My mum keeps having aggressive mood swings

[Jodie-Tyler]

SOOO SORRY THIS IS SOO LONG!!
BUT PLEASE READ IT. I NEED HELP.

I'm 17, and I live with my family still.
And I started full time work in September '10, and she makes me pay rent which I hated and we drove each other crazy for a while. Beacause she would take pleasure in asking me for money that I owed her which made me angry but I don't express my anger (probably a really un-healthy thing do to but ah well) and so I would stay in my room 24/7 which drives her crazy because if I'm not arround there's no one to shout at ect.

Then when I paid off my 'debts' to her, we were fine, got along, not best mates but OK.
Then all of a sudden she shouts at me over the smallest thing and changes from REALLY nice to REALLY angry in the space of 30mins to an hour!
Nothing has changed at home, life is still the same, I thought maybe it was PMS, but it's been going on for weeks now,

and the other day she picked me up from the station after work, and was relaly nice/normal "How was your day?" ect..
Then in the space of 20 mins, we got through the front door and she yelled at me because we got onto the convsersation about x-mas gifts and I said "even though I'm working, I may not have anough money to buy expeniseve x-mas gifts because i'm saving, and that toaster is really expenisive" (she had brort the things that are 'to her from me' already)

Then she screamed while walking up the stairs and called me names that I wont repeat.
No-one else in my family is at the front line of her mood swings, they're all directed at me, and I don't know what to do.
That above incident happened last night and i've decided not to talk at all, not do anything that way she can't accuse me of anything.

ANY advice will be appreciated.
Many Thanks xxxx

 

[Kato]

My dad use to relentlessly yell at me when I became more independent. Probably made him feel less in control.

Make sure you take care of you first. You are more than worth it to so many you will meet in life and they might need your strength.

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Thank you for your comment.
You're right.

However it is more expected for a father to feel out of control when their child/ren become indpendent, whereas it's more likely that the mother will drive their child/ren to independence so to prepare them for the 'real world'

Did your dad ever become really angry or would he just moan like an everyday parent does?

 

[Kato]

Thank you for your comment.
You're right.

However it is more expected for a father to feel out of control when their child/ren become indpendent, whereas it's more likely that the mother will drive their child/ren to independence so to prepare them for the 'real world'

Did your dad ever become really angry or would he just moan like an everyday parent does?

He passed away this winter.Until the year before his death he would easily give me responses of fury. He would have until his death but his Alzheimer had progressed severely. I was the black sheep of the family and he blamed me for much of the dysfunction in the family. He was very controlling and didn't like the loss of it. I think it threaten how he viewed himself.

Often when out of control, some people feel the need to be in control of others.Especially those they view as weaker.

 

[deleted user 1]

I can really relate to this. In my opinion, these kinds of people are ones which cannot control their emotions. You effectively have to say and do everything that pleases them or else they go off the rails. Unfortunately the world does not work in such a way, and thus you, being the most immediately available person, become the vice for destructive venting. In all of my experiences these people have been very proud and unwilling to admit that they have a problem, so I see no way to resolve this problem other than to cut the chord as soon as you can. If there's a better way, then please be the first to let me know. As for the retention of your feelings, this is very bad. I do the same thing, but try to find ways of venting it. I know it's not easy though, and it's so very easy to turn to self-destructive behaviour. I wish I had a better response to give you.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Hey it's a shot in the dark but it's something to look into.

My mom has horrible mood swings.. like she's insane. She picks fights with everybody, but mostly me because I remind her of herself. When she was a kid, the doctors thought she had multiple personality disorder because her mood would switch around so much, anger mainly, some depression.

Does your mom exhibit signs of depression? Because if so, you might want to look into her diet for the answer. My mom discovered that she was gluten intolerant. When she doesn't eat gluten, she doesn't have her anger mood swings or depression anymore. (Unfortunately, she went back to the stuff and is her old crazy self.) Food intolerances run in families and the most common symptoms are usually depression, irritability and anxiety.

I also discovered i'm gluten intolerant and the doctors used to consider me bipolar because I had such mood swings and emotional disturbances. Mainly related again to anger and severe irritability, depression and anxiety. I went off of what it is I found out I was intolerant to and that all went away, unless I eat gluten or lactose (gluten and lactose intolerant) I don't get that way anymore. Period.

Sometimes it's something as simple as diet, especially if the person just doesn't 'seem like themselves' at times.

3 most common intolerances: Gluten, dairy, eggs.

Here are just some examples, even though some of these people are celiacs, it's just a form of a food intolerance.
Irritability - Celiac Disease and Gluten-Free Forum (Home)
Is Being Angry My Only celiac disease Symptom? - Celiac Disease and Gluten-Free Forum (Home)
http://www.celiac.com/gluten-free/topic/31321-gluten-rages/

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

TheAristocrat:
Your post is VERY helpful. Alot of the time, when someone is telling you their problems they mostly want someone to agree.
And I agree when you said I should cut the chord soon as, which I would love to move out and do, but can't afford it at the moment so instead I just live in my room.
But thank you, it was a very good post

EscapeArtist:
Wow that's interesting. I will look into thank you.
I don't think it could be her diet cos it's been roughly the same for months, but as I say, I spend most of my time in my room so I may be missing something.
I do know she changed something or other as regards to daily exerise, so she may have changed her diet too.
Never would have though about that. I thought it was something to do with her mental state.
CHEERS, big help

 

[Darryl]

Money- She is stressing over it with an anxiety build up and release when she gets home.

Quite sad, I not taking sides but sounds like shes under pressure over finances.

I don't know if not talking is going to solve the problem, I know it will give you some space in the mean time.

Money, people have ideas of how they are going to look after their family and when the cost of living is so high, disapointment, failure, etc usually fill the mind.
Don't think shes yelling at you, deep down she's yelling at her self and wanting a argument for release.

Unfortunatly it started with high expectations and all shes feeling mad from disappointment.

Kind Regards Darryl

 

[Kato]

Money- She is stressing over it with an anxiety build up and release when she gets home.

Quite sad, I not taking sides but sounds like shes under pressure over finances.

I don't know if not talking is going to solve the problem, I know it will give you some space in the mean time.

Money, people have ideas of how they are going to look after their family and when the cost of living is so high, disapointment, failure, etc usually fill the mind.
Don't think shes yelling at you, deep down she's yelling at her self and wanting a argument for release.

Unfortunatly it started with high expectations and all shes feeling mad from disappointment.

Kind Regards Darryl

Good insight Darryl

 

[Dronee]

Yes, I agree to a large extent to all the other posters, especially Darryl. My little two cents on this is that if you've the time and extra energy, exercise a lot. It gets you out of the house and helps you face all that screaming better. Otherwise, just either stay in your room as you do or go outside and find something to do...

I'm really sorry to hear about all your problems with your mum. I think you just have to mentally prepare yourself even if she's nice. Just accept that there's the other side of her and when she's screaming, remind yourself that there's the nice part of her somewhere inside... then move on quickly either to your room or somewhere else.

Sorry if those advice aren't helpful. I do know this though. If you've some kind of talent or just spare time, you can make some money on the internet to help you.. since money is part of the reason for the conflicts in the first place (sigh.. it's almost always money isn't it?)...

Though just a heads up.. if you intend to go the internet route, there's LOTS and LOTS of scams out there and even 'legitimate' things like Forex are often dangerous to fool around with if you're not really really good at it.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/online-work-and-other-work-24739/

That's a thread I made long ago. It has some useful information in it if you're interested.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Jodie,
I can relate to some of what you say too..

How old is your mom? Could it be she's menopausal? (There are different stages and different symptoms, some women can become pre-menopausal or early menopausal at a young age too..) Some of this can be related to nutrition too, I read that eating soy and lentils can help with the hormones etc. (Probably best to avoid GMO soy though and go for organic...) Even if she is, she may refuse to talk about it or blame it on you or other things instead, it may help you to be aware of it though..

What kind of exercise changes has she made? Increase or decrease?
No exercise can make people feel cranky.. Is she trying to lose weight? That can make her feel cranky too.. and 'let loose' some of that on you - maybe she's displeased about other things and just finds it easiest to 'vent' on you... (?)

Check the nutrition too, maybe with yourself first, like EscapeArtist said.. Did her mood swings start recently or did she have them all the time before already? (Mine has been cranky and venting a lot before too, though not so much at me, more at dad.. Maybe you just didn't hang out so much with her before, or it was directed at someone else?) Has she lost job recently, or is her or dad's job in danger? Or any of them before retirement or recently retired? (Mine were sorta ballistic at such times.. Later on things settled down..) Do you have any relatives with celiac or food intolerances?

Does she eat a lot of sugar or 'unhealthy' things? That can cause mood swings too.. Even 'healthy food' can still come with too little magnesium or protein or some other important minerals/vitamins.. Even some supplements/multivitamins (or any meds she might take, even something like anti-allergy pills) can make things worse..

Did you buy any new furniture/carpeting etc or did a factory near by start working more or any environmental problems or excessive noise near-by? These things can be a factor too, and can make people more cranky or 'anti-social' or even cause health or mental health problems or such.

Is she displeased about something? For example, did she want you to go to college and instead you chose to work? Maybe she's afraid you will only earn a little and would prefer you to study and get a bigger paycheck later on? Or did she want you to get a better/different job? (Or did it start when you dropped out of school and didn't have a job - this can freak parents out...) Can you maybe still continue the education somehow, if you haven't finished it yet? Lots of parents flip about kids not atudying/working... It's not to take it personally...

Or could it be you are looking beautiful and she might have problems with that? (Some moms can be jealous of their daughters, sadly.. or project their own wishes and fears on them.. For example, if she wanted to be a lawyer or doctor, she may want you to be a lawyer or doctor and be really disappointed if you don't go that way... It can be really annoying sometimes.)

I think it's okay to contribute to family costs if you earn money, especially if the family doesn't have much money, and also to learn independence and learn handling money.. It's good to save money too.. Actually we have a 'no gifts' policy at home, for environmental and other reasons - could you try to talk about something like this to your family? Lots of years we just got each other lots of useless crap.. Then one year we talked about it and started by contributing to a charity.. Then it just went from there..

Electronic gizmos like toasters take up space, use worthwhile materials and are sometimes difficult to recycle or get illegally recyled in Asia or Africa, sometimes by children, in dangerous conditions - so I try to stay away from buying new e-tech gear because e-waste is such a big problem.. Though your mom would probably not really understand that if she just wants a new toaster? hmm..

Our parents can be much more materialistic than we are... At least mine are.. Dad keeps urging me to buy new things even if I don't want to.. I also tell'em not to buy me gifts.. (and to make less waste instead ) Yup sometimes they hate it too, lol..

I would strongly advise you not to stay in your room too much (in fact that's what she may have a problem with too)... Go for walks, to the library, to any free entertainment events or courses.. see friends or acquaintances or co-workers.. Your parents may respect you more if you are less at home and they see you have other interests too etc. Exercise. (Ideally out of home, walking/jogging is free... and some other things too..) Make a 'timetable' of interesting things and events for each week... So you don't just hang at home and be miserable.. Easier said than done, I know!

The book Five languages of love says people have different 'primary' language of love, there are five: gifts, time together (subcategory: talking), kind words, deeds of love (doing the dishes etc), touch.
I am suspecting gifts might be an important category for your mom (?) (Mine is craziest about doing the dishes, alas!! The gifts come a close second, I think.. then everything else..) So, think about this too, maybe get the book from the library or check their website..

What are you saving up for? (Did you tell her?) To move away? Maybe she's not ready yet to have you move away? Or maybe she felt like she's not important to you anymore? (And any of your plans or wishes are more important?) Or is your rent contribution a significant portion of household income now, and she might be afraid how they'd do it without you?

Just things to consider... ((hugs))

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

It's not money.
She's not in any debt and not... strapt for cash.
Don't know where people are getting that from.

 

[Feathers]

Well, you didn't specifically explain it.
And just because someone is not in debt, that doesn't mean anything. My parents are not in debt and they worry about money A LOT!

I just thought there may be things to consider.

It may not be money for herself directly, she may worry about money for YOU when you grow up. Not sure how well-paid jobs you can get at 17?

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Oh right yeah, me not be able to pay expensive gifts. My bad, forgot what I had said.

 

[Darryl]

and she makes me pay rent which I hated and we drove each other crazy for a while.

Beacause she would take pleasure in asking me for money that I owed her which made me angry

Then when I paid off my 'debts' to her, we were fine, got along, not best mates but OK.

about x-mas gifts and I said "even though I'm working, I may not have anough money to buy expeniseve x-mas gifts because i'm saving, and that toaster is really expenisive" (she had brort the things that are 'to her from me' already)


ANY advice will be appreciated.
Many Thanks xxxx[/FONT]

Sorry Jodie, this is where I made the connection.

Didn't mean to offend you just saw how money was part of your issue.

Kind Regards
Darryl

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Feathers:
I'm not sure if her exersize had decreased or increased, i think its about the same but she's left the gym she goes to everyday and goes to a gym/class that only focuses on 'hardcore' exercise to workout your 'Legs, Bums, and Tums' And that's once week. She's on WII Fit 24/7 though. So like I said, it's probably the same.

She's 41. She's not in menopause but is taking medication to make her body think she is. I did think that may be causing the mood swings and did some research on it, but I only found out that it causes 'Depression + Anxiety' not anger.
Her diet is the same for ages so I don't think it's to do with food, and no she hasn't lalways been like this. The angry mood swings only began early October.
There are no money problems on her part, no bad news delivered.
She's clearly in a mid-life crisis and I did think she may be making my life misrable was because I still have my youth. She's defo not jelous of my looks (cos i have none) nor weight, she's a dress size smaller than me.

She was the one to force me into going into work, but only because I think she's sick of paying things herself and now wants me to do it. But in my eyes, im only 17, shouldn't have to worry about money and things 24/7 which I do cos I pay for EVERYTHING I want/need.

No, she has no idea that I'm desperate to move out.
This help answer your questions?

 

[Feathers]

Oh right yeah, me not be able to pay expensive gifts. My bad, forgot what I had said.

Yeah, that's kinda what I meant.. Parents can have certain 'expectations'...
To afford luxury trips, get a new car or remodel the house, to brag with their top-journalist daughter (or whatever)... to have kids 'contribute' in big ways.. (Sometimes they brag about their kids' jobs or achievements too, or exotic travels, or later on kids/grandkids.. or who was on holiday where..) Depends on your mom's friends and relatives too.. And if you 'promised a lot' at school or so.. I had good grades (which they bragged about, though said nothing to me!) so they expected A LOT from me, and to them I was like a huge disappointment, and so we have gotten into conflict over seemingly unimportant things a lot..

It can also be a genuine concern for you. 'If you can't even buy a toaster, how well will you do in life?' etc.

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

ahhh....so it's not that she's being unreasonable.
She takes pride in the fact I contribute?

And I CAN afford to pay for the toaster (£79.00!) It's just I want to put a small sum of my paycheck away for savings just as a safety net. She said that I don't need anything at the moment and therefore can splash out for X-mas, and then start saving at the start of the year. Both arguments seem OK, but it's just little things like that she blows WAY out of proportion.

 

[Feathers]

Okay, this explains it a lot. Seems you answered your own questions if any.. - maybe I just misunderstood the nature of your post and thought you might want some answers on why she's like that..
that's why I posted the suggestions/ideas on what could be the problem..

she's left the gym she goes to everyday and goes to a gym/class that only focuses on 'hardcore' exercise to workout your 'Legs, Bums, and Tums' And that's once week. She's on WII Fit 24/7 though. So like I said, it's probably the same.

She's 41. She's not in menopause but is taking medication to make her body think she is. I did think that may be causing the mood swings and did some research on it, but I only found out that it causes 'Depression + Anxiety' not anger.

Someone online has been pre-menopasusal/menopausal around that age already..

early or premature menopause is typically used to mean menopause that comes well before the average age of normal menopause -- when you're still in your 20s, 30s, or early 40s. What Is Early Menopause?

I wonder about what kind of meds she's taking (?) not sure if I understood you right - to continue menstruation (a few friends take such meds too, basically birth control pills) or to avoid it (does such a thing exist?)

depression+anxiety can lead to anger too.. and not all side-effects are easily publicly accessible.. I found some info on some meds I was taking only on a Czech website.. (!)

Her diet is the same for ages so I don't think it's to do with food, and no she hasn't lalways been like this. The angry mood swings only began early October.

Okay, what happened early October?

There are no money problems on her part, no bad news delivered.
She's clearly in a mid-life crisis and I did think she may be making my life misrable was because I still have my youth. She's defo not jelous of my looks (cos i have none) nor weight, she's a dress size smaller than me.

Makes a lot of sense.. She might even be angry at you for having too much weight (or concerned about it, depending what weight we are talking about, and if could be a health problem- my sis is quite very much overweight and the parents have given her a hard time a lot) or for not making an effort to 'look good' which she's clearly trying to accomplish herself.. Might be jealous of age too, yup..

She was the one to force me into going into work, but only because I think she's sick of paying things herself and now wants me to do it. But in my eyes, im only 17, shouldn't have to worry about money and things 24/7 which I do cos I pay for EVERYTHING I want/need

Are you still in school/studying full time? That may be a big factor here too..

 

[Jodie-Tyler]

Her form of birth control is IUF (I think that's what it's called - the lil thing that goes into the top of your arm) She gets VERY depressed when she has PMS so the doctors put her on meds (that you can buy over the counter too, so they're not harmful or strong) to make her body think it's in menopause so she wouldn't get any PMS.

She's an 8 dress size and I'm a 10, so we're both not over weight or under.
I'm working full time. Finished school. (She went straight into work after school too, it's what she wanted me to do, although I did get in to a college)
Nothing really happened in October, it's just that I remember her mood swings turned more frequent and aggressive in early Oct. (Cos I'm female so I'm allowed to say that most woman do tend to have mood swings from time to time...but my mums are really aggressive now)
I have to cover reception where I work now for an hour, so I wont be able to reply until after 3pm. UK time. (Don't know where you are)

xxx