My silence

[Roman Legion]

I think I have Selective mutism, but have not been diagnosed (Don't know who to see or how to pay for testing or whatever they do to determine it).. I can't talk to anyone outside of the family.. When I was a kid I was even more terrified of people, my parents never once thought for a second about selective mutism, they just kept telling me I was very shy. The solution to them was forcing me into social situations which as we all know didn't help at all.. I need to deal with this as I can't find a job that would work around this. I don't know what to do and I'm all out of ideas. I did manage to join the military, I just never spoke to anyone ..Literally, no one.. Which was why the Army sent me to a Behavioural Health Clinic and that really didn't help. I checked in and could only manage a shrug to the receptionist, who eventually just explained what I needed to do, and 3 hours later (No joke on the 3 hour wait) the physchiatrist called me back and tried asking me about different things, I like always with anyone outside the family just managed shakes and nods.. She asked if I was going to "Hurt myself or others.." I shook my head no, then she sent me back as FFD (Fit for duty).. I had another appointment that was about as fun as the psychiatrist.. But that was for my knees. I remember when I wrote a girl in school a note to prom, and went to it.. She hated me afterward because my anxiety was so bad I walked out into the pouring rain for hours to escape the amount of people packed into that room. I got in trouble a lot in school too because I would not join group activities or when someone would normally ask a question when they don't understand something I just sat there unable to speak or raise my hand. When I failed a test, I would get a rather unpleasant talking.. I am in and out of college courses right now, and I have no concrete proof to show a potential employer or professors so they know I have a real social issue.. Otherwise I fear I am doomed to fail because of it. I hope someone here can answer my questions or provide some personal experience on this.

 

[Roman Legion]

My father is went with me to the school, but I went in alone.. :: I managed to register for my classes with a very simple tool.. Pen and notepad.. I had a hard time writing as my right hand was vehemently shaking.. I tried to control my breathing, but no words came out.. I am home now and still feeling the anxiety.. Oh, and my sunglasses helped me a lot too.. I would call that progress.. It's odd, but I seemed to have less anxiety in the military.. Maybe because I literally was camouflaged in a sea of the same uniform and nobody talked to me.. I talked to my father about this, and he said he used to have similar issue into his teens and still does to an extent, but he cannot talk to more than one person.. Groups to him are the worst.. He still doesn't understand my issue and continues trying to get me to attempt talking to people, but I simply can't! I might need to go to a psychiatrist and get an official determination on this, as I can't go on like this forever without it being noted officially.. I know I have it, but my parents don't agree.. :: I think I am alone now more than I originally thought..

<EDIT> I just remembered that they asked me if I needed special accomodation or if I needed to bring this up with Social Security or whater it's called.. I shook my head no.. It was so uncomfortable being stared at while I was trying to write a response. I have made a bit of progress from a few years ago where I was unable to move or talk, I just ended up walking away..

 

[Agent_Violet]

I don't have any advice for you i'm sorry but i wanted to tell you it sounds like you're making progress. I know it's frustrating that it isn't as much progress as you'd probably like to see but it's still something.
Just the fact that you were able to go in and get done what needed to be done says so much about your determination and strength.

I think you should definitely try to get some offical diagnosis. if for no other reason than to simply give you some validation that it isn't just your imagination or whatever. maybe it would make your parents take you seriously instead of downplaying your struggles? it could help you get more support from them perhaps.

 

[coyote]

i'm amazed you got as far as you did in the Army without having to speak

when i went into the military, we were required to shout loudly and frequently, and would have sustained a good beating if we just stood there silently

but then, again, that was the Marines

 

[Roman Legion]

I don't have any advice for you i'm sorry but i wanted to tell you it sounds like you're making progress. I know it's frustrating that it isn't as much progress as you'd probably like to see but it's still something.
Just the fact that you were able to go in and get done what needed to be done says so much about your determination and strength.

I think you should definitely try to get some offical diagnosis. if for no other reason than to simply give you some validation that it isn't just your imagination or whatever. maybe it would make your parents take you seriously instead of downplaying your struggles? it could help you get more support from them perhaps.

Is there a specialized persin to go see and does it cost much? Sometimes I think it is just me, but I know this is what it is.. Unless there is something much similar to it and I'm Y rather than X.. But an official answer would be great, instead of wondering and guessing in the dark, actually knowing what it is.

i'm amazed you got as far as you did in the Army without having to speak

when i went into the military, we were required to shout loudly and frequently, and would have sustained a good beating if we just stood there silently

but then, again, that was the Marines

It's a new Army..lol I never interacted with anyone, nor did I ever get into trouble or need to shout.. I just marched quietly.. I think they just thought I was REALLY shy or something and never thought much of it as I was doing my job. I did wear my tinted ballistic goggles too.. A few months ago the reserve unit I was with took notice of this and screamed at me a lot for it and sent me to a behavioural health clinic.. Waste of time as they were a joke. I am only an E-4 and have been that for some time.. But the anxiety seems to be much lower in uniform, I think it's a mental trick when everyone looks exactly the same, you feel like you are invisible and it feels much better than walking around the civilian world.. But overall, a reservist does not have to do as much or be there as often as Active Duty. I have never been anywhere or done anything in my time with it.

 

[Agent_Violet]

Is there a specialized persin to go see and does it cost much? Sometimes I think it is just me, but I know this is what it is.. Unless there is something much similar to it and I'm Y rather than X.. But an official answer would be great, instead of wondering and guessing in the dark, actually knowing what it is.

i googled selective mutism and found a lot of resources...try google and see which one looks best for you. i noticed they have phone therapy and integrated group therapy too.

 

[Roman Legion]

I don't use phones and I shudder at the group thing.. :: I had no appetite before I went to the school.. Afterwards I was distacted and I still feel like vomitting..

 

[Agent_Violet]

I don't use phones and I shudder at the group thing.. :: I had no appetite before I went to the school.. Afterwards I was distacted and I still feel like vomitting..

You have to start somewhere. Start small and you'll be able to work your way up to the phone and group things. the best thing you can do at this point is research your options. there's no harm in research and you have nothing to lose.

 

[JustMe1987]

I don't use phones and I shudder at the group thing.. :: I had no appetite before I went to the school.. Afterwards I was distacted and I still feel like vomitting..

i cant talk on phone, everytime phone ring my heart go crazy

 

[Roman Legion]

So I signed up for Biology and Psychology without really signing up for them.. I could barely get out a nod, so I just went with what the lady chose for me.. Two things I think I got screwed in.. Well, I just hope the Phychology class doesn't try to analyze me.. They probably won't, but I will not be able to shake the thought that they are..

 

[Hoppy]

Lots of sympathy from my side, I know exactly how you feel.

It was possible for me to be silent in the army, so much decisions were taken for me. It was also the closest in my life I got to making friends.

 

[Roman Legion]

It was also the closest in my life I got to making friends.

Really? I never felt anyone close to any of them, then they noticed in a new unit that I wasn't talking or joining their groups.. I felt so pressured and uncomfortable.

 

[cosmosis]

I can certainly relate. I was almost completely silent throughout my highschool years. It's quite amazing how far you can get with just non-verbal communication in school and in most of life. Almost everyone didn't seem to even care and they just left me alone. It only becomes much harder if you try to get a job.

 

[Roman Legion]

I can certainly relate. I was almost completely silent throughout my highschool years. It's quite amazing how far you can get with just non-verbal communication in school and in most of life. Almost everyone didn't seem to even care and they just left me alone. It only becomes much harder if you try to get a job.

Tell me about it.. The only reason I have any income is because I found a job that I have been able to say nothing and only work once a month.. The Army Reserve.. But once I am either discharged or contract is up, I'm never going to re-enlist again.. I need to find a job where I can work without verbal communications and not put in a role where I must figure out a way to interact with people. I was entirely silent through school, but being alone isn't as bad as it seemed then..

 

[Roman Legion]

I may have made my father see the light on my SM.. I was digging in his files for my folder and found my old report cards.. Every single one showed "Does not participate in class discussions/ group activities" One from Henry Ferguson Elementary said "Talks too much in class" but at the same time attached to that report card was a special recognition for "Quiet Behavoiur" Contradictory, right? The teacher must have seen the group of jerks picking on me and mistook it for me interacting with them.. I found one paper that had strengths and weaknesses and speech therapy was checked off (I guess they only looked at my grades and not the full document?) Just a trip down memory lane today.. :/

 

[cosmosis]

Tell me about it.. The only reason I have any income is because I found a job that I have been able to say nothing and only work once a month.. The Army Reserve.. But once I am either discharged or contract is up, I'm never going to re-enlist again.. I need to find a job where I can work without verbal communications and not put in a role where I must figure out a way to interact with people. I was entirely silent through school, but being alone isn't as bad as it seemed then..

I'm lucky enough to work from home with an online business. I deal with customers through emails. Hopefully you can find something that will work or manage to slowly work through the anxiety. Baby steps as they say. Practice in a positive way. Find something you enjoy and call about it or talk to someone about it and start with that. This is not something you can fix overnight, but I'm sure you can slowly become more functional.

 

[Roman Legion]

I think I would much rather find a way to live around it to be honest.. I think people are dolts anyway.. I am comfortable being alone and not talking, I'd just like my parents to understand my SM..

 

[Roman Legion]

I'll scan copies of the documents if you want, if nothing more than to make you wonder how public education system could suck so bad..