Lonely yet i don't really want friends

[recluse]

How come i feel lonely yet i find people on the whole tiring, i have very little desire to form friendships...I feel as if it's too much of an effort to make and maintain friendships...Yet i have this feeling of loneliness :?:

 

[Kien]

I feel a little the same. Having a 1 or 2 close friends over msn from this place feels almost enough. The bad thing is when you must be around other people like at school where people have friends and all but you don't know what to do when it's no lesson atm. I just wish to be able to live alone and have a decent job that I fit for. That's all I ask for in life, and can hope of. A happy life, a life with friends and good times is out of my view.

 

[typewriterx]

No kidding. I would love more friends, but it's just so much work for me. Eh.

 

[Argamemnon]

Two things

1) you are probably a highly sensitive person and get easily overstimulated and overwhelmed, which is why you often "have to" avoid social situations.

2) years of social isolation has changed your brain chemistry so it gets more and more difficult as time passes.

 

[recluse]

Throughout my life really i have had little desire to be around other people, this is making me depressed because i do not want to be alone for the rest of my life

 

[NightTimeForever]

I think there is a chemical in the brain that somewhat controls your desire to be social. What was it depecode, or something? Anyway, while isolation can change your brain chemistry, there are medicines to jumpstart that need to be social.

 

[LucidPanda]

Throughout my life really i have had little desire to be around other people, this is making me depressed because i do not want to be alone for the rest of my life

Surely that's a contradiction in beliefs?

Do you actually want relationships, minus the difficulty of maintaining them?

 

[Waybuloo]

Two things

1) you are probably a highly sensitive person and get easily overstimulated and overwhelmed, which is why you often "have to" avoid social situations.

2) years of social isolation has changed your brain chemistry so it gets more and more difficult as time passes.

What's this about brain chemistry changing due to years of isolation? Does that mean if you've been like this for years doing CBT would be futile? Do you have any articles to back it up?

 

[LucidPanda]

Two things

1) you are probably a highly sensitive person and get easily overstimulated and overwhelmed, which is why you often "have to" avoid social situations.

2) years of social isolation has changed your brain chemistry so it gets more and more difficult as time passes.

What's this about brain chemistry changing due to years of isolation? Does that mean if you've been like this for years doing CBT would be futile? Do you have any articles to back it up?

It sort of makes sense in a psuedo science way. But source would definitely be nice.

We unleash hormones when we are enjoying ourselves. When we get into a rut, it'll probably have the same effect.

The thing is our brain and personality is fluid. We always have the ability to shape it with effort.

 

[lettypagb]

jesus ,so if we try taking conversations we can get throught this?

 

[LucidPanda]

jesus ,so if we try taking conversations we can get throught this?

I'm gonna assume that was directed towards my comment about effort.

No. Conversations aren't going to solve the problem. It's an internal thing rather than an external thing.

 

[Brokenx]

i feel the same

 

[Dave_McFadden]

You're probably focusing on the "negatives" of having friends. Like, having to buy them gifts, for example. Even if you don't actually buy your friends presents. You get my point. The obligations that we take on when we decide we want to have a relationship with someone. If they want to go to out to eat when your favorite movie is on TV that afternoon and none of your friends like it. Or, if you end up in the position where you're revealing things about yourself that you're uncomfortable with, even around your friends it's hard to tell them.

2) years of social isolation has changed your brain chemistry so it gets more and more difficult as time passes.

I don't know about the chemistry of the brain, but if you go long periods of time without having friends, your brain starts to come up with explanantions and rationalizations. So it "makes sense" or even "seems natural" to be alone. Making an effort to surround yourself with people just won't "feel right".

 

[Slothrop]

I don't know about the chemistry of the brain, but if you go long periods of time without having friends, your brain starts to come up with explanantions and rationalizations. So it "makes sense" or even "seems natural" to be alone. Making an effort to surround yourself with people just won't "feel right".

I second that interpretation. I think it's wise to always assume psychology first, not physiology.

If you really didn't want the social contact, you wouldn't be experiencing loneliness. What you really want is friendship without the discomfort that you think comes with that. The thing is: that discomfort, as real as it is now, does go away with exposure and practice. It's a function of your anxiety, not an inherent property of friendships. After a hundred thousand years of mankind, I think the verdict is in: being social is worth it.

So, then the place you'll want to get to is one where the discomfort you face in trying to make friends is more tolerable than the discomfort of loneliness. This usually means a short uphill battle until you learn to recognize your own successes, but it's all downhill from there.

This is what "normal" is. Not an absence of anxiety, but an acceptance and tolerance of it that makes it preferable to retreating from it. Just enough that you can keep moving forward. It's not always easy, but it gets easier.



(By the way, I don't think chalking it up to brain chemistry is being fair to yourself, either. Drug companies have pushed a very simplified and somewhat contentious interpretation of the causes of depression and anxiety disorders. The truth is that the idea of a "chemical imbalance" is still a vague and incomplete hypothesis that's difficult to draw conclusions from. We know that various drugs are more or less effective in treating these problems, but we know very little about the actual causes of the problems, or to what degree observed chemical changes are the cause or the effect of improved psychological state.

I mention this mostly to counter the idea that CBT is somehow futile in such circumstances. I know of no studies concluding this and I personally don't believe it, for the very simple reason that I've made my own greatest strides while not on medication.)

 

[strawberrybrunette]

I guess i am a bit like this, too. I like having friends (and i do have a couple), but also i like space - lots of space. I need a lot of space, time by myself etc. Fortunately my friends are understanding and mature enough that if i say "i'm not in the mood to talk today" or "i just want to be by myself", they don't get offended, and just leave me be. However, not everyone appreciates that, which is why i don't have many friends. But i don't really mind that either - i don't get when people have, like, twenty friends or something - doesn't it get really complicated? Like i said, i like being by myself, and i'm a natural studious person. Even if i didn't have social anxiety, i wouldn't want to be socialising constantly.

 

[Zarrix]

If you didnt want to have friends, then you wouldnt be feeling lonely but rather content. Its not the fact you dont want friends, its the fact you feel more relaxed by yourself than with other people. Like going into a dark cave with a stack of gold at the end. You want the gold, but can you handle the nerves on the way there to get your reward?

 

[VioletTears]

Wow, I'm just seeing this now but this is a great thread. I feel like this, too. I'm often lonely and I feel like nobody understands me... It would be good to have a friend who is "like me" who I could talk to about anything and actually be understood.

Things that stand in my way...
-I don't ever meet people who I think seem anything like me...
-I don't initiate friendships because I'm affraid that people won't like me.
-I have a really hard time connecting with people, and even when I HAVE made friends in the past I always had a wall up and wouldn't talk to them about things that are deep.
-I'm affraid people will reject me when/if they learn what I'm really like.
-I hate doing things... Like if people wan't to get together and go bowling or play video games or whatever I NEVER want to do it because I feel like I suck at everything and it's too embarassing.
-I rarely have the energy to want to do things... Mostly I just sit around home and don't WANT to go out.
-Often I don't even have the energy to want to talk to people, I just disapear into my own little world.

Oddly enough I AM married though, but I guess that just proves my point... Even though my DH is essentially my friend I rarely really open up to him. For example, he had no clue that I was suicidal when I overdosed in July, and I wouldn't have told him, either (people online did)... I'm just affraid that I'll wear him thin or he'll get sick of me or something... I don't even know why exactly, but talking about my emotions causes me a ton of anxiety.

 

[ben12]

Two things

1) you are probably a highly sensitive person and get easily overstimulated and overwhelmed, which is why you often "have to" avoid social situations.

2) years of social isolation has changed your brain chemistry so it gets more and more difficult as time passes.

What's this about brain chemistry changing due to years of isolation? Does that mean if you've been like this for years doing CBT would be futile? Do you have any articles to back it up?

doing CBT challenges the way you think and changes it for the better, it kind of rehabillitates you, and slowly shows you that you can fit back in to
society so to speak. well thats what it did for me!