My crappy relationship with my brother: who's at fault?

[yesman]

I need strong, objective people to read my story, and determine who's at fault for my bad relationship with my brother.

I think it started in grade 3. My brother, let's call him Jon, started calling me names like "stupid, idiot, etc". Because of my Tourettes, I was unable to realize that what he said were jokes, and so I took what he said very seriously. After that, I was determined to take EVERYTHING Jon said as personal attacks. Therefore, there would always be a lot of verbal abuse from both sides, and we occasionally fought physically.

I remember one fight we had. In grade 7, I told Jon I wanted to be a pilot when I grow up. He said I couldn't because of my Tourettes. We argued a lot, and I finally threw a pillow at him. It missed, and hit his laptop instead. He went berserk after that, but we did make up.

In grade 10, my OCD took a turn for the worst, and I began taking out my stress on him.

My brother thinks it's HIS fault, because whenever he told me to do something, and I didn't do it, he would get really angry. I also had a bad temper though. Our relationship is getting better though, and we're warming up to each other.

Who's at fault here?

ALSO, does Tourettes make it hard for one to understand social cues? Because that's what my flute teacher, who knows a lot about Tourettes (had it for all of her 40-something year life, attended numerous TS conferences, is leader of a TS group in my community) told me.

 

[Ithior]

Edit: I don't know if you're two brothers or a brother and sister but I wrote this as if it were brother-sister since that's my case, but I think it would still apply to a two brothers situation.

I have a twin sister and I have to say nothing of this sounds unusual (unless you're going really easy with the words). It's just a normal brother-sister relationship I guess. If you still live together it's normal to have these clashes every now and then.

When my sister and I were younger than 6, I'd follow her everywhere because I guess I was too scared to be away from her. As I grew older I started being in the opposite side, I felt embarrassed to be with her (even though she cared a lot for me; that was from like age 6 to 10 or 11 I think). Then I grew out of that phase as well and now we're just like friends, though in my case I might share more of my secrets with her than my friends.

We get mad at each other sometimes, but we eventually make up. We know the other one is there for us if we need it.

So I don't think neither of you is at fault. You have to learn what makes each of you 'tick' (mostly through trial and error I guess), but you also have to realise you're both human, and as such there will be days where one of you has a bad mood (or even both of you) and stuff like that, so you won't be able to avoid those fights. You can discuss why sometimes you act the way you do and whether or not you can work out those problems.

 

[¯\(º_o)/¯]

I'm not sure who is at fault. But if your relationship is getting better dont worry about who is at fault. Just focus on making it better, not what made it worse. What made it worse is done and over, you can't change it, but you can change the future. If you focus on the bad it will turn bad, if you focus on the good it will turn good.

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm not sure who is at fault. But if your relationship is getting better dont worry about who is at fault.

^ Basically this for me too. I don't really see how pinpointing the fault to someone is going to help any. You two are already mending your rift, which is good to hear.

My brother and I, for years, would argue constantly -- similar to what you described. The vast difference between him and I never helped us either, as we completely failed to understand one another, and actually still do. (He's ESTP and I am INTJ) Often he would call me names, tease me about my shyness and anxiety and even physical appearance, always point out my flaws or any mistakes I made. He was a **** to me, sometimes still is, but that's not to say I was/am perfect either. I could be just as bad, as I would often retort back with the same insults and sometimes would even insult him or annoy him just because, since he often did with me. We basically knew how to press each other's buttons. Although since he moved out about 4 months ago, we've been getting along a lot better. He is clearly someone I cannot be around 24/7. I know the last couple times he visited, I didn't mind him the first few days, but after that the same tension started coming back. I think our relationship will be mended eventually, we just need to stay away from each other a bit longer.

 

[jc972]

Sounds like normal brother type stuff. I would know, I have 4 brothers and I'm the oldest.