My time at the bar

[CosmicNeurotica]

I went to the bar, even though I didn't want to go.

Going out like this just makes me realize how bad I really am.
I went ahead and saw my cousin at the bar she works at. It was her birthday party so everyone got together.
I went in pretty confident. Stood up, said hello to everyone I know there (which seemed like everyone).
But then I sit at the bar. Once I sit down, it's paranoia city for me.
I probably sat there for the next 3 hours straight, just drinking, and occasionally getting up to pee.
The worst part is, everything is going on around me.
One incredibally beautiful woman came in and sat 2 seats down.
I commented to my (other) cousin that was there, wow.
One thing you have to know about my cousin. She's crazy. She drinks and mingles with everyone at the bar. That's her scene.
Everything was alright (relatively speaking), until one by one, people come up to me and ask if I'm ok.
One chick came up and wanted a picture with me. She asked why I was looking at her and frowning.
My cousin then later had to say to the hot girl "he's such a sweetheart". She looked at me and started talking to someone else. (turned out she was there with her fiance though so no hard feelings)
2 others then came up through the night to me and said "cheer up".

I felt then that my cousin was telling everyone at the place, come talk to me I'm depressed.
It's pretty brutal out there.
As the night goes on and I drink more, which usually makes me better, the depression really hit hard.
I see everyone dancing. Girls get up right in front of me and dance on the table.
Normally that should be fun for me. I should be up and talking and acting a fool with everyone else.
But nope. I have to sit there. And when a song comes on the jukebox I have to hold back tears.
I try to smile, but I guess it doesn't come off so well to others.
And it made me feel worse because I have to act happy and smile and just say "yeah that's me." or "no I'll be alright".

Even though tonight made me realize more than ever, I'm not alright.
The one time I get out of the house. I couldn't have been more tense. More depressed at the fact that I'm watching what my life should be before my eyes, but I'm forced to sit back and be the observer while everyone feels forced to try and cheer me up.

I could barely muster out a sentence. And if it was a sentence, it was probably the dumbest idiotic thing they've heard all night.

It was just rough.
I'm glad to be back home on the computer, being able to write a topic about it.

I just don't like being who I am. Because it's not who I am. But the more I am this other person who acts to be alright, the worse it gets. The more others have a judgment about me that's not me at all.

I think depression has to be the worst feeling in the world. It's crippling beyond belief. Beyond broken bones. Beyond any other disease.
It's killing me, and I can't even enjoy my life while it's killing me.
Lost love, I've had. It's bad, but crying can feel good.
It's even worse when you can't even cry because your body is so numb to it.

It's become where everything I say, or type, I become judged by my self. I am seeing me as another would see me as myself.

I'm glad I can come here and let out. Even if you are judging me.
I want to be me. But mostly all that comes out is a manifestation of me controlled by depression and desperation.

I don't know what to do anymore with my life.
I try to muster up some happiness built down, even if fake, to attempt to compliment others or make friends.
A lot of you really are my friends. But it's hard for me to see, because all I want is attention. The attention I've never had growing up.
The attention I can't get because I'm too afraid of others judgment.

Depression is completely debilitating, and I don't think people give enough credit to the power and destruction of real depression.
It makes me paranoid and doubt everything about everyone. I can't talk to anyone. I can't be happy. About anything.

I guess its time to end this. It turned out to be more of a diary I guess eh. Well. It is what it is.
I love you guys though. I love so many people that I'm not able to express in words the way I feel. More depression doing what it does.

I guess I do have one thing though. The ability to express at least in some forum how I feel. To be able to write it down. Hoping someone will see. Reaching out for help. Because I don't see an end to this misery.

I need my music.

 

[madmike]

I'm sorry about your troubles, i think i'm going through something similar. I'm spending a lot of time on my own, which is making me feel very insecure and increasing the need for me to convince everyone and myself that i'm really OK. I really don't know what to suggest, appart from the obvious of having more social contact.

Either way, i hope you figure out a way to find some relief from depression...

 

[theslowesthand]

Hi mate. You know, i reckon i was just like you several years ago (when i was around 30). Back then my life was pretty hellish - i suffered regularly from not only the day-to-day garden-variety depression, but also from acute depression, and i firmly believe that i went down emotionally-wise, on quite a few occasions, to the lowest point at which a human can go (& survived to tell the tale). I thought i was cursed, was convinced i was the reincarnation of some really bad person, such as Hitler (as why else would i be going through the diabolically-painful suffering that i was going through). At that time (actually over a range of several years, starting from my mid-30s), I was starting consider suicide as a viable option, as i couldn't see any way foward.

And I also went through a phase of going to pubs. Gave it a go. Realised it wasn't for me (usually felt like a fish-out-of-water, unless i was blind drunk, which i usually was). I biked into town from home, stashed/locked my bike somewhere inconspicuous, where i also stashed my backpack, within which i had my licquor. Every time the process was this: I would stay by my bicycle, alone, in the darkness, licquoring myself up, until i started to feel the effects (as well as a bit of "dutch-courage" confidence). Then I would get changed into my pub clothes, sometimes placing a small flask of licquor on in a jacket pocket. Then i would meander, drunkedly to the pub, at which point it would usually be in full-swing (loud music, maybe band playing, packed). And starngely i felt less self-conscious when there were HEAPS of people, as i could "lose" myself in the crowd, and nobody would be staring at me. And i had the odd "black-out" experience, as to be expected. And i kind of miss those days, because at least i could go somewhere for some company, as oppposed to where i live now which is way too far from town to cycle in (& i haven't any transport, and don't really want to order taxis as too expensive). And i too felt like you, when at the pubs, that people seemed to think i needed cheering-up, not knowing that that was my usual "low" emotional state. Back then, & further back when i had a car, i regarded alcohol to be my very best friend. I still regard it as the best friend i ever had. It's been there through thick-and-thin, it's been there for me when nothing else was, it never rejected me no matter what, it knew exactly how i felt.

All the times in my life that depression, mood problems, SA, etc, has made me miss out on life stuff. It's truly sad & terrible. I've been through a hell of a lot of pain due to those things (due to themselves & the effects they've had on my relations with people). But nowadays i don't feel hardly sad at all about it (either i've numbed-out all such feelings, or i don't react anymore), just a bit resentful on occasion, which quickly passes. I probably have some deep chronic underlying resentment issues though, but never mind, such is life.

It's been a long, painful, depressing road to get to where I am today. And I can say that I have beaten some major demons. The demons that still remain in me, I think I just blot-them-out of my awareness for most of the time. The lifestyle I have developed, although not entirely healthy, allows me to do this. For instance, one of my as yet unbeaten demons is: people. I haven't managed to resolve this "problem" of people, so I do as I've always done - evade/avoid them. Having Asperger's, as well as a socially-stunted young-hood, I believe that my brain is now "hard-wired" into it's inability to deal with people in the way that nature intended.
Another of my demons I still have, is that I won't allow myself to take ANY risks/chances in life (the only things I allow myself to do are those which my "system" allows - and my "system" is in a constant state of malfunction, ie it doesn't work).
I am unable to make hardly any changes in life (hence my "hoarder's house"). I think this may be my OCD, yes another of my problems.
Also, similar to your agoraphobia, a number of things causes me to be "stuck" inside my house, day-in-day-out (which means lack of stimulation, tedium, dullness ... "cabin fever" on an almost daily basis).
And I could go on...

So basically, while I am a lot better in a number of ways, to say, 10 or 15 years ago, I still have a LONG way to go. I think that (which seems to be a trait of mine - go backwards first, then fowards) I began life ALREADY BEHIND, then went EVEN MORE BACKWARDS, and then I hit my 20s, when "the **** hit the fan", and so I was literally "FORCED" to get out of reverse gear, and start going FOWARDS for the first time in my life.

I don't know what the future holds for you, but I expect it may be something like what I went through (hopefully not!), but who knows, everyone's different. But I will say that you should GRAB ONTO every positive thing in your life that you can (the things that truly do something for you - music, nature, weather, fantasy,...), as take it from me, you still have some MAJOR **** to go through, and you sure-as-hell will need them - every single one of them. You are fighting the "dark battle", in which you must fight the "darkness", and the only thing that can overcome this darkness - is THE LIGHT. So with that, I shall wish you all the luck in the world, and say that if you're patient & persevering, life does get better in time.

Ps: I have used music in a MAJOR way to help me get through life in the last 15/so years, and I regard myself somewhat of an expert in what to play, and when. My music collection (tapes/CDs mainly) consists of hard rock & escapist rock (mainly), medium & light rock, pop (some), instrumental, classical. I could give you some music-playing tips (& also how to combine it successfully with the grog!)

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

^Thank you for that post.
There are indeed a lot of similarities. I too am beginning to think I definitely have aspergers.
I had a doctor say those words, "he definitely has it", but it was through a nurse so I had to take her words.

Anyway, I used to do the "get plastered and then walk to the bar" as well.
The past was probably much worse because I was in denial.
I still am somewhat, but now its more of a don't care, give up thing.
But I'd drink a 40 oz of bud ice, then drink a couple more beers, drinking while I walked myself the 20 minutes to the bar.
I've told this before, but sometimes I'd even get so drunk I knocked on peoples door just to try to make a friend. I would go home with others after closing hours at the bar, just so I didn't have to go home.
And by go home, I don't mean with any women. I probably scared them all away with me desperation. But no, I went home with just random dudes. Or I'd walk with them as they were walking home.
I know for a fact most people don't want me there or near them.
And who can blame them.

Now for me as the agoraphobia sets in worse, the absolute fear of any kind of social situation is even more overwhelming.
I thought it was bad before, but day by day, month, and years, it slowly but surely gets worse.
I hope I am able to get out of it though.
Thanks again for your posts. All of you.

 

[pocket.fox]

I can totally relate. You sound like such a nice, honest, noble person in such a ****ed up situation. That's what you are. That's not fair. That's why it's tragic.

Whenever I get the sarcastic "You look cheery." I sometimes just go "I always do." Feels like it hurts a little inside to say that. The other day someone told me "You know I can never tell when you're excited or tired." Couldn't think of a response to that one.

 

[Kinetik]

I hear you, I have this a lot too. It's like there's an endless buzzing of happy, well-connected people all around you and you feel completely isolated from it, as if you're in some bubble from which there's no breaking free. You're also painfully aware of how awkward/out of place you look, and of how miserable the expression on your face is.

When I go to the bar I get so drunk that I develop a kind of tunnel vision whereby I'm fixated on my own mind so much that there's not a hope in hell of getting out of it. Sometimes the alcohol hits me in a bad way and I do something stupid just to get attention or reach out.

Lately (and as we speak) I drink at home as well, because I feel uncomfortable out of my home environment. Sometimes it scares me as I think I'm becoming more and more reluctant to leave my apartment and I don't want agoraphobia on top of my other issues.

But good luck to you. I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel for both of us, and of course, for everyone else on this forum.

 

[theslowesthand]

Got another idea. You know, drastic measures for drastic problems.
It sounds like you really need to "BLAST OFF" to a place RIGHT AWAY from the status quo. Primarily I mean find a new living location, which would allow you to escape much of your bad memories & constant reminders of them. And it might even give you a "fresh start" in life - just the "jump-start" you may need. Of course this is just a theoretical idea, and I never tried it myself (apart from moving house once). I think this might be the same idea that those "drifters" type of people have. They get bored/bogged-down, they move on. It's not for everyone, but it is a option for you.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Got another idea. You know, drastic measures for drastic problems.
It sounds like you really need to "BLAST OFF" to a place RIGHT AWAY from the status quo. Primarily I mean find a new living location, which would allow you to escape much of your bad memories & constant reminders of them. And it might even give you a "fresh start" in life - just the "jump-start" you may need. Of course this is just a theoretical idea, and I never tried it myself (apart from moving house once). I think this might be the same idea that those "drifters" type of people have. They get bored/bogged-down, they move on. It's not for everyone, but it is a option for you.

No, you're exactly right. It is what I need.
Living in this house is certainly bogging the situation down 10 fold.

I did it once when I was 16. I moved on the coast to live with my dad, whom I'd only met and spent time with in small doses throughout my life.
Back then, when I started high school, it was just too much. I needed a way out and help, so I moved in with my dad.
It helped me. A lot.
You know, I still had the anxiety (at that time I didn't know what it was called or knew I had any problem), but those were the best times of my life.
It didn't work out there though, and I only ended up living there for 6 months. After I took a car out and had fun when I was supposed to go to work, he lost it and sent me back home.
I yell at him a lot about that. I ask him why he would be such a moron. I was on track back then to have a great life.

Since then though, I've changed my last name and the stubborn republican redneck idiot won't even talk to me.

I'd love a change. That's the only thing I've ever tried to do.
But with no friends, no car, no motivation, and an unbearable anxiety problem, agoraphobia, and throw some other stuff in there I probably don't know about too, it feels literally impossible.

My escapism are movies, music, and video games. It's all I have left in the world right now. And that's no exaggeration.
I do have few family members that love me, but only enough to worry and tell everyone else I have a problem. Not enough to try and help.
Even though when I think about it, I'd probably shun away help because I don't like people to think I need help, or that I have a problem.
If possible, I'd like to get help from a stranger, and then when I'm alright show everyone who knows me the "real me".
As if nothing was ever wrong in the first place.

I feel I'm as normal, and probably more intelligent than 60% of the people I come into contact with. But all I can do is shake my head and cry when I get home because I can't express my opinion to anyone.

That's why I love this forum so much though. Most everyone here is also striving for only one thing. Love. To be able to be heard.
To be able to express your love, and be loved in return.
That's all anyone wants, but we feel it more because it's a harder thing to obtain and something many of us probably cry over regularly. When we're able to cry anyway.

 

[DespairSoul]

ToolShuggah

I can relate a lot. I fear any contact with people. Bar huh i would must get also propably drunk or something if i could spend there longer time, but after alkohol i feel even worse if he is gone, this isnt solution. But i understand well why u do it, i did too if i had some meeting where i must socialize in a bar or place where is a lot of people and having fun. Was awkward i feel like person more, like this people cant wait that i leave finally. Is very hard fight with that demon,like we cant have fun like others, we arent so much diffrent as they are but is only in us head wich control us so much. Im so uncomfortable if they figure out im not having fun and i look upset and desperatly want leave that place called "fun".