Need to get things off my chest

recluse

Well-known member
Back in July my only remaining grandfather died after a long illness. The thing is i didn't feel sad, in fact i felt emotionless. Even carrying his coffin felt as if i was carrying a strangers coffin rather than a ''loved one''

You see up untill i was around 10 years old my grandfather would visit us on a weekly basis. My granfather left his manupulative, evil, abusive(we suspect the ''accidental'' fall he had down stairs was no accident!) second wife. He got his own home which my dad and his brother and sister helped decorate, and all was well. A few months later however he announced suddenly that he was going back to his second wife. This angered my dad and his brother and sister so much that they disowned him. So for years i did not see o'r speak to my grandfather because my parents had led me to believe that he was a bad person.

About a week before his death i went with my dad to visit him in his nursing home, and he could not speak because of the massive stroke he had suffered many months before. I felt so guilty because this was the first time i had seen him in years and i hadn't a clue what to say especially as he couldn't speak back. I never felt so awkward in my life....This person whom i was supposed to love was merely a stranger lying in front of me. The thing that made me feel guilty more than anything was seeing pictures of me and my sister as children around his bed. Another thing that made me feel bad was that he had confessed to his priest (he was Catholic) a few years before that he felt guilt and regret for doing what he had done and for not visiting us.

I'm sorry for this but it's been playing on my mind for such a long time. Just the fact that i feel no emotion that my grandfather died.
 

Bexi

Well-known member
Sorry you lost your Grandad

You feel guilty, but you don't really have reason to, you were young and it was the adults in your family's decision not to have contact with him, and your Grandad's decision to go back to his abusive wife.

Families are never perfect and people fall out a lot, I think it is nice he had pics of you and your sister near his bed, I agree with the above post that because you didn't see him for a long time, you became detached from him long before he died, and that is why he seemed like a stranger.

I think I rambled abit here, but I hope you feel better for talking about it
 
Well, when you say that it felt you were carrying a stranger's coffin, that probably wasn't too far off the mark. It seems like he kind of WAS a stranger to you. You had known him years ago but you only saw him once since then. Just because we are related to someone doesn't automatically mean you feel something for them, I think.
I don't think you should feel guilty, you weren't close to him.
Hope you feel better. It's good you got it off your chest
 

recluse

Well-known member
Yeah i suppose he was like a stranger to me...I felt guilty for not feeling any emotion. I cried for a whole day almost when my cat died but when my grandfather died i felt nothing. It's as if i feel attachment to animals more than humans.
 
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