Angkorwat
Well-known member
Hello, I recently found this site so I had to share my story. When I was about 14, I started to notice that I was different from other people. I quit playing football and track because my mentality kept me from doing any kind of social interaction. I didn't want to go to school because I was deathly afraid that people would make fun of me and dislike me. Although I still attended class, I didn't have any motivation to excel and barely managed to pass my classes with my parents help. I was lonely and depressed. So from freshman year to graduation I secluded myself in my room, hiding from the terrors of the outside world, only going outside to head to school.
After graduating, I quickly noticed that I would not be successful living the way that I did. I didn't understand myself or life at all and was very scared of the real world. My dream was to be able to live on my own or with roommates and talk to people without worrying about what they thought. A place where my mind was calm and happy. I was very afraid of responsibility however because I didn't want to be put on the spotlight. I was 18 and I came to a decision. I would either kill myself or force myself to change. Not ready to give up, I chose the latter. I decided to enlist in the military. It had everything that I needed. Responsibility, discipline, tradition, etc. I wanted it to force me to change.
Once I joined I headed to bootcamp. This was a living hell for me. I took everything way too seriously as though if I made a single mistake it would cost me my life. I would literally scream inside my head because I was so afraid and nervous. Bootcamp didn't seem to affect other people like it did to me. Most of the time, if the instructor yelled at them they wouldn't break down. Instead they would take it as it was and move on. I saw this behavior and I wanted to be like that. I wanted my anxiety around other people to go away and take it as it was and move on. So I did. Every time the instructor would tell me that I ****ed up and made me do pushups, my anxiety would slowly go away. I got used to it, and this was the first time that I noticed that I could actually change my mentality.
I graduated bootcamp with my head held high in accomplishment. I actually did something that was completely out of my comfort zone. However, my social anxiety did not go away. After bootcamp I headed to my designated school. I was still very afraid of other people and very aware of it. I had to be around other people almost 24/7 just like bootcamp and I still felt uncomfortable. We had more freedom here though and while people were out partying I was in the barracks studying. All I did was study. I felt comfort being secluded in my notes than with other people. While I hated myself for not being able to break out of this anxiety spell, my grades were great so I didn't beat myself up too bad. I graduated at the top of my class and headed to my primary duty station.
I arrived at my duty station on board an aircraft carrier. I knew right away that this place would either make me or break me. I had to work and get along with people with big personalities. Personalities that liked to point out other people's flaws. This was my first real experience with people outside of a disciplinary zone (bootcamp). These people were not the brightest or the nicest people I have met. It was a very harsh place for someone like me to be in. I have never felt so self-concious in my life. I avoided everyone except when we had to work together. Suicide was still constantly on my mind. After a few months, I had gotten to know quite a few people, but they didn't know me very well. I was that weird guy that didn't talk much; however, I was always on time and did my work to the best of my ability. I was lucky enough to have people want to get to know me. I never talked about myself to anyone before and took the opportunity to force myself to come out of my shell. I made friends, very few but I actually had a small social life for the first time in my life. I felt my confidence growing, I could see a blue flame inside my mind start to come alive however small it was.
After two years, I rose in the rank and had some big responsibility. I was used to working and having a little bit of responsibility, but talking and leading people was my biggest flaw. I had gotten used to the ship and the way it ran, and I didn't mind being there, but it was working with other people that I still had a problem with. Other than my few friends, I felt like people did not like me at all. I had been slightly more social but that was only due to talking about the job. People wanted me dead and would say terrible things to me. I didn't understand why and I quickly fell back into my own anxiety-depression abyss. My work ethic crumbled and all I wanted was to end it all. Up until this point I had been stubborn to see a psychologist. I was recommended to go talk to the psychologist and I did. The psychologist shed some light and said that a lot of people have problems. I felt some relief that I wasn't the only one who had problems but it still didn't help enough. He gave me the choice of getting out of the military or continuing under constant visits. After a few months I decided that the military was not the place for me and I got out.
I felt ashamed that I had given up on my dream of forcing myself to change. Yet again I was lucky enough to have friends when I left that had also gotten out and I stayed with them. I took everything that I had learned from the military and tried to make the best of it. I enrolled in college and slowly became more social. I searched the internet to see if there was any condition that fits my personality, and I found APS fits me perfectly. I looked at all the symptoms and took the time to fight against every single one. Slowly but surely I found confidence within myself. I force myself to be social every day with the knowledge that I learned within the military.
I have made it so far from where I started but I have miles to go. I'm getting better every day learning from every experience. Sorry this was long but I haven't felt comfortable telling anyone about this. I'm glad there is a forum that people can come together to help one another. I'm not promoting that you join the military, all I'm saying is that from personal experience it is best to force yourself out of your shell. My suicidal thoughts are almost 100% gone and I want to tell people to never give up. Thanks for reading.
After graduating, I quickly noticed that I would not be successful living the way that I did. I didn't understand myself or life at all and was very scared of the real world. My dream was to be able to live on my own or with roommates and talk to people without worrying about what they thought. A place where my mind was calm and happy. I was very afraid of responsibility however because I didn't want to be put on the spotlight. I was 18 and I came to a decision. I would either kill myself or force myself to change. Not ready to give up, I chose the latter. I decided to enlist in the military. It had everything that I needed. Responsibility, discipline, tradition, etc. I wanted it to force me to change.
Once I joined I headed to bootcamp. This was a living hell for me. I took everything way too seriously as though if I made a single mistake it would cost me my life. I would literally scream inside my head because I was so afraid and nervous. Bootcamp didn't seem to affect other people like it did to me. Most of the time, if the instructor yelled at them they wouldn't break down. Instead they would take it as it was and move on. I saw this behavior and I wanted to be like that. I wanted my anxiety around other people to go away and take it as it was and move on. So I did. Every time the instructor would tell me that I ****ed up and made me do pushups, my anxiety would slowly go away. I got used to it, and this was the first time that I noticed that I could actually change my mentality.
I graduated bootcamp with my head held high in accomplishment. I actually did something that was completely out of my comfort zone. However, my social anxiety did not go away. After bootcamp I headed to my designated school. I was still very afraid of other people and very aware of it. I had to be around other people almost 24/7 just like bootcamp and I still felt uncomfortable. We had more freedom here though and while people were out partying I was in the barracks studying. All I did was study. I felt comfort being secluded in my notes than with other people. While I hated myself for not being able to break out of this anxiety spell, my grades were great so I didn't beat myself up too bad. I graduated at the top of my class and headed to my primary duty station.
I arrived at my duty station on board an aircraft carrier. I knew right away that this place would either make me or break me. I had to work and get along with people with big personalities. Personalities that liked to point out other people's flaws. This was my first real experience with people outside of a disciplinary zone (bootcamp). These people were not the brightest or the nicest people I have met. It was a very harsh place for someone like me to be in. I have never felt so self-concious in my life. I avoided everyone except when we had to work together. Suicide was still constantly on my mind. After a few months, I had gotten to know quite a few people, but they didn't know me very well. I was that weird guy that didn't talk much; however, I was always on time and did my work to the best of my ability. I was lucky enough to have people want to get to know me. I never talked about myself to anyone before and took the opportunity to force myself to come out of my shell. I made friends, very few but I actually had a small social life for the first time in my life. I felt my confidence growing, I could see a blue flame inside my mind start to come alive however small it was.
After two years, I rose in the rank and had some big responsibility. I was used to working and having a little bit of responsibility, but talking and leading people was my biggest flaw. I had gotten used to the ship and the way it ran, and I didn't mind being there, but it was working with other people that I still had a problem with. Other than my few friends, I felt like people did not like me at all. I had been slightly more social but that was only due to talking about the job. People wanted me dead and would say terrible things to me. I didn't understand why and I quickly fell back into my own anxiety-depression abyss. My work ethic crumbled and all I wanted was to end it all. Up until this point I had been stubborn to see a psychologist. I was recommended to go talk to the psychologist and I did. The psychologist shed some light and said that a lot of people have problems. I felt some relief that I wasn't the only one who had problems but it still didn't help enough. He gave me the choice of getting out of the military or continuing under constant visits. After a few months I decided that the military was not the place for me and I got out.
I felt ashamed that I had given up on my dream of forcing myself to change. Yet again I was lucky enough to have friends when I left that had also gotten out and I stayed with them. I took everything that I had learned from the military and tried to make the best of it. I enrolled in college and slowly became more social. I searched the internet to see if there was any condition that fits my personality, and I found APS fits me perfectly. I looked at all the symptoms and took the time to fight against every single one. Slowly but surely I found confidence within myself. I force myself to be social every day with the knowledge that I learned within the military.
I have made it so far from where I started but I have miles to go. I'm getting better every day learning from every experience. Sorry this was long but I haven't felt comfortable telling anyone about this. I'm glad there is a forum that people can come together to help one another. I'm not promoting that you join the military, all I'm saying is that from personal experience it is best to force yourself out of your shell. My suicidal thoughts are almost 100% gone and I want to tell people to never give up. Thanks for reading.
