My Journey to Happiness

[ShelbyModerateSP]

I have read some of the journals on here and I like the idea of a public journal that others can comment and give feedback on. I would like to start my own, and this is going to be it.
First off people who haven't already talked to me on here should know a little back ground information.
I am a new user to this site and so far I am enjoying it greatly, the amount of support that comes from the members is just amazing. So thank you. Next along with my Social Phobia I suffer from depression, it comes in spouts for me. (IE acouple months i'll be happy, and then acouple I wont), also very very slight ocd, but nothing that's too concerning so I usually don't even bother to mention it.
My social fears are deep routed into an event that happened when I was four. I don't ever want to talk about it. So please don't ask.
I spent two years in therapy at a young age and decided to stop after one of my class mates found out I went there (SP took over and I feared them telling others)
My social anxiety was always managable, infact I never knew I had it for the longest time, I just thought I thought different than everyone else or I just severly lacked confidence.
Every relationship I get into I immediatly end with the fear of them ending it first (I dont like rejection), i've let two last and both of them cheated on me and hurt me bad, so now i make the concious decision simply not to date.
If I find myself "talking" to a guy, I make up reasons to stop.
I have no trust in those around me, and I am extremly shy when I dont know anyone.
I'm comfortable with the familiar and dislike change. etc etc etc, I could go on for days.

The reason I may seem comfortable on here is because I am behind a computer screen, you all have the same or similar disorder as me, and you all are so nice.

So here I go.

I am in a slump of depression right now and i'm trying to work out of it.
I am starting to take the neccesary actions to get over all my mental disorders, and I can't tell if it's working yet, but yesterday I ended a very sickly friendship, she had been my best friend for three years. (its very hard to end friendships for me because I have trouble making new ones) I feel like that was a step in the right direction. I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes also. I have noticed my mood going up alittle from that.
Today has been really good, I had a good feeling when I woke up and still have it, I am going to go out with my two best friends after work to do some volunteer work, to vamp up my application for the peace corp. I'm scared but i'm going to do it, itll help having people I know there.
anyway cheers, I hope everyones day is good, and if not that tomorrow be better.

~Shelby

 

[dyingtolive]

Hi shelby, sorry to be the first one again to comment on your post. you must be sick of hearing from me 8-x

its nice to hear that you are enjoying the site
I actually also had a bad traumatic experience when I was 4.. and others a couple of years later.. but i wont ask..

Good luck quitting cigarettes.. I smoked for about 12 years and was able to quit 3 years ago. I just told myself that I'll only quit once. And after 4 -7 days, it becomes a whole lot easier.

 

[Gaucho]

hey

good luck with you journey and in your future, i know how it feels to be depressed, i also suffer from depression. professional help should be the 1st and most important step. its easy to say, but i haven't done it so far and its my only solution.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Hi shelby, sorry to be the first one again to comment on your post. you must be sick of hearing from me 8-x

Nope not sick of hearing from you! thank you for the support

good luck with you journey and in your future

Thank you and therapy just doesn't seem right for my life right now but I'll give it a chance if I can't fix me myself

 

[MikeyC]

Another journal.

Good on you for ending a "sickly" friendship. Sometimes if we look at a friendship objectively, we can see it's not all it's cracked up to be. Despite it being upsetting that you had to do that, I think you've done the right thing.

It sucks that you've made the conscious decision not to date, but when you've been hurt enough in the past, it's difficult to think of it as anything but a bad experience. I don't date, but for different reasons. I do think that we both might be missing out on some positive outcomes.

I will be keeping up with this journal, methinks.

 

[Srijita52]

Its nice to read your journal.
I agree with Mikey about the 'sickly' friendship. I know how hard it is to end friendships but if it was causing you harm then its worth ending it.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed but I can see you're trying your best to beat this depression. Good luck and looking forward to more posts
Btw I love the name of your journal.

 

[Boby]

Awesome that you are already making a journal ,maybe one day I will have the courage to make one too.
I know how you feel about dating,my first and only experience with a girl was a really unpleasant one and I developed this fear to approach women because of it.
Good luck quitting smoking,I never smoked but I kinda know how hard it is to quit I have a lot of bad habits that are as or even more addictive than smoking.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

thank you all for all the positive feedback

My day yesterday continued to be good through out the day, I didn't end up getting the courage to go do the volunteer work but instead my friend and I went on a walk in our towns graveyard, it sounds creepy but I feel like you can look at graveyards two ways 1. theyre creepy 2. theyre calming, but anyway we cleaned up some of the graves and visited a couple. I was hoping my good mood to carry into today... but sadly it didn't, I have to keep reminding myself though that I can do it, that happiness can be found in anything if you look hard enough, even my Social phobic depressed life. I know there is so much happiness awaiting me in my future. So I will continue my journey through the down and bad days, hopefully my sun will be shining soon.

A light note to think about yesterday I kept questioning why I just can't be "normal" but then I tried to define normal, I feel like every human has something wrong with them, where it be physical, mental, or emotional, that's why there is the saying "no body is perfect", So I'm now feeling like we define our own "normal". I am normal and everyone without SA isn't, that will be my approach from now on, not to change myself, but to accept myself and work beyond my flaws.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Seconds later my day turns to ****...
That friendship I ended the day before last, well I just got a text from her boyfriend telling me to "F*** off"
I don't do good with negative things that are said to me, I hate when people dislike me and or are mad at me, at this point I want to crawl in a dark whole and spend the day crying there...

This might be harder than I had anticipated.

~shelby

 

[dyingtolive]

i hope things work out shelby,

ending friendships or being confrontational is not something im good at..
Well as long as you know you tried ur best to explain your side and you tried to do it in the smoothest way..

 

[MikeyC]

A light note to think about yesterday I kept questioning why I just can't be "normal" but then I tried to define normal, I feel like every human has something wrong with them, where it be physical, mental, or emotional, that's why there is the saying "no body is perfect", So I'm now feeling like we define our own "normal". I am normal and everyone without SA isn't, that will be my approach from now on, not to change myself, but to accept myself and work beyond my flaws.

"Normal" is hard to quantify, but we all know what our versions of normal are. I know what mine is. That's a good approach to take and I hope it can work for you.

Seconds later my day turns to ****...
That friendship I ended the day before last, well I just got a text from her boyfriend telling me to "F*** off"
I don't do good with negative things that are said to me, I hate when people dislike me and or are mad at me, at this point I want to crawl in a dark whole and spend the day crying there...

This might be harder than I had anticipated.

I'm sorry he said that, but unfortunately some backlash is to be expected. All you can do is cop his words on the chin and move on. If he's not a loser he won't contact you again.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

@dyingtolive thank you, Its not what im best at either, actually im very horrible at it, but I have been slowly ending this friendship for over a year, it was time for it to go.


@mikeyC Him saying that was not backlash of me ending my friendship..it was due to something else(not anything I did wrong though), he just happened to the boyfriend of the friendship I just ended. and I hope he doesnt contact... ever.

I don't know whether to post entries in here daily, weekly, etc. so i'm just going to do so as I see fit.

I think I just took a step in the right direction, I was texting a friend and he said something that makes me think to provide a response too. Normally when people send me these messages (the ones that are hard to respond too) I send something simple back or dont respond at all, because I get the severe notion that they are annoyed and don't want to talk anymore. Well I did my normal "send back something small" thing, but then I thought about it. I could have easily sat there and came up with a response, but I just feel into my old patterns. My emotions are telling me hes annoyed with me but my head now saying i'm being silly. Sitting here saying that i'm being silly though I still sent the small message is making me feel better, I am making a promise to myself to take in what people are saying and try and actually read their emotions instead of just assuming what they feel when texting me. I know that will be very hard in the real world, but I feel like starting with the way I text is a good slow and easy start.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Lastnight I decided to stay in, it wasn't a night I felt needed to be spent on overcoming my anxiety instead I contributed to my happiness by taking some R&R for myself, it felt nice to just relax by myself and let my mind free itself of worry.
Today I am challenging myself to go out and talk to some new people, we'll see how this goes, but as of now I'm content at work. (we don't have many customers on fridays so I dont have to talk to many people)
My anxiety is down this morning so I'm hoping tonight will go well!

~shelby

 

[Srijita52]

I'm glad you're feeling better today. Good luck with you challange of meeting new people, I hope everything goes well.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Thank you!

I had I a good weekend, I had moments of "my friends are being devious" but I kept them to myself and over came them in my head. I think that is my biggest problem, that the people closest to me are only there to hurt me. I think it's good that I've identified the thing that makes me most unhappy.
We'll see where this leads.

~shelby