My online journey journal

[MollyBeGood]

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[BlueDays]

Starting a new one of these journals -I feel like I am going to burst if I don’t get things out somewhere somehow.



I am a fool and a coward. That is all for now.

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Good to see you starting a new journal MollyBeGood! But sad to see that you are in a state where you need to though.
Gosh, describing yourself a fool and a coward to start off with is being very harsh on yourself.
I could post multiple suggestions on why need to and the importance of being kind to ourselves, but I know myself that when we are in emotional pain, someone telling us that can simply fly right passed us without meaning much.
Rant all you need to in here Molly, I can at least provide a listening ear.

 

[lily]

MollyBeGood, how come you have that scary-eye looking avatar? Sorry, it's just that I've been probably mistaking you as being a suspicious member on the forum. Sorry

 

[BlueDays]

Alright, I can try to write a poem by Charles Bukowski about a woman who struggles with anxiety and depression and ptsd. Here is what I came up with:

```markdown
# The Woman

She wakes up every morning
With a knot in her stomach
And a lump in her throat
She doesn't want to face the day
But she has no choice

She drags herself out of bed
And puts on a mask
She tries to act normal
But she feels like a fraud
She knows they can see through her

She goes to work or school or wherever
And pretends to be fine
But she's not fine
She's never fine
She's haunted by memories and fears

She remembers the things that happened to her
The things that broke her and scarred her
The things that made her feel worthless and hopeless
The things that no one should ever go through

She fears the things that might happen again
The things that could hurt her and harm her
The things that could trigger her and shatter her
The things that no one can ever protect her from

She comes home every night
With a headache and a heartache
And a tear in her eye
She doesn't want to be alone
But she has no one

She drinks or smokes or pills or whatever
And tries to numb the pain
But she can't numb the pain
She only feels more pain
She's addicted to pain

She writes or paints or sings or whatever
And tries to express herself
But she can't express herself
She only represses herself
She's afraid of herself

She has a cat or two or three or whatever
And tries to love them
But she can't love them
She only needs them
They're all she has

She falls asleep every night
With a prayer on her lips
And a wish in her heart
She doesn't want to live this way
But she has no way out

```

What do you think? Does it sound like Charles Bukowski?
.

That is an amazing poem, MollyBeGood!

You obviously have a strong creative talent, I am so envious. I wish I could express my pain in a poem as well as you have done with this one
I tried to write a poem when I was 12, but gave up because even I ended up laughing at my inept attempt at it.

I am not familiar with Charles Bukowski, but I will look into his work.

 

[MollyBeGood]

MollyBeGood, how come you have that scary-eye looking avatar? Sorry, it's just that I've been probably mistaking you as being a suspicious member on the forum. Sorry

It’s a cat eye I made with AI software. Sorry if it scared you. I also made the black and white leopard on my profile with the same software.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Good to see you starting a new journal MollyBeGood! But sad to see that you are in a state where you need to though.
Gosh, describing yourself a fool and a coward to start off with is being very harsh on yourself.
I could post multiple suggestions on why need to and the importance of being kind to ourselves, but I know myself that when we are in emotional pain, someone telling us that can simply fly right passed us without meaning much.
Rant all you need to in here Molly, I can at least provide a listening ear.

Ugh I know it’s ugly …man… it’s like I can accept and be kind to anyone but myself. Thank you so much for being my first post comment!

 

[lily]

It’s a cat eye I made with AI software. Sorry if it scared you. I also made the black and white leopard on my profile with the same software.

ohhh, it's ok.

 

[lily]

Ugh I know it’s ugly …man… it’s like I can accept and be kind to anyone but myself. Thank you so much for being my first post comment!

Very nice poem. I'm not much a poetic.

 

[BlueDays]

Oh no I didn’t write that though..it was ChatGPT! yes, yes check him out plz do.
I have been nerding out on all the latest AI advancements they have been releasing to the public. You can be a writer or a poet now too! I suck at poetry as well haha crazy world we live in now.
View attachment 6102
Here check it out https://openai.com/blog/chatgpt

Ah ok. In your post it was written as "Here is what I came up with", written as text in the first person sense, before the poem.
I find that ChatGPT pretty creepy to be honest. I won't be using it for anything personal for a very long time. The fact that ChatGBT wrote both of those poems really creeps me out.
To read a poem about Big Brother.....written by ChatGPT, is really bizarre.

 

[LoyalXenite]

It’s a cat eye I made with AI software. Sorry if it scared you. I also made the black and white leopard on my profile with the same software.

It looks awesome!

 

[MollyBeGood]

Ah ok. In your post it was written as "Here is what I came up with", written as text in the first person sense, before the poem.
I find that ChatGPT pretty creepy to be honest. I won't be using it for anything personal for a very long time. The fact that ChatGBT wrote both of those poems really creeps me out.
To read a poem about Big Brother.....written by ChatGPT, is really bizarre.

My mistake I should have taken out the “heres what I have written part” and explained it was AI first.
I just copy pasted it off the app the way it was formatted.
It can be creepy and it can be helpful depends on what your using it for. The poem and song writing is just a fun way to use it. Like any tech it can be used for good or evil.

I didn’t like the part of the poem that said she tries to love the cats but can’t love them lol Like what?

The poem about Big Brother by Orwell is creepy yes! So is everything about 1984 the book and movie. I watched that movie a few months back and I never felt such a rush of fear. I definitely never want to see it again.

 

[BlueDays]

My mistake I should have taken out the “heres what I have written part” and explained it was AI first.
I just copy pasted it off the app the way it was formatted.
It can be creepy and it can be helpful depends on what your using it for. The poem and song writing is just a fun way to use it. Like any tech it can be used for good or evil.

I didn’t like the part of the poem that said she tries to love the cats but can’t love them lol Like what?

The poem about Big Brother by Orwell is creepy yes! So is everything about 1984 the book and movie. I watched that movie a few months back and I never felt such a rush of fear. I definitely never want to see it again.

I read the part about her not being able to love her cats as being because she was so numb with her emotional pain that she could not "feel" any love, even for her cats.
Some people's pain can numb them so much they can no longer feel any feelings. Idk that's just what I interpreted it to mean.

 

[MollyBeGood]

prompt for the day:

What is the meaning of life?

That is a very deep and interesting question. There is no definitive answer to it, as different philosophical traditions have offered different perspectives on the meaning of life. According to one source², there are three main questions that people tend to ask when they talk about life's meaning: "What are you talking about?", "What is the meaning of life?", and "Is life in fact meaningful?".

Some philosophers have tried to clarify what we mean by "life's meaning" and whether it is a coherent concept at all. One view is that it is a cluster of overlapping ideas, such as fulfilling higher-order purposes, meriting substantial esteem or admiration, having a noteworthy impact, transcending one's animal nature, making sense, or exhibiting a compelling life-story².

Other philosophers have tried to provide substantive answers to the question of what makes life meaningful, if anything. Some of the major approaches are:

- Theism: The view that life has meaning because it is created and governed by a God or a Supreme Being who has a plan for us and who rewards or punishes us after death. This view is common in many religions, such as Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, etc.
- Naturalism: The view that life has meaning because it is part of a natural order that can be understood by reason and science. This view often rejects the existence of supernatural entities or forces and emphasizes the value of human autonomy and rationality. Some examples of naturalist philosophers are Aristotle, Spinoza, Kant, etc.
- Existentialism: The view that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, but that each individual can create their own meaning by making authentic choices and taking responsibility for their actions. This view often stresses the freedom and uniqueness of human existence, as well as the absurdity and anxiety that come with it. Some examples of existentialist philosophers are Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Sartre, Camus, etc.
- Nihilism: The view that life has no meaning or value at all, and that nothing matters in the end. This view often denies the possibility of objective morality, truth, or knowledge, and sees human existence as futile and meaningless. Some examples of nihilist philosophers are Schopenhauer, Cioran, Zapffe, etc.

These are just some of the main philosophical perspectives on the meaning of life. There are many more variations and nuances within each tradition, as well as other views that do not fit neatly into any category. Ultimately, the question of what gives life meaning is a personal one that each individual must answer for themselves.

Source: Conversation with Bing, 3/24/2023(1) The Meaning of Life - Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/life-meaning/ Accessed 3/24/2023.
(2) Life Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/life Accessed 3/24/2023.
(3) Life | Definition, Origin, Evolution, Diversity, & Facts | Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/science/life Accessed 3/24/2023.
(4) Life Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/life Accessed 3/24/2023.
(5) The Meaning of Life According to Different Philosophies. https://blog.adioma.com/meaning-of-life-according-to-philosophy/ Accessed 3/24/2023.
(6) Philosophy of life Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/philosophy of life Accessed 3/24/2023.
(7) The meaning of life: exploring different philosophical perspectives. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/meaning-life-exploring-different-philosophical-perspectives-lee Accessed 3/24/2023.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Have to get this down before I forget it.

It’s hard to write about dreams you had the night before unless you write them down right when you wake up, but I finally have a bit of time to do it now later in the day. I will try my best to do some memory recall, my memory isn’t that great due to CPTSD and anxiety however. Here goes..

There was a tiger looking into my windows at night. I remember looking out the window and seeing him there, I feel like it was a male tiger…I wasn’t scared though. I went outside and noticed he had a collar on. I took ahold of his collar, not sure why he had one on? I then distinctly remember he was very calm and had a non threatening aura about him. I am thinking he was a domesticated tiger…I then led him in the dark through the lawn away from my house. Not sure where we were going but it was a nice, dreamlike walk. I woke up from the dream after that. I distinctly remembered feeling very much in awe of this beautiful animal. I also felt somehow more confident and self assured of myself. So this dream was basically pretty amazing and I wish it was longer. It also reaffirmed my admiration of our Creator God and his incredible handiwork.

 

[MollyBeGood]

 

[MollyBeGood]

The sparrow and the thread



Life is but a tender thread

That weaves among the flowers

And when it snaps, we join the dead

In silent, dreamless hours



We know not when the end will come

Or how we'll meet our fate

But we can hope to live with love

And not with fear or hate



For life is but a precious gift

That we should not despise

But cherish every breath we take

And every starry sky



And sometimes life is like a bird

That rests upon our hand

And if we hold it too tightly

It flies away to distant lands



But if we let it go with care

It may return someday

And sing to us a sweet refrain

Of joy and hope and grace

 

[MollyBeGood]

 

[MollyBeGood]

My first time taking this test. Guess I need to look into a more professional diagnosis but this is a place to start.

 

[MollyBeGood]

 

[MollyBeGood]

This song never gets old