need relationship advice

[lauralaurent]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and I really love him, however his parents have always hated me.. because of my social anxiety. They have urged him to break up with me, and he tried to briefly, twice, but now that they realize that I’m in it for the long haul they’ve “accepted” me as his girlfriend. Visits to their house are horrifying..we eat awkward dinners we they ask me my least favorite questions: what do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to work? Why don’t you have a job? Which lead to my quiet awkward unsure answers and their looks across the table at each other… an overall uncomfortable, unfriendly environment. The worst thing is probably what they say about me to my boyfriend. For example, they say they’ll be nice to me if I “act like a person”…and the usual “why doesn’t she talk??”
It’s so hard to me to fake a conversation with them because of my anxiety, and because I know what they think of me. They picked it up in me from day one and have hated me since. They know I’m weak and think I’m undeserving of their son. They also think I’m using him for his money (obviously not true)… which he doesn’t really make yet, but in a number of years he will be a doctor. We graduated from college 6 months ago and I’m trying my best to get a job but it’s hard, and even harder for me, especially with all the pressure coming from them.
This is really hard for me to post because I hate being judged and everything.. but I need some advice. It’s all we fight about.. I know I should just suck it up every time I have to see them, but we talk about marriage and if/when that comes I know we’ll see them more. It just kills me to have to visit them, have those dinners, large family gatherings. My boyfriend says he stands up for me the best he can..but his parents are so overbearing and controlling and he’s timid and I don’t know if he can push all their opinions aside. … Is our relationship doomed? Would all my relationships be doomed? Has anyone else had a similar problem? I don’t really know what to say :: I feel dumb posting this.. sorry it’s so long I tried to condense it

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

My ex's mother hated me for no apparent reason.
Some 'in-laws' will pick on you and treat you badly just because they don't feel like accepting you.
I'd say all of their questioning is for the same reason-- just to pick on you and the way you are because they don't understand it.

Sometimes all you can do is learn to put up with it and continue to be yourself because he loves you the way you are.

...I guess it's not the best advice but it's all I can think of right now. haha
Just do your best to live up to your own standards and be happy.

 

[Blabla..]

i know how you feel , his parents are obviously very ignorant and superficial , i would personally not see them , it is him you want a life with not his parents , i haven't met my girlfriend's parents after 3 years , muahaha , they might never see me , if seeing them is so important to your relationship you might have to deal with it and simply remember that whatever they might say , they are simply fools , don't let their poor judgement affect you , your boyfriend should understand you

 

[lauralaurent]

thank you guys

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I feel for you. That really does sound uncomfortable. You are very brave putting up with these family dinners. I really don't know what to suggest. I wonder what it is that they want from you? Do they want you to talk more? What would appease them? Meeting the parents is the hardest! And to establish a relationship with them, my goodness, it is too much. They really do need to back off. Can't your boyfriend talk to them or something? It is not really fair for you to have to go through all that.

 

[MikeyC]

Your relationship is not doomed. You're dating him, not his parents.

I think it's common for parents to hate their child's partners, as it's a sign they're basically being "stolen" from them. My mother didn't (and maybe still doesn't) like my brother's girlfriend. She more so didn't at the beginning of their relationship but she's alright now. (Curiously she liked my ex, though.)

Anyway, I'm a little derailed here...the point is, if the two of you get married, his parents must then see how much he loves you, no matter how little they think of you.

Even still, it must suck to be in your situation.