Low burning depression

[ronja]

I wonder if anyone on here has this same experience and can share their thoughts and feelings. I would apreciate it.

The experience of just having this long lasting depression for years and years.
For me, It doesnt ever become bad enough that people around me notice. Because Im able to function in everyday things like work etc. just enough to not make anyone suspect or ask if Im okay.

I titled this thread low burning depression, but I dont know what the right term for it is.

I feel,, that nothing has any point or value. Im not really interested in anything anymore. I get sad when I sit down and think about it, but Ive become so used to feeling this way, that I sort of just go on with the daily rumble like a robot.. and time just pass. While I become more and more isolated because I have absolutely no energy left to try and take part in anything social.

I feel like Im not even a human being anymore.

I often think that I will probably never be able to change this. And then I feel scared that I will have to live like this for all the rest of my years.. which feels like forever

I know I should talk to someone about it. Im just not able to.

 

[Megaten]

Could be Dysthymia

Feeling down? It could be low-level depression - Harvard Health

This is what the doctor said was going on with me. I usually generally feel crappy most of the time but its not so bad that I cant keep it well hidden. The only people that will pick up on it are those with good intuition or just have gotten close to me.

I find it interesting that you said you feel like youve gotten used to it Ronja. Thats one thing Ive realized over the years, once you get used to feeling crappy most of the time it actually hurts to feel good. Like theres something missing or just isnt right. Or I'll find myself saying "yeah this is great but_____" and find some way to spoil it. Thats another reason I keep it to myself because a lot of people really really hate that.

 

[Fey]

I've gone through periods of this and I read about dysthymia as well. After years of just feeling awful all the time, I went between feeling nothing and feeling everything too strongly, or just not knowing what to feel. Without depression it was like my mind/body didn't know what to fill that space with anymore.

There's a word for something related to this in a philosophical sense, Nihilism. The belief that there is no meaning in life, religion, or anything.

 

[SoScared]

mmm...wonder if i've got?

 

[ronja]

yes Kihira. its probably something like that. Ive read about that before but didnt remember the exact word. Thank you for mentioning it.

Megaten- used to feeling crabby. Yes, for me it is that ive learned to sort of block it out using some quite unhealthy techniques.. I probably drink to much and eats unhealthy stuff and then Im addicted to daydreaming... that might sound weird, but its true.. I make up stories in my mind all the time, when Im not occupied with work or something, so that I never have to think about myself and how I live my own life. Like running away from anything real.

Most of the time when I think about it I thin that it doesnt even matter because I dont care enough for myself to change it. And since noone around me ever notice that Im not okay, that means noone else cares enough either... Or it means that Im just to good at hiding.

Fey mentions Nihilism. And yes I can relate to that. I do believe there is no meaning to life.. to my life or any life in a bigger sense.. other then the fact that it is there, and life exist because it can. To a human life the only meaning is what ever you yourself put into it. I just am unable to put any meaning to it.

I feel too exhausted to try to change, because I know what it would take, even the thought of admiting it to someone seems as impossiblle for me to do, as climing Mount Everest would be.

 

[SpaceTime]

ronja, yes this sounds familiar to me. A malaise, but not suicidal. For me its like going to see a movie and half way through realizing its a terrible movie but I don't want to walk out because I'm with family and they seem to be enjoying it, so I stay in my seat. But I'm no longer engaged with the plot, I'm just waiting for the end credits, all the time secretly thinking 'come on, hurry up!'.

I think in my case its most likely the result of years of being repeatedly & severely let down; used, abused and ripped off by people interested only in their own gain at my expense. Because if that's always the outcome, then why bother?

 

[theslowesthand]

I wonder if this low-level depression or malaise is affected by not having any meaning for life :question:

 

[awkwardamanda]

Dysthymia was my first thought when I started reading too. I've often wondered if that's my problem. I've never really had a bad bought of depression. It's just kind of always been there, in a less-severe form. I was a miserable child. I've always been really irritable. I just feel kinda bummed out a lot. I lack motivation. At one point the anxiety crept on me though and I couldn't take it anymore. I went on an antidepressant for awhile and it helped enough. The low mood has slowly come back over time though. I felt better on the meds, I just don't think I'm at point where I need them again yet. It's worth considering. You don't have to be in a deep depression to go on something. (Although I waited until it reached the point of panic attacks - you do not want to let it get there.)

 

[apollo]

I know I should talk to someone about it. Im just not able to.[/QUOTE]

I'm kind of curious to know why you feel you're not able to talk to someone?