Dude, AGAIN, i am like the same way as you. I used to be like a "cool" kid in my grade schools. I dated the hottest girls, was friends with everyone, and had fun. Although, i always was nervous around people i wasn't familiar with, it never seemed to actually matter back then. It was only when some things in my life started slowly changing that the nervousness i had would actually manifest and affect me.
But, i too went out with a great girl. She was a model! That was only five years ago, and looking back, i think to myself, HOW THE HELL did i talk to this girl!?
Like, not even the talking part, but like if i were to try to pursue a girl like her now, i would be scared for my life. Maybe i could gain the courage to ask her out, and she would probably say yes, but after that initial conversation...forget about it, i would probably ruin everything.
You know what i think it is. And, my therapist told me this too. He says i just was living in the moment. And i responded, "well, why is my memory so hazy of that time, even though i was enjoying myself so much?" And, he said to me that it was because i wasn't paying attention, i was just doing.
I wish i could just do, again. I don't know why i don't live in the moment anymore. Hell, when i was living in the moment, i didn't even realize i was doing it. I always had weird negative emotions and nervousness running around in my head. And, it seems like each year of grade school they got worse. But, i was fine with this, i could still manage life. But, when i got to college, that is when i crashed. The social anxiety hit me full throttle. I became self conscious. I would constantly compare myself to my friends, and i was just hating life.
It's amazing how our lives went from being so good to so bad. Writing this is making me depressed. I can't help but think to myself...was the past all just a big lie, and not really true? It is really sad, i have like no pictures to remind me of it all. My friends were always too "cool" to take pictures, which i think is so stupid. I think that is why i have SA partly. Because, the cool kids i would hang out with were so critical of eachother and me. They would make fun of any little thing wrong with everyone, and it made me so critical of myself. So, then as i developed SA, i think that is where the roots are. The fact that i judge myself negatively every time a word comes out of my mouth.
AHHHH, i wish i didn't write all that. But, i did, and i will probably thank myself for getting it down when i look back at it tomorrow.
Anyway, sorry for writing so much, but yeah i feel like i am kind of similar to you, i dont know if you feel the same, but it is good to actually feel like there is someone else out there like me.
