love of my life has APD. what do I do?

whattodo?

Member
Hi everyone, first time poster here. I'm going through a difficult time right now and need some advice.

My girlfriend and love of my life left me a few weeks ago. I've tried contacting her to no avail. I'm worried sick about her and don't know how best to proceed.

She is not diagnosed with APD. She has a myriad of diagnosed psychiatric problems -- depression, OCD, used to be suicidal and anorexic, etc. -- but her insurance lapsed several years ago (not long after we met), and she had to discontinue therapy. That being said, she has been behaving extremely erratic lately, both before and after the break up. Doing some research into her problems I randomly came across avoidant personality disorder. I am not exaggerating when I say she literally matches all the symptoms. I am virtually certain she has this.

She is starting a new job (perhaps today? like I said I haven't talked to her recently), but this job will not have health insurance. Also, it is a high stress job where she has little experience and will involve a lot of potential interpersonal conflict/communication; she will be the boss of a lot of people. Luckily, her previous experience with psychiatric problems led her to believe that therapy is extremely beneficial, so when she's healthy she is not opposed to getting it. However, I don't see her going out of her way at the moment to get health insurance since it's not provided by her employer and I'm worried she won't get help anytime soon, and it may get worse.

I am close with her family, and the only reasons she's given me AND them that she left were things associated with APD -- afraid she couldn't talk to me because of criticism (which wasn't true), afraid of trapping me in a life I didn't want and that I would resent her (not true at all). She never talked to me about any of this, and I was in the dark until the week she left. She only told me that "she just has to be alone right now" and "needs time to think". I understand what I did wrong, but I believe it is honestly minor compared to her psychiatric problems. I do have a touch of OCD, and I can be a bit critical at times, but I am never mean or pushy about it. Of course, this little bit almost certainly made things worse, and I'm so regretful that I was unaware of it.

The break up was very bizarre and erratic, and I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks. I've called her a few times, always with very light/supportive messages. I've never been angry. I've always said we can talk when you're ready -- I haven't made it about me or been pushy at all.

Also, her family is very "hands off" about things. They have mental illness in the family other than my ex. I have every reason to think that they won't even talk to my ex about the problem until she is at rock bottom, and back to her old depressed/anorexic/suicidal state like she was not long before we met.

What do I do? Should I not try to contact her anymore until she gets things sorted out (if she does)? Will continuing to contact her push her away? Does she need me even though she isn't returning calls? Should I continue to be supportive and occasionally email, call, whatever and just let her know I'm there? Should I go see her and talk to her (she is living with her parents right now... we lived together before that), but obviously not be pushy or critical, just listen -- assuming she even lets me talk to her?

I can give more details if necessary... there are a lot more, so I won't bring them up unless it's pertinent to the discussion.

I'm so confused right now, and I love her more than anything... ::(:
 

bleach

Banned
What do I do? Should I not try to contact her anymore until she gets things sorted out (if she does)? Will continuing to contact her push her away? Does she need me even though she isn't returning calls? Should I continue to be supportive and occasionally email, call, whatever and just let her know I'm there? Should I go see her and talk to her (she is living with her parents right now... we lived together before that), but obviously not be pushy or critical, just listen -- assuming she even lets me talk to her?

I think she needs help from somebody, so if you want to help her, then by all means continue to reach out. You have been going about it the right way so far, I think. Perhaps her life is so turbulent and stressful right now that she needs some solitude and time to arrange her thoughts, but after awhile she will want someone to talk to and I'm sure she will be grateful for your help.

One question though, does SHE believe she has AvPD? It's possible that she is still in denial, or she doesn't realize that anything is wrong yet. If she is ignorant to the disorder, is there some way you could give her some info about it, in a non-judgmental way--so that she can consider for herself if the diagnosis fits, and what to do about it?
 

Jay Cataldo

Well-known member
This is a tough situation. The most important thing you can do is make sure she gets some sort of professional help, especially if she’s been diagnosed as mentally ill. Discontinuation of therapy could lead to serious consequences. Since she doesn’t have insurance, maybe you could attempt to convince her family to foot the bill.

But please consider that she just dumped you, so she will want her space, at least for the time being. She can turn to her other friends for support, but she will most likely feel uncomfortable turning to you, since she is trying to end the relationship. Pushing her to open up to you will just annoy her.

I am close with her family, and the only reasons she's given me AND them that she left were things associated with APD -- afraid she couldn't talk to me because of criticism (which wasn't true), afraid of trapping me in a life I didn't want and that I would resent her (not true at all). She never talked to me about any of this, and I was in the dark until the week she left. She only told me that "she just has to be alone right now" and "needs time to think".

Here’s the thing… people lie when explaining their reasons for ending relationships so don’t put too much stock in what she says. I have authored a book on breakups and breakup strategies so I am very knowledge in this area. I can also tell you that you need to be clear on your intentions. Are you trying to win her back or do you want to help her right now? You can’t do both. If you make yourself available to talk and constantly call to check up on her, you will be hurting your chances of getting back together. So if you want her back, you need to give her space and disappear for a while. If you want to help her, I would talk to her family and friends and try to get her back into therapy and then keep in contact with a weekly text message to feel her out.

Again, it’s a tough choice, but you have to be clear on what you want. It’s unfortunate that acting like a buddy after being dumped doesn’t help to rebuild the attraction you’ve lost.

Hope this helped.
 
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whattodo?

Member
One question though, does SHE believe she has AvPD? It's possible that she is still in denial, or she doesn't realize that anything is wrong yet. If she is ignorant to the disorder, is there some way you could give her some info about it, in a non-judgmental way--so that she can consider for herself if the diagnosis fits, and what to do about it?

I don't think there is any way she believes she has AvPD. I only recently, and very randomly (from a completely unrelated forum), came across the term, and it's name made me go hmm.... (given her personality traits, tendency to avoid a lot of problems, etc.) Sure enough, she matches all the symptoms. She definitely knows she has problems, but I don't think she really understands what they are fully, other than the previous things she was diagnosed with. At this point, given that she is not communicating with me, I don't think she would be receptive to me giving her info on a psychiatric condition that I think she has. I think it would only push her away further. My current "strategy" is to hopefully slowly reinitiate contact somehow and when she starts to open up a bit, bring it up. My fear is that if she really has this disorder, she will never be able to come to me no matter how much she wants to. I'm hoping all the stress in her life right now is making it worse, and when she gets stable or settled into her new job she will get better, rather than continue a downward spiral to how she was before we met.
 

whattodo?

Member
This is a tough situation. The most important thing you can do is make sure she gets some sort of professional help, especially if she’s been diagnosed as mentally ill. Discontinuation of therapy could lead to serious consequences. Since she doesn’t have insurance, maybe you could attempt to convince her family to foot the bill.

I don't think there's any way right now I can make sure she gets help ::(:. She hasn't returned the handful of calls that I've made to her, and I haven't been pushy in any way (they were all along the lines of wishing her well on a test, talk to me when you're ready to talk, etc. -- no begging/pleading for her to come back or crying or anything like that). I don't think I could convince her family she has this, and even if I could I'm quite sure their response would be "well, it's up to her to get help, we can't force her". I know her family quite well and they have a history of psychological problems, and with the way they handle things I really don't see them being proactive with this until she is very sick -- as in to the point of being so obviously depressed as to be suicidal. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but their strategy for just about anything bad or unpleasant seems to me to be to ignore the problem until it either goes away or is about to blow up in their face and they have to handle it. The ex is the same with a lot of things.

But please consider that she just dumped you, so she will want her space, at least for the time being. She can turn to her other friends for support, but she will most likely feel uncomfortable turning to you, since she is trying to end the relationship. Pushing her to open up to you will just annoy her.

I know what you're saying, but her only real friends I think she can talk to about this are her online friends she knows through a video game she plays. Everyone's opinion on the matter is that she's using this game to escape reality, so I don't even think she's really talking about these kind of problems with the online friends anyway. Her sister and I were always her best friends, and she's rarely speaking with her sister these days, and when she does it's not about her problems. Her sister is even angry with her for not talking and hanging out with her, and it makes me feel even stronger than I'm the only one close to her that understands what she's going through (even if it's just a little bit). Also, pushing her to do anything right now is the last thing that I'm going to do.

Here’s the thing… people lie when explaining their reasons for ending relationships so don’t put too much stock in what she says. I have authored a book on breakups and breakup strategies so I am very knowledge in this area. I can also tell you that you need to be clear on your intentions. Are you trying to win her back or do you want to help her right now? You can’t do both. If you make yourself available to talk and constantly call to check up on her, you will be hurting your chances of getting back together. So if you want her back, you need to give her space and disappear for a while. If you want to help her, I would talk to her family and friends and try to get her back into therapy and then keep in contact with a weekly text message to feel her out.

I have no doubt that she wasn't telling me the whole truth about the break up. But at the same time, this is the stuff she was telling her brother and sister that we were having problems about, so she wasn't just telling these things to me to not hurt me or to make the break up easier.

Just to be clear on my intentions, my absolute first priority is that I want her to be happy, and if she's as sick as I think she is (like I said, there's a lot to the full story, I could write pages and pages on what's gone on), I think she would be happy if she got professional help and worked on the problem. But, there is also no doubt that I want her back. Believe me when I tell you that I made her so incredibly happy for most of our relationship, and she always told me that I was a big part of the reason she got through her last depression. She was only clearly unhappy (and I was miserable too because of how she was acting) during the time when she discontinued her medication, unbeknownst to me, for 3 months or so. During this time she was also hooked on that game I mentioned in the last post, and was playing constantly. We hardly interacted except through the game (I played at the time), even though we lived together. When she got back on her medicine and we quit living in that fantasy world, it was like we were first dating again.

I have a lot of reasons to believe the break up was not due to a lost attraction. I've read extensively about relationship problems due to AvPD and low-self esteem (she clearly has the latter too, and that one is diagnosed), and our problems in the relationship were textbook. The circumstances surrounding the break up were identical to the things I read about on the psychological journals and websites. When we did interact and she wasn't studying or on the game, she still seemed very happy with us and still talked about our future constantly (how much she wasn't to spend her life with me, children, etc.), in the same way she had been for years. Everything in the relationship seemed fine (her time on the game didn't worry me, because I knew she used it to unwind from studying for her huge test that was coming up, and she seemed fine when she wasn't on it), and she just snapped one day. I could go into what happened if necessary, but I'm more focused on how to reconnect with her if she has this disorder right now.

Basically, right now, I don't believe that constantly calling her to check up on her will even do anything since she's not even answering her phone. I was hoping that I could find some way to first, get her help (and I'm still at a loss on how to do this), and second, bring her back to me. I sort of think that the only way to make sure she gets help is to have her realize she wants to come back to me, then we can talk counseling (during our crazy 4 day long break up, she mentioned she wanted/needed counseling and I agreed to go with her). But this seems like such a far off goal since I think one of the big problems for people with AvPD is the avoidance of interpersonal relationships, and she is certainly pushing me away right now, or at least avoiding the "hard talk" she thinks she's going to have to have, even though I'm not going to be pushy at all.

My current plan is to wait some time and hope that she'll reinitiate contact, since I've already made it clear that I'm here for her when she's ready to talk. I don't know how long I should wait though, and how to find out if she's getting better or worse (like I said she's not even really talking to her family that I'm close friends with). You mentioned you were very knowledgable about break ups. I have every reason to believe that she still loves me terribly, based on things she's said to me and her family, as well as her actions before, during, and even after the break up, and that if she does indeed have this disorder that it is what drove a wedge between us (that I was unaware of until it blew up in my face). Like I said, I've left out 95%+ of the little details of how this all went down because I was trying to get to how to deal with the personality disorder. But I really believe the break up was not due to lost romantic attraction... if it was this would be a lot simpler. Given this (not saying it's definitely true, but it is my honest opinion of it, as well as all my friends who I've explained her actions to), how long would you expect it to take her to reinitiate contact? It has been 3 weeks, but she just got through a terribly stressful and unstable period of time a few days ago, and now she's starting a new job which I think will likely be incredibly stressful (especially if she does indeed have AvPD).

I don't know... what should my general plan be here? If you need more details I can certainly provide them.
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
It's all starting to sound abit obsessive, it sounds very smothering, I know this can often be the case after a breakup, been there myself :/ . I'd just move on, you are going to get hurt otherwise, it's over and it's no use blaming mental health issues, the love has faded unfortunatly. It's not your problem anymore
 
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whattodo?

Member
It's all starting to sound abit obsessive, it sounds very smothering, I know this can often be the case after a breakup, been there myself :/ . I'd just move on, you are going to get hurt otherwise, it's over and it's no use blaming mental health issues, the love has faded unfortunatly. It's not your problem anymore

Oh, I haven't been smothering at all to her, trust me on that. I'm definitely obsessed over it right now though because I don't really understand what's going on fully. Why are you so sure it has nothing to do with mental health issues and it's just lost love? I haven't really provided any details on how this all went down, but believe me when I say the details match up perfectly with the relationship problems associated with her diagnosed problems (and the undiagnosed one I think she has -- AvPD).

Even if she doesn't want to be with me, I don't see her being happy with herself or in any relationship until she gets therapy, and I want her to be happy more than anything.
 

Jay Cataldo

Well-known member
Sorry man, but you are in major denial. Remus is 100% right... you are becoming obsessed which is totally normal after being dumped. Not to mention that your girl has serious mental problems that you can't do anything about which is going to make you even more crazy and obsessive.

You need to let go and move on since she doesn't seem like she wants to help herself. And honestly, what quality of life do you think you will have staying with someone with all those issues and problems? You need to find a new girl who is not on meds which will hopefully give you some perspective. And pining after someone who obviously has serious self-esteem issues is a reflection of your own lack of self-esteem. Until you start working on yourself, you will find it difficult to attract a quality girl into your life.

And I'd rather you don't go this route, but in this type of situation, your best bet for getting her to reinitialize contact is to date another girl and have it get back to her somehow. You've lost all your power and attractiveness in this relationship (she may still love you but love has nothing to do with attraction) and the only way you are going to get it back is to either disappear for at least 3 months or add some jeaolusy into the mix.

I highly recommend that you forget about her and move on, but we both know you're not going to, so be prepared to deal with a ton of emotional pain.
 

whattodo?

Member
Well, I have rarely ever had issues with low self-esteem. Of course with the stuff that's been going on recently, I have definitely been feeling down about myself. I'm obsessing over her not because I think that I can't find anyone new (I've already had several girls express interest now that I'm single), it's that I honest to God love her so much, and believe she's the love of my life. She said the same thing to me during the week of our break up -- she came back one day and things seemed fine, then she freaked out again later. As I said the break up, and her behavior since then, is beyond bizarre. None of my friends, many with M.D.'s and psych backgrounds, understand what's going on, and neither does anyone in her family.

This is what's making things so confusing and hard on me. If not for the erratic behavior, I would have been over this (relatively speaking) at least a week ago.

And as to the "she doesn't seem like she wants to help herself" comment, she straight up said that she needed counseling and therapy, and wanted me to come too. I agreed to it. Then before we had a chance to even set anything up, she freaked and went back to the crazy behavior. And the crazy behavior has definitely continued since the break up, so it wasn't all to do with the relationship and stress from the break up.

I don't deny that she's not in love with me anymore. I came here to understand the psychology of her illness better, so I could figure out of there was any way to help her. And if the lost love is due to irrational beliefs about us on her part (there is plenty of evidence to think this is the case, both from things she's done and said), if I should expect her to come around when the stress is removed and she's thinking clearly. Or not, I don't know. But it's not denial, I just have a really strong desire to understand the situation and what she's thinking.
 

jackinwa

Active member
I'd love to help. Here is what I can give.

Sometimes if I get stressed, I just avoid people. When things go wrong... I just "open the barn door and let the horse run away," I guess I avoid them by staying home and I don't care. Or, rather... I avoid a select few that has upset me. I just don't want them in my life.

Some of the people don't go to that extreme, but there are others that do. Since some of the people are at work whom I'd rather not see again, I guess there is nothing I can do except to put in the hours at my job with the people i dislike around me... and just ignore what I can or do what I ought to do to be the person at work my employer wants me to be... Ugh.

So, who is the girlfriend you care about, how does she feel about you? I don't know, I would hope that you haven't said something to upset her, sometimes that is all that takes...

I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is a bit more than just Social Anxiety, maybe that information helps, too... Or I have more than Asperger's... maybe.

-Jack in WA
 

whattodo?

Member
Thanks for the reply jackinwa. I haven't checked back in the forum for quite some time -- I thought the thread had died.

To answer your questions, she is definitely the type to avoid people or just about anything else when she is stressed. She never avoided me until now. I still haven't spoken with her by the way, but her family has spoken to me about her without me bringing her up in conversation. She is definitely depressed.

I don't know how the ex feels about me to be honest. She did tell her sister recently that she misses me, but she still hasn't contacted me. Also told her brother, without any prompting whatsoever, a week after the break up that she loves me "so much". She was emotional and tearing up or crying when she said this. I have not made any further attempts to contact her, mainly because I don't see the point at this time. I definitely didn't do anything recently to upset her. However, at times she takes nearly anything that can possibly be construed in a negative way as a criticism against her -- a personal attack. This behavior was only slightly present throughout the relationship and very sporadic, but it seemed to be more common in the weeks leading up to the breakup. The thing is, she doesn't do this just with me -- back in the day before we met, she acknowledged that she would do the same thing with her own family. Anything they said to her she felt was a criticism, but then she got on medication/therapy and things got better with her. So, she knows the thoughts are irrational, but she still can't control those feelings. She's had a lot of relationship problems in her past, and I think the recent stress and lack of therapy brought some of her old low self-esteem and issues with criticism back.

Back to how she feels about me... as I said I don't know. Others in the thread seem positive that it's a lost attraction, but then again I haven't revealed 95%+ of her actions or words in this thread so I don't know how they came to that conclusion. I'll put it this way -- if she indeed just flat out fell out of love, then it was like she just flipped a switch one day and turned off her feelings. Or she has been lying to me for months, lying to her sister about what our true problems were, and she is the greatest actress on the planet. There probably are SOME lost feelings there, as well as some mixed/confused feelings (according to her own family, not just myself... being in denial or whatever), but I really don't think it's that simple. My friends with psych backgrounds all agree.

Her family has made it clear to me that she misses me, and I think she wants to talk to me, but I really don't know why she won't. I have some ideas, but it's all just speculation really.
 
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Remus

Moderator
Staff member
Others in the thread seem positive that it's a lost attraction, but then again I haven't revealed 95%+ of her actions or words in this thread so I don't know how they came to that conclusion. I'll put it this way -- if she indeed just flat out fall out of love, then it was like she just flipped a switch one day and turned off her feelings.

Well we can only reach conclusions off going off what you said, I've had quite a few relationships, two of these long term, (one of these with a person with "issues"), so I'm not taking some stab in the dark, I'm talking from experience. If everything was fine you wouldnt be here asking all these questions and looking for people to agree with you.
My friends with psych backgrounds all agree.
Why need our opinions in that case?

You seem to write mostly about how you think her decision was wrong and how she confesses that she made a mistake, it seems like you have turned everything around to be "all about you", maybe your "psyche background" freinds have suggested certain paths to take, what have they advised so far?
 
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whattodo?

Member
Well we can only reach conclusions off going off what you said, I've had quite a few relationships, two of these long term, (one of these with a person with "issues"), so I'm not taking some stab in the dark, I'm talking from experience. If everything was fine you wouldnt be here asking all these questions and looking for people to agree with you.

Hmm, I'm not clear on why you think that I think "everything is fine". The opposite is clearly true. I also don't understand what gives you the impression that I'm looking for people to agree with me. I guess I'm just skeptical of broad generalizations about relationships when I've given a minimum of details, especially generalizations that seem to disregard the person's psychology. I think I said before I didn't come here with the intent to break down and analyze the relationship (I would have gone to a relationship forum for that) -- I came here to understand how people with this or similar disorders think when it comes to relationships and relationship problems, and how I should handle things to see if I can get her help and don't mess anything up further.

Why need our opinions in that case?

Because the only thing they "agree" on is that it's a very complicated situation? That there's not a simple, single answer? That doesn't give me a ton of insight into what she's thinking or going through.

You seem to write mostly about how you think her decision was wrong and how she confesses that she made a mistake, it seems like you have turned everything around to be "all about you", maybe your "psyche background" freinds have suggested certain paths to take, what have they advised so far?

I don't recall ever writing that her decision was wrong. She's already confessed she's made a mistake and that she's "****** up", but that doesn't get me anywhere either. I also have no clue how I've turned everything around to be all about me, but maybe I'm just not understanding anything you're writing. Could you point me to something I wrote that indicates that? The only part about "me" I'm worried about right now is what mistakes I made, and if and how I can fix things -- neither she, nor her family (whom she has spoken with) has said I did anything wrong... at least nothing major to the extent which would cause this. So yeah, I'm pretty clueless aside from my speculation.

As far as my "psych background" friends go, and I would say only one of them is an expert in the field, they've pretty much said that they don't know since she hasn't talked. Most think no contact is fine. Some other friends have suggested a letter just so she understands some things that I never got a chance to tell her -- I brought this up to the psych resident and psychologist and they seem to think this is fine too. So yeah, I dunno. Sorry if I offended you. I just think all relationship problems are different and this one seems to be far more different than most.
 

dottie

Well-known member
maybe she really wants to break up with you. ???

anyway if you want to help her maybe you can help her get health insurance and counseling. if she is avpd going through the process of finding and signing up for health insurance is something she might be avoiding. i avoid lots of responsibilities i know i shouldn't. i know that is not what avpd is, but i avoid responsibilities just because i want to avoid dealing with people- on the phone, in person, whatever. it becomes something put on the backburner.
 

jackinwa

Active member
maybe she really wants to break up with you. ???

No no no. I fully and respectfully disagree. She says she misses you, whattodo, so I fully believe that she still wants to be with you... unless her family members are speaking for her or putting words in her mouth.

She might have stresses that she cannot feel that she can bring them upon you, she might have stresses that she feels you might not understand. I have issues I still need to work out, maybe I was abused sexually in some way. I don't think it was after third grade. But I don't know.

Why I am saying this is because maybe some facet of my personality makes me unsociable because I was abused. All I remember is some images, which have, apparently happened to my sister, too. She could be gaming me to be angry at my abuser, to have a reason, I'm not sure. All I have is these things that my sister seemed to validate that happened to her, too.

In all due time, I will have answers.

But answers for you might be something like this; maybe she doesn't know how much you care for her, how you talk about her or how her family members see you two together. All I'm thinking is that she might need a nudge. Just swing by her parents house (if she lives with her parents) and spend time with her parents and hopefully that will facilitate action, in terms of her leaving her "comfortable space" of talking to the "outside world."

Does that make sense?

-Jack in WA
 

whattodo?

Member
Thank you so much for that jackinwa. I don't think I mentioned this, but she was sexually abused multiple times... at least twice, maybe more. Once when she was very young by a relative or babysitter. Another time with her first boyfriend when she was 14 or 15. He used to beat her whenever she disagreed and upset him, and would climb in her bedroom window at night and rape her. Her last boyfriend before me would verbally abuse her.

I think you may be right that she doesn't really know how much I care about her. I mean, she certainly knows on some level, but I think people with her kind of past always question things like that. I'm probably going to reach out to her one more time, I just have to be careful how I do it.

Thanks again.


Also, dottie, I would love to help her get health insurance and counseling, but the lack of communication is making that pretty much impossible right now. Believe me that if we ever start talking again that will be one of my first priorities.
 

jackinwa

Active member
Thank you so much for that jackinwa.

Everything that goes around, whattodo... well, you probably know how the saying goes. Not to seem sappy at all, that's just the nature of the Universe. We're all common, if distant and given that, we all must understand that what we do to one, we do to ourselves.

I don't know if we'll ever get that logic. I also don't know if that means we cannot heal by separating ourselves the people that plague the dysfunctional among us. Is there too much of us that are dysfunctional to separate from those who prey and plague the helpless among us? Would it be it like exchanging two pennies made last year? We each still have pennies that were made last year?

Balance for Mankind ought to be found in easier ways than this. Hopefully it will come.

-Jack in WA
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I don't think I mentioned this, but she was sexually abused multiple times... at least twice, maybe more. Once when she was very young by a relative or babysitter. Another time with her first boyfriend when she was 14 or 15. He used to beat her whenever she disagreed and upset him, and would climb in her bedroom window at night and rape her. Her last boyfriend before me would verbally abuse her.

Well this is puts a totally different slant on everything, you doing the armchair diagnosis of APD is incorrect, you should have made this clear in the first place. I guessed something else was up so thats why I probed. Abuse issues are a whole different can of worms, I am an abuse survivor myself, maybe best join an abuse site like :
The Lighthouse Sanctuary
ask these questions there, I know myself that I have serious problems having relationships and anyone who gets involved has to be very understanding.

here is an example: I'm kissing my GF and then some horrendous image from the past pops in my head, its like I'm kissing "him" as the distraction is so great. Icant feel close for a few days, I dont want any kind of affection (it makes my skin crawl)

put yourself in her shoes now, if its not meant to be then its not meant to be, maybe she cant cope with a relationship, I'd give her space and read up on this, sounds like she needs to see a councellor when she's ready, its a big undertaking and very very very hard, you have to be ready and no one should ever push you into it.
 

whattodo?

Member
Thanks Remus. I apologize for not mentioning that from the beginning. There was just so much potential information I could include, and I felt her actual diagnoses, as well as the additional one I really thought she had, were more relevant than her past.

I think I never realized how much this could affect someone, even years later, because everything seemed so normal for the 4+ years we were together. But there's been many many things in her life that made her extremely stressed recently, and she has never handled stress well, so I'm guessing that triggered some things.
 
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