus

*red carded for trolling*

 

[olaf687]

Hey Man I had almost the same experience with my ex gf a year ago. My Ex was raped by her grandfather when she was 14, so it really messed her up. I felt the same like you. I really cared about her and it made me so mad that she had to go through with that. The only difference with my ex is she was scared of having sex because of her rape. She was also suicidal and almost every night she would cut herself. I stayed with her about a year and had to deal with it almost every night. Its emotionally draining because you want to make her feel better but you cant. But anyway after a year I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I made her break up with me because I knew she wouldn't handle it well if I broke it off. But I am still really close friends with her. She just drained me every night and on top of my problems it was too much for me. And she just wouldn't listen to any my suggestions I had, and didn't want to go to a counselor. I'm not saying for you to give up on her, but im just gonna warn you its gonna be a long hard road ahead of you! I know it was for me. If shes gonna ever get better shes gonna have to want to get better and maybe see a counselor.

 

[illuminationSP]

I can definitely understand where she is coming from with wanting reassurance and not being secure when with someone new. I also think it's great of you in not taking advantage of her when she offered sex, like many guys would do. I would be completely honest with her about how she makes you feel when she says those things about herself. I've spoken to girls who I was interested in who were sometimes that way, and it honestly got frustrating (not annoying). If you really like her, I would stick with it. Give her a lot of compliments, too. Congrats on finding someone - I'm still looking.