cocorose
Well-known member
Well this is my first post here. I will try to keep it as short as possible and try not to confuse anyone..
I am 'T', and I will be 33 years old this week (wow! I feel old). I am not sure where to start other than this 'thing' has completely ruined my life. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure it's the cause of my problems and why my life is so messed up. I feel like my life is just so screwed up there's no way to ever fix it.
I was always shy, but I think it really got bad when I started high school. I was extremely quiet, and didn't really do anything 'normal' teenagers did. I didn't date, I didn't have any friends, and I didn't do any kind of extracurricular activities. I was just 'there'. When I look back, I am very embarrassed that I was this severely shy. It's like a deep dark secret that I pretend never happened. When people ask me what I was like in high school, I cringe. This is supposed to be a fun time in your life when you develop into who you want to be, and I never did that. I never knew what I wanted to do. I was never pushed to go to college by my parents. So I just didn't care. I didn't think about what I wanted or was going to do with my life.
I finished 2 years of high school, and my parents got divorced and we moved to another state. I didn't want to move at first, and when we got there I guess it got worse, and I basically hid in the house for probably the first year. I didn't finish high school after I moved, but I eventually got my GED.
I eventually got a job at a hotel cleaning rooms and stayed there for a few years. I worked at many different jobs, and many of them I ended up just walking out because I couldn't handle having to deal with people or the public. When I was about to turn 22 I had my daughter. The 'father' is not and never has been in the picture.
4 months after having my daughter I got a job cleaning houses for a company, and eventually went off on my own and I did pretty well for probably about 6 or 7 years. I stayed busy and was making pretty good money. I was able to get an apartment for me and my daughter. If anything that is one thing I am proud of. I worked hard and even started taking classes at a community college, but since I was working full time I was only able to take a few classes per semester, and I did that for 2 years but it just got to be too much, and I still didn't know what I wanted to do.
Eventually I moved out of state to live with a family member because I was just tired of cleaning, and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired and it was hard work, and I didn't want to end up doing that for the rest of my life. Well to make a long story short, that didn't work out and I ended up moving back.. that was about 3 years ago and I still haven't been able to get on my feet since then. I tried to start the cleaning thing up again but with no luck. I did end up attending school for a massage therapy license. I graduated last August, but because of a stupid mistake I made I still do not have my license yet. I will have to wait until May and hopefully if everything works out I can start doing that, but I am afraid my anxiety will ruin this too.
My problem is, my problems started in high school, and all through my twenties I never really 'lived', because I was so scared.. I used alcohol alot to deal with my problems.. I don't have any experiences that people are supposed to have.. so now when I try to do something about it, because I realize I just don't want to live like this anymore, it's too late because I was never 'normal'.. when I try to talk to people I don't know what to say because I am so ashamed and embarrased about my life. All of my relationships have been ruined because of this.. I could never hold down a job and now I can't even find any job. I drink to help the anxiety but that just causes more problems. I have tried so many different medications but nothing ever helped, and that just got me into trouble, so I just stopped taking anything. (I should add I also suffer from probably severe depression that comes and goes.) I have tried talking to a therapist but I didn't really feel like it helped, and even one that specialized in social anxiety, I even felt like he didn't understand me and was looking at me like I was crazy. It was just very uncomfortable.
I really don't know what to do, I feel like a part of me has been dead this whole time, but I do have some hope left, and I want to move foward but it feels like every year a pile of dirt gets thrown on top of me, and I'm afraid that pretty soon I'm not going to be able to get up at all. Does anyone else have it this bad, or am I just completely screwed? I feel like my life is one big mess and it's too bad to ever fix.
I am 'T', and I will be 33 years old this week (wow! I feel old). I am not sure where to start other than this 'thing' has completely ruined my life. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure it's the cause of my problems and why my life is so messed up. I feel like my life is just so screwed up there's no way to ever fix it.
I was always shy, but I think it really got bad when I started high school. I was extremely quiet, and didn't really do anything 'normal' teenagers did. I didn't date, I didn't have any friends, and I didn't do any kind of extracurricular activities. I was just 'there'. When I look back, I am very embarrassed that I was this severely shy. It's like a deep dark secret that I pretend never happened. When people ask me what I was like in high school, I cringe. This is supposed to be a fun time in your life when you develop into who you want to be, and I never did that. I never knew what I wanted to do. I was never pushed to go to college by my parents. So I just didn't care. I didn't think about what I wanted or was going to do with my life.
I finished 2 years of high school, and my parents got divorced and we moved to another state. I didn't want to move at first, and when we got there I guess it got worse, and I basically hid in the house for probably the first year. I didn't finish high school after I moved, but I eventually got my GED.
I eventually got a job at a hotel cleaning rooms and stayed there for a few years. I worked at many different jobs, and many of them I ended up just walking out because I couldn't handle having to deal with people or the public. When I was about to turn 22 I had my daughter. The 'father' is not and never has been in the picture.
4 months after having my daughter I got a job cleaning houses for a company, and eventually went off on my own and I did pretty well for probably about 6 or 7 years. I stayed busy and was making pretty good money. I was able to get an apartment for me and my daughter. If anything that is one thing I am proud of. I worked hard and even started taking classes at a community college, but since I was working full time I was only able to take a few classes per semester, and I did that for 2 years but it just got to be too much, and I still didn't know what I wanted to do.
Eventually I moved out of state to live with a family member because I was just tired of cleaning, and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired and it was hard work, and I didn't want to end up doing that for the rest of my life. Well to make a long story short, that didn't work out and I ended up moving back.. that was about 3 years ago and I still haven't been able to get on my feet since then. I tried to start the cleaning thing up again but with no luck. I did end up attending school for a massage therapy license. I graduated last August, but because of a stupid mistake I made I still do not have my license yet. I will have to wait until May and hopefully if everything works out I can start doing that, but I am afraid my anxiety will ruin this too.
My problem is, my problems started in high school, and all through my twenties I never really 'lived', because I was so scared.. I used alcohol alot to deal with my problems.. I don't have any experiences that people are supposed to have.. so now when I try to do something about it, because I realize I just don't want to live like this anymore, it's too late because I was never 'normal'.. when I try to talk to people I don't know what to say because I am so ashamed and embarrased about my life. All of my relationships have been ruined because of this.. I could never hold down a job and now I can't even find any job. I drink to help the anxiety but that just causes more problems. I have tried so many different medications but nothing ever helped, and that just got me into trouble, so I just stopped taking anything. (I should add I also suffer from probably severe depression that comes and goes.) I have tried talking to a therapist but I didn't really feel like it helped, and even one that specialized in social anxiety, I even felt like he didn't understand me and was looking at me like I was crazy. It was just very uncomfortable.
I really don't know what to do, I feel like a part of me has been dead this whole time, but I do have some hope left, and I want to move foward but it feels like every year a pile of dirt gets thrown on top of me, and I'm afraid that pretty soon I'm not going to be able to get up at all. Does anyone else have it this bad, or am I just completely screwed? I feel like my life is one big mess and it's too bad to ever fix.
