My Life is Over?

[live]

Hey, I'm 19, and ever since I could remember I have shyed away from social situations. The best example I can give from my early life is the fact that I dreaded the fact that I had to go to kindergarten. (I often wonder why I am the way I am, and often my answer is this:it's just always the way I have been) I had one friend in elementary school, who loved videogames, as I did. I never ran around the nighborhood with a group of friends, never played a pickup soccer game. I spent most of my time on the computer, or playing crash bandicoot on ps1.

Middle school, high school, similar story, with a few more friends, no one 'close' though. Most of my life has been spent on google, searching random stuff that pops into my head, and clicking random links. No computer games, no IMing, nothing fun. I don't have any interests. Filling out a resume is excruciatingly painful for me, realizing how little I have done with my life. I don't have a car, I don have a license, I've never had any responsibility. My dad (parents divorce, big part of the story, ****ed me up real good) never holds to anything he says, talks and never acts, and I have fallen into this trap.

I spend most of my time watching TV, close to vegetating, depressing myself over how horrible and lifeless my life is. I plan to do awesome things and make amazing things, but they never get done. This hurts.

Ive got no one close to me, like as in a relationship. Im with my dad 99% of the time, and he always acts like he cares, and that he wants to help, and they he's a 'good dad,' but the truth is hes a complete *******.

Since I have literally sheltered myself my entire life, I have no social skills. In college (i have a 4.0 because literally, I feel I have nothing better to do than study) and in social situations, I over-analyze conversations. I am an awkward person, I never know what to talk about, because I don't know anything about anything, because I don't do anything.

I feel like I will never be able to pick up on the nuances of a relationship, not only social situations. I can't express myself, I can't tell people how I feel, because I am too concerned with obsessing over what I think I should be feeling, to the point where I don't 'feel' any way (or anything).

In a freshman in college. I have a customer service job at my college, (torture) no license, I feel trapped. I feel like I will never be able to relate to anyone, because I have never related to anyone in the past (all relationships with family and friends are shallow and meaningless), therefore I dont have the skills to relate to people in the future. I see myself living the life of a lonely bachelor... I care about people, and want relationships, but they seem so hard and complex and mentally and physically draining.

Is my life over? What do I do?

Anything you can say about this small look into my story is to me, worth more than gold. Thanks. Merry Christmas.

 

[SAM2011]

Your life is not over. You are so young and only 19 years old. Your never too young to start going for your license. You have a lot to look forward too. What about doing some volunteering work? You might be able to meet some good people through that. Don't give up.

 

[Porto]

I wish I would have 19 years old now. U have the time on your side at the moment. Altough u think u had lost a lot, u still have to much to accomplish and time to that...Make a list of your priorities and the things that have stucking u down last years...and take the first step!

 

[Juninho]

I hear you... I'm 25 and am in the same situation as you. I try to enjoy life, but on nights like this I always ask myself "Who am I kidding? Why do I keep believe I can escape this evil circle? Why the f*** do I feed myself with fake hope?"

 

[sullyS25]

Believe me I can identify with those feelings as I felt the same at your age.....I still feel the same from time to time but things get better....at least they did for me.

First of all your life is not over, you are at a point in your life where you will learn to grow....Quit comparing yourself to others, we all do it and it always results in feeling disappointed. You will always find someone in life to label "better than you" at one thing or another and it never helps. You are where you are and since I see you on this site it seems like you are taking certain steps to help yourself, you are reaching out to people.

You communicated yourself perfectly writing this post and if you work on it you will be able to do it in person, guaranteed!

Acceptance has really helped me as well....I am shy around people I do not know and when I accept that I feel good....when I constantly tell myself I should be outgoing and have million of friends I suffer psychologically. There is nothing wrong with being shy, don't beat yourself up for it, you are perfect the way you are. You just have to learn that.

I also have found it helps not to be a time traveller. That is to say that when I concentrate on the present moment instead of worrying about whether or not I will ever get married or be successful, I feel much better....The only thing that exists is this present moment and when you are intensely in the present moment, you can start to work on yourself and do the things that will help you as an individual. Constantly worrying about the future can be crippling and overwhelming....at least for me....

 

[Jegan]

You are too young..and your life is not over.. you havent even begun your life yet. Theres more to go. I always felt the same way about my life.. Just to let you know I am 26. I still feel the same way you do, but life goes on. I can totally relate. I am still trying to find out where i fit in this world..where i belong. I still cant find my place. jus to let u know your not alone.

Just be strong. I dont have much to say.

and by the way I got my license when i was 23. And i thought i was late.

 

[Hoppy]

You are doing well in college. You have a job you are keeping down. You are 19 years old.

I wish I was you. Not very helpful at all I know. I just wish I could have managed all that at that age.

 

[eatamoose372]

I feel the same way except I don't even go to college.. all I do is work Friday and Saturday nights and do nothing the rest of the week. My life is going no where and is hardly near what I'd hoped it'd be at this time but due to certain circumstances, I can't really change that. I like to tell myself things will change but deep inside I know they wont, not for a while anyways (not because I don't want them to or because I haven't been making an effort but because it just won't).
I feel like I've hit a dead end and there's nothing I can do but wait there until something comes along that will either help or destroy me..

I'm 18 btw

 

[live]

Believe me I can identify with those feelings as I felt the same at your age.....I still feel the same from time to time but things get better....at least they did for me.

First of all your life is not over, you are at a point in your life where you will learn to grow....Quit comparing yourself to others, we all do it and it always results in feeling disappointed. You will always find someone in life to label "better than you" at one thing or another and it never helps. You are where you are and since I see you on this site it seems like you are taking certain steps to help yourself, you are reaching out to people.

You communicated yourself perfectly writing this post and if you work on it you will be able to do it in person, guaranteed!

Acceptance has really helped me as well....I am shy around people I do not know and when I accept that I feel good....when I constantly tell myself I should be outgoing and have million of friends I suffer psychologically. There is nothing wrong with being shy, don't beat yourself up for it, you are perfect the way you are. You just have to learn that.

I also have found it helps not to be a time traveller. That is to say that when I concentrate on the present moment instead of worrying about whether or not I will ever get married or be successful, I feel much better....The only thing that exists is this present moment and when you are intensely in the present moment, you can start to work on yourself and do the things that will help you as an individual. Constantly worrying about the future can be crippling and overwhelming....at least for me....

Woah thanks sully, I can see that you must have gone through something similar to my current situation because you could tell how obsessed I am with comparing myself to other people. to me that's really cool.

I really see what you're saying about being in the moment, I always plan things or hope to end up a certain way, but the plans end their life only as plans, as I make so many of them that I never really accomplish anything... I will keep your words in mind from now on as some sort of motivation to start doing things, haha. =)

It seems sometimes that I,you know, "learn" or come to the realization of certain things, like what you said about being shy. I have realized that I am shy around people, and know that there are always shy people who get along great in life, but for some reason it just doesn't really stick... The realization isn't deep enough or hard-hitting to where I'm not constantly beating myself up. At what point, for you or just in general, do you think that something like that would really 'sink in'? To where i'm not obsessing?

 

[bsammy]

well im like the OP and still am but ive learned social skills but it hasnt helped me much, the emptiness and tiredness from socializing is still with me.i simply dont 'get it' when it comes to talking to other.the enjoyment or satisfaction from it is absent, no clue how to get that.some of you are very young though, at 18 or 19 you have alot of time to change so try to learn better social skills and see if that helps..just try and do whatever you can to NOT waste any more time as you dont want to get in your 20s or early 30s and still have this problem as then its almost too late..too many years of avoidance and isolation will throw you in that pit to where there is no return.

 

[sullyS25]

Woah thanks sully, I can see that you must have gone through something similar to my current situation because you could tell how obsessed I am with comparing myself to other people. to me that's really cool.

I really see what you're saying about being in the moment, I always plan things or hope to end up a certain way, but the plans end their life only as plans, as I make so many of them that I never really accomplish anything... I will keep your words in mind from now on as some sort of motivation to start doing things, haha. =)

It seems sometimes that I,you know, "learn" or come to the realization of certain things, like what you said about being shy. I have realized that I am shy around people, and know that there are always shy people who get along great in life, but for some reason it just doesn't really stick... The realization isn't deep enough or hard-hitting to where I'm not constantly beating myself up. At what point, for you or just in general, do you think that something like that would really 'sink in'? To where i'm not obsessing?

That is a good question but it isn't about a destination for me....It is about the journey and gradually learning to accept the way you are. If you still don't like the fact that you are shy, that is fine just accept those feelings and don't fight them. It is a process, learn to embrace it and enjoy it. When it "sinks in" there will be something else in your life to complain about because that is how our minds work.....My only advice is to enjoy the journey and every moment it has to offer, no matter where you are in it.

 

[Shade]

Your life is far from over. You're doing excellent in school and you're holding down a job. This is already a really good start. Have you thought about volunteering? I know someone above me mentioned it. You will meet people through that avenue (people who actually want to be there and are happy helping out). Just keep exposing yourself to other people. I know it's not easy, but growing into a well-rounded person takes time, patience, and some courage.

I encourage you to get your license. This brings you some more freedom. All the best to you, and keep moving forward

 

[OceanMist]

I still have the same problems at 27 years of age except i didn't graduate college. I never made it past freshman year. I still don't think my life is over.

Sully has a good point about not comparing yourself to others. Something they stress in one of those anxiety seminars that i thought was great was people like us should focus on doing what pleases ourselves. Live your life for you, because it's your life. What makes one person happy doesn't mean it will make the next person happy.

It feels better to just say the heck what anyone else thinks and start doing what you want. It took me years to start telling myself it's okay to be shy.

There is this "you have a right to be shy" thing where it says like 20 different things that you have a right to do. I need to try to find that on the web again, it was a really good thing that shows that you don't need to feel guilty about having an anxiety disorder.

Don't fall into society's trap where they convince you that you have to be the person they want you to be. I think we need to say f society and do what we want as long as it's within reason. The challenge is gaining the courage to do what you want.