living it alone

[doesit]

OK recently ive been a bit over the top on this site whenever i came id abuse people with their problems or make harsh comments in general im on anxiety meds and as they tend to work but side effects are aggressiveness,or should i say no fear of showing my true self,the bad side.

But i created this topic not about this,but about living life alone,If someone asked me what do i want in life to be happy id reply now,a cabin in the woods and being a farmer of some sort.Just like people lived couple hundred years ago
Huge distances,almost self sufficient and living/working day by day to support themselves.As every year passes and im getting older every day,im in mid twenties if someone wonders,but have done nothing useful in life,also im an angry person always been but never showed it and kept it inside.Sometimes i wonder why the hell i was meant to born,when theres so many people in the world in far worse conditions/disabled,and yet im hating every second of my life and wish i didn't exist.Now i know few factors that made me the way i am,first it was my parents who were always strict and too caring,next was the bullying while growing up as always i was the weakest person in any group thin and skinny,due to this in my teenage years i didn't experience any relationships or close encounters as no girl would look at me,add to this never graduating college left me stranded with no future in job prospects.Now ten years later this hatred has started coming out of me towards everyone my parents,even a person in the que could boil my blood for no reason at all.So now someone could say you know where your troubles are streaming from all the anxiety shyness etc and you could start recovery.But even to this day i wake up with different memories from my childhood,school,parties or just situations where i acted as a coward,or just let been pushed around,and still am,and it makes me sweat and also angry at the same time.And the far worst thing is loneliness as im nearly 30 and yet never even had a relationship,even if life threw one on me id let it pass or avoid it,as i do wish for someone close but at the same time i couldnt handle someone close to me all the time.And we all know what society thinks of people who are single or never had relationships in their life after they are almost 30y old,not that i care but if i happened to be in a relationship it would be just for the sake of others not myslef as i grown to live it alone
So any elders here who went through life similar,as i prefer to read watch someones else life and imagine it was me the hero or the confident person.thanks for reading.

 

[Facethefear]

You are a very honest person who is self aware. I live in a cabin in the woods, but I need an income, therefore I work. I am reading a good book "How to Survive without a Salary" by Charles Long. You should read it or I could send it to you.
I used to be angry ... but got wiser and realized it takes too much energy and messes up your body and mind and I let it go. You can lose your anger very quickly when you choose to. Your emotions are in your control.
I used to be a little timid also, but I pushed myself out of my comfort zone more and more and now I am involved in a court case and I feel no fear because I know I am right. Years ago, I might have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown over the same situation.
You have a lot of years left to become the person you want to be. Believe me, I am 57 and I did it! I hope you keep writing and I will keep reading about your progress.

 

[coyote]

i'm 48, so i guess that qualifies as "elder"...

not everyone is on the same timetable, nor do they need to be

there's no rulebook that says you have to have X, Y, or Z by the time you are a certain age

and even if you reach certain goals or obtain a certain status, it doesn't mean things will stay that way

i got married the first time when i was 24, the second time when i was 37, then single again at 42 - i think i'm finally starting to figure out how to be in a relationship now

i'm currently in my third career, and things are finally looking promising, but i doubt my credit score will ever recover

i no longer have the house or cars that i used to own, but now i live in a cabin in the woods - really

is this the end? hell no - life is just getting good for me

you're young, you have a great deal of life ahead of you. people rarely get it right the first time. try something, screw it up, learn from it. then do it better the next time.

it ain't over 'til it's over

 

[Facethefear]

Your posts always make me smile, Coyote.

 

[Section_31]

LOL! Coy! youve got a million gajillion years ahead of you! silly!

your barely ahead of any of us

 

[doesit]

Thx guys for honest replies,Yeah plenty of life ahead,ideas,and dreams,but its always this feeling that holds you back,lets call it fear -the idea itself i read about in some book that fear is put into us while we are still developing as children,by our parents,the first words when we start to understand the world is,dont touch this,leave it alone,you will loose,you cant do this,and when this is told everyday it gets engraved into our minds,if someone growing up gets always encouraged and pushed the person would turn out different,now its not complete idea of bad parenting as parents cannot only be strict or totally encouraging,but when i think of myself i always have this fear to lose,be let down and so on.as for living outside the society,its mission impossible for most people,as eventually income would be required and as people we are grown to some extent of comfort to have.For now ill leave it as it is as my thoughts are flowing in all directions,sometimes i want everything and sometimes id give everything just to have peace in my mind.

 

[Facethefear]

"sometimes i want everything and to have peace in my mind."

Haha. Try for both! You can have it all if you know it is possible.

 

[Bustn Justin]

I feel the same way buddy. I had the same upbringing and never been in a serious relationship either

 

[mikebird]

I do want to get the book. I was glad to find a set of thousands of books online for free, but this one might need a fee

What's the medicine that seemed to make you aggressive? I started on something years ago, in hospital, still going today, which I think made me really aggressive at the time which is in a family of antidepressants, anti-epilepsy, which share some nasty side-effects. Prozac? Keppra, aka Levetiracetam is the one I'd identify as the one that started me getting angry like this. Overall, I have no medicine to complain about

But my life is now deeply seated in recruiters, who prevent me from getting through their subjective personality filter. This all began before any medicine. I think it was this work ban attitude that triggered my dark side

 

[psych]

Need to channel that anger to turn it into positive energy that you can use... Use it as drive. Take up a martial art, or do an extreme sport, at the very least get a heavybag, throw on some metal, & have at it...
Anger is expensive and destructive and has brought me nothing but pain, money trouble, broken relationships, & isolation...

 

[mikebird]

I am addicted to my weights and aerobic treadmills and rowers. I don't say much to people at the gym, and feel awkward, but had a good chuckle this Sunday with a few blokes using the same cross cable pulley kit. It's rare to communicate, but fuels me with more stamina to put in extra effort. It's important to be around some people. I wouldn't get my own kit in a garage. I can't imagine having a garage, garden or any stairs...

I miss playing squash.

I really want a fullsize punchbag. It's not at the gym

I have wanted to do karate or kickboxing sessions available. I think I decided not to due to SA, or my age.

I started in a village in the woods. Before school, we had judo. I got scared. We started with 'British Bulldog'? I didn't like risking head-on injury, or trying to dodge, or maybe dressing in pyjamas. At school, I didn't like field games, or cross country runs, always starting and ending last. Whooah. I guess that was the beginning of my SA! My first injury was a fast head-on temple clash while I held the ball. That'd be the root of migraine & epilepsy, causing me to fall over next week in a swimming pool, smashing my head into a bench - concussion. I'm surprised I can remember that!

 

[doesit]

what gets me a bit over the top id say is Valium,since its long lasting you become more relaxed as it works its way up,or maybe its withdrawal from it,dont know for sure.As for advice on heavy bag,i deferentially need one and one one,just to rip all that anger until ive no more energy to go at it,probably would help me with sleep as well.

 

[mikebird]

Cleanskin is an OK movie

 

[mikebird]

Best day I've had for a long, long time.. years?

Not much to describe, but the day outstrips any other I can remember. I haven't eaten today. It's 1836 (time) and there is no need for food at all. I've met nobody

As usual, I relax, waiting to be ready to get some exercise. Expecting cold. I get out on my mountain bike to get uphill to my gym, in shorts, little shirt & trainers. Just so much verve and passion for weights and aerobics later I just put in so much more than usual. Performing cable cross activity in front of others - like an actor.

Unsure of the reason today, but all my power comes from a deep core of anger due to what I've been unable to achieve in life, and can't change; I can't have an effect on this. It's luck. Or SA, of course.

I'll get straight back to all your threads, and answer to all of them, if I can contribute.

I continue about me. I think a new term. Flooded with students - in the streets and roads, and inductions in the gym. No matter

I seemed to get a better response from the instructors. I'm always silent. I hate that. Even a gesture or smile is awkward for me. I never start any communication. I respond to other, when I can. I'd guess the main reason I've lost out on office employment; probably because I'm the person who enters to room with NOTHING TO SAY, while I will look at faces, that is all. Any person who asks me 'how are you' that is the ultimate garbage of communication. I'd prefer the person to tell me something really new, special, meaningful about themselves, as I write this to you. "How are you" is a crime for me. I prefer the interaction of a cat,dog, cattle, livestock.

In that gym, there was magic I've never expected. Smiles. Some kit had been moved around to improve convenience. I was doing weights while a new set of students were having induction. It happens every week. I don't expect to be a celebrity. Different today. Some attention from others. Some new girls in there running, etc, I was naturally finding their clothing, activity, faces, eyes, or ethnicity bewinderingly attractive! But never bold enough to say anything. I wanted to walk past the treadmills and touch someone's exposed slim tummy with my finger. This leads to my head of infinite outcomes to prevents me from doing it.

Possibly, me shining sun inside me carried from yesterday; the place I got an MOT done on my car, after an invoice of £130 for parts & labour. A week ago, introduced to my new invoice of AUDI's £4,000 charge, by the loudest, annoying, fat, suited sales baffoon who shouted at me to come up with the cash. I did disappear (in my head) as a weak, powerless freak, as I often reach exactly that state when in job interview. I did nothing wrong. Very proud not to attack physically. I easily get that strong feeling inside.

Yesterday I put smiles on faces of receptionist (i assume the mechanic's wife) and very much the mechanic's face, and his subordinate worker. I really wanted to ask this guy if I could work for him. I'd love to service vehicles. I didn't say it. I shoulda had the courage to ask. I need a job.

I make people laugh a lot. I do that in the right company, when we were students. Office & normal people are not right for me. I have never got on with any garage service people, ever in my life until yesterday

The day in town after my gym session, there were a lot of people everywhere. Everyone staring at me. I was smiling and willing to interact, but it never happened. Wearing basic gym kit while everyone was wrapped up in big boots coats, hats. Looks were very negative: freak. I was marching as usual, darting between crowds to avoid them, getting to my destination.

People gather in large groups going nowhere, or moving so very slowly. This sentence goes universally for ALL normal people - any time - any place.

Anyway. Great day. After expressing all my feelings & thoughts above, to someone local, by phone, saying I want to visit. The answer was that he'd call me back to say when and what we'll do. I knew it was a lie. I expect no response. I am always right. I also wanted to cheer up my poor, old frail Dad in a different county, using Skype, as usual. I tried to project good feelings. He wasn't willing to speak, and said he had to hang up.

What am I supposed to do about that?

I'll spend my evening alone. That's no surprise!!!