My mum keeps having aggressive mood swings

[Feathers]

ahhh....so it's not that she's being unreasonable.
She takes pride in the fact I contribute?

Lol I don't know that, I don't know your mom.. It's likely though, yup..
LOTS of parents are proud that their kids contribute.. I know for a fact that out neighbour is very much upset that her kids (both working full-time) don't..

And I CAN afford to pay for the toaster (£79.00!) It's just I want to put a small sum of my paycheck away for savings just as a safety net. She said that I don't need anything at the moment and therefore can splash out for X-mas, and then start saving at the start of the year. Both arguments seem OK, but it's just little things like that she blows WAY out of proportion.

I totally understand you - in fact, if you were my daughter, I'd be proud of you!

Parents can have different beliefs about money than kids, and this can cause disagreements... For her, maybe the gifts and Xmas are more important (maybe she still wants you to be 'her little kid' if she says that..) and for you (quite smartly) it's 'the safety net'.. Maybe she thinks too that you are 'just 17 and don't need to think about money' and wants you to have one more 'good' Christmas? (?)

Blowing things out of proportion or other 'thought distortions' can be a sign of depression (=black and white thinking, have you checked any books or sites on CBT yet?) or indeed hormonal imbalance or such.. (or both)
Too much Wii/computer exposure can possibly have a bad effect too.. (?)
Why using a computer can cause depression | Mail Online

It's good that you are responsible about money.. Some kids have summer jobs or do some part-time work here in high school already too.. It may help kids to appreciate it more..
A girl I know got money from her dad and splurged it all on silly things and didn't know how to appreciate it until she started earning it herself and living on her own..

Must go off to lunch now, lol!

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Now haven't checked any books or sites on CBT. Can you send me a link?
So all that we've discused, do you think I should face her moods head on and deal with them best as I can, OR, stay away from her in attempt to be away from her moods?

As a suffering from Social Phobia (duh..I'm on this site) covering recpetion was a huge deal to me, bcos I have to deal with lots of people and phone calls.
I managed OK, could have gone better but it could have gone ALOT worse, so I'm grateful it didn't LOL! (Totally random but it's a huge deal to me)

 

[Feathers]

Hey Jodie,
I recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns for learning basics of CBT... You can use this for yourself, and you can maybe 'accidentally' leave it around for your mom to see.. (It won't work to 'push' it on her... maybe after you've read it and if it was helpful to you you can rave what a great book it is and try to get'em interested?)
Someone on this site had a good link too, will see if I can find it..

You can do a combination of things.

Reading 'Dealing with Difficult People' by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkmann helped me a lot too.. (My mom has been a 'granate', kept doing the 'martyr' stuff and has had problems organizing work, and then she exploded when we didn't read her mind and did exactly what she wanted..) Some stuff there is really helpful.. See if your library has it.. You need to be diplomatic with this stuff though.. (and possibly not leave this book lie around lol)
You can educate yourself.. These things can help you in work life and elsewhere too..

I tried confronting my mom about her negativity (when she was negative) and it didn't really work, she just exploded into more negativity...
Sometimes I could talk to her afterwards, when she was calm and not in one of her 'angry modes'.. (the funny thing is she doesn't really accept or admit being angry..) Then it was better for a while, then she started off again.. So don't expect sudden miracles...

You could try to make her into an ally, this may take some time.. Depends on your time and energy etc.

I helped with some stuff she finds important and this improved our relationship.. It's not a 'once and for all' improved situation though, required ongoing work and sometimes I just prefer to stay away if I need some peace... (sometimes I have resented helping out too, or even had to 'advertise myself' so she was aware not every daughter does this..)

If you try to google 'My parents' the 6th link Google suggests is 'My parents don't love me'. Reading those links can be helpful to you too. You are still young. I wish I knew some of these things before.

Some parents really have a hard time expressing good things to kids.. or accepting their kids as they are..
Some are too set in their ways to change..
In that case, living your life may be the best way..

((hugs))

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

I'll check those books out, cheers.
Thank you for all your advice.
Very grateful.
xxxx
Jodie

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Last night I avoided my mum, did my best not to set her off.
Was in my room all evening watching a film and she came bursting in my room without knocking and I know that if she doesn't knock she's mad with me about something or other.
Anyways, she came in yelling at me for not asking to USE THE VCR! It was MY VCR, that I've had for years (as you can imagen! ..it's a VCR!) It's been in the spare bedroom for months cos I was given a TV with built in DVD player so hadn't used the VCR in ages and it took up room so that's why it was in spare bedroom.
She called me names and said I had no repect. Then LITTERLY 5mins after she came in and said "you watch that video down stairs if you want cos I'm going for a bath and mia (my 5yr old sister) is going to bed"
I cried under my covers after that cos she's got 2 unpredicable personalities I swear!

Thoughts?

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

If anyone is interested, my mum said I don't have to pay rent for November, and use that money to buy x-mas gifts.
Hoping she doesn't change her mind!

 

[Feathers]

Her form of birth control is IUF (I think that's what it's called - the lil thing that goes into the top of your arm) She gets VERY depressed when she has PMS so the doctors put her on meds (that you can buy over the counter too, so they're not harmful or strong) to make her body think it's in menopause so she wouldn't get any PMS.

Hey Jodie. I don't know what kind of birth control you are speaking about - does she get a syringe every once and a while or a patch? Can you find out the name of it?
Can you find out the name of the anti-PMS meds too, or any other meds she's on? Did she start taking any new meds in October or September?

If you google 'birth control mood swings' it seems a lot of people complain of mood swings.. Different forms or pills can have different effects.. Has she changed meds or started taking any new meds recently? When did she start taking anti-PMS over-the counter meds?

It really does sound a bit irrational, from what you've said.. About the VCR etc. (My dad was horrible on anti-allergy pills too, and they were not considered 'harmful' either..)
Also, it seems she got very forgetful.. Has she ever been diagnosed with any type of ADD or bipolar?
Nutrition can be connected to forgetfulness too, or some other things..

I saw your photos and you're really beautiful.. Maybe she's jealous?
She has a young daughter and new partner... Maybe she's afraid he'd be looking at you and not at her?
Maybe that's why she wants you to have your own bf and more social life?
Just guessing here, it could also be other things..

Maybe she dislikes you watching films and would prefer you to spend time on other things...? How about house work, are you both okay with who does what etc? (dishes, laundry, etc?) Do you do any house work or does she do everything?
Maybe she has something iffy in the spare bedroom? (which she didn't want you to find? )

Maybe she just loves you and wants you to have a good life and not just watch films all the time..
(My parents were very concerned too because sis and I watched so much TV/films..)

If she said use the November rent for gifts, maybe you could do that (or try to get it in writing first? Though she'd probably flip if you ask her, but you could point out her forgetfulness.. Though she maybe wouldn't like to hear it either.. So, your choice..)

Sorry I can't be more helpful, struggling with some of the similar issues too, like you..

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Oh please, you couldn't be more helpful hun
No it has nothing to do with my looks, and she's been married for 9 years, so NO my step dad isn't looking at me.

"Maybe she dislikes you watching films and would prefer you to spend time on other things...? How about house work, are you both okay with who does what etc? (dishes, laundry, etc?) Do you do any house work or does she do everything?

THAT IS 100% SPOT ON! She's always going on about me doing more, but I'm freaking paying rent, what more do you want! So that maybe why, she could just be soo sick of my being lazy ect.....mmmm...sumin to think about....

"Maybe she has something iffy in the spare bedroom? (which she didn't want you to find?"
Never thought of that. Perhaps.....mmmmm.

 

[Feathers]

Okay, glad to hear

"Maybe she dislikes you watching films and would prefer you to spend time on other things...? How about house work, are you both okay with who does what etc? (dishes, laundry, etc?) Do you do any house work or does she do everything?

THAT IS 100% SPOT ON! She's always going on about me doing more, but I'm freaking paying rent, what more do you want! So that maybe why, she could just be soo sick of my being lazy ect.....mmmm...sumin to think about....

Okay, my Mum is like that too.. Got freakin' obsessed about dishes and laundry at times.. She was always going on about cleaning etc before too, even when we were kids (she hates cleaning and cooking and house work, so no wonder we hate it too..) and even wrote little plays how kids surprise Mom with cleaning the house for birthday/International Women's Day or such.. (!)

This can be part of the '5 languages of love' thing - they only feel loved or that they are good parents if you do the dishes. It's quite scary at times, very unpleasant, but easy to mend.. (I really hate doing the dishes etc too, but fair is fair, hmm..)

Calculate how many people there are in the house, and how many times a week it's your turn to do the dishes or cook or do laundry etc. Does step-dad do anything or just mom? Does mom work too or stays at home? Things to consider..

If the little one is 5, washing dishes may be not advisable yet, though young kids can get enthusiastic about things easily, and could 'help' in their little ways.. especially if you have unbreakable dishes.. it could be like 'play' almost.. could also help fill washing machine etc.
(I had small ones mop the floor enthusiastically, mom had to do it once more after them, but enthusiasm was soo great!! lol)

If your mom is anything like mine, she might also expect you to 'read her mind' and do things without being told.. It's up to you then to see what needs to be done or ask in advance, or make some sort of schedule (formal or informal-just for you)... For example, who cooks and does dishes on week days, who on weekends.. So that it's kinda fair.. (?)

Do let us know how it goes!

 

[punklove]

She makes you pay rent when your 17? Isn't the legal age to be doing that 18?
If so then really your not required by law to pay rent.

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

no its not the law.
You can pay rent when ever.
its not contract rent anyway, its just a mother asking her child to contribute. A little unfair I think seeing as how my first ever paycheck went to her.

 

[Feathers]

Well, it seems like there may be a lot of resentment on both sides...

I can understand being angry and disappointment if your whole first paycheck went to her (?) Did you at least manage to buy something nice too?
Did she maybe lend you some money beforehand to buy something nice? (you spoke it was debt, or was it just for rent?)

It may be difficult to do the dishes or anything if you're angry at that person.. (at least I found it so..) So I moped around a bit and 'boycotted' them, and when they calmed down and started to be nicer or were away from home I started doing the dishes again, cause it seemed like a good thing to do, and fair to everyone.. (and my sis almost flipped cause I didn't lol, and the computer wasn't working so I had time, lol)

Honestly I did more dishes as a kid/teenager though.. (Didn't have the OCD-ish tendencies or such and eco anxiety then, so it was easier..) Also I felt it was kinda a way to contribute, if I couldn't contribute with money, I could at least this way.. Sis and I forught over it anyway.. But we still did it, if needed.. So, hm? Think about it.. do you want to have a nagging dragon of a mom, or do you do the dishes, lol? At least you could try it and see if situation improves any?

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

well....yeah I guess I could help out around the house without being told to, but when I do that my thinks I must want something and that pisses me off, but if I keep it up and don't ask for anything she'll relise im not doing to get something in return.

Just effert to be honest ::

Um no it wasnt just rent, she had been paying for my travel expences ect, but when I get my 1st paycheck she wanted it all back. Which is fair anough, I can see both sides to that arugment, but it's done now, so no point dwelling on it.

XXX J