Life at uni - my first post

[LonelyGirl]

Hello everyone, this is my first post. I've been visiting this forum for a while but didn't register until now. I was worried that someone I know would read my posts and realise it was me, although I doubt that anyone I know would be reading a social anxiety forum. I've decded to post anyway because I feel like I really need to tell someone what's just happened to me.

I suffered from selective mutism until I was almost 16 (I'm 18 now) and have suffered from social anxiety for just over 2 years. I've recently started university and I have been living in halls for nearly 2 weeks. I moved away because I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to go to a place where no one knew me and no one thought of me as shy or quiet. I thought this would help me overcome my anxiety.

I was terrified when I arrived but I forced myself to speak to my flatmates (I share a flat with 5 other girls). They're all very nice and I would like to socialise more with them but my anxiety has been holding me back. I do speak to them but not nearly as much as they speak to each other.

After a few days at uni, even though I was still worried about making friends, I began to feel better about living here. I wasn't really happy, but I wasn't sad either. I was feeling optimistic and thought that once I'd met more people on my course, joined a club or society and got a job I'd make friends and everything would be ok, but now I'm starting to worry.

One of my flatmates has a boyfriend who lives locally. He comes to the flat a lot in the evenings and although he's been around since uni started, I only met him yesterday - or the day before - I don't remember. Anyway, he was in the kitchen with his girlfriend while I was washing up and he started talking to me. I answered all his questions, but found it difficult to make conversation. Eventually he said "You're quiet aren't you" which he probably didn't mean in a nasty way but it really upset me because all I've done since I arrived is try not to be quiet.

All of my flatmates went out tonight and although I was invited I didn't go because I have to be up early in the morning (they don't). Before they left they were all standing outside the bedrooms talking to the boyfriend while I was in my room. I had headphones on so I didn't hear everything that was said, but someone mentioned my name so I started listening. It was obvious he had been saying mean things about me because I heard my flatmates tell him he was being "horrible" to me. They also told him I was "lovely" which was nice and warned him that I could probably hear, but no one came to check if I had.

I burst into tears because I felt like I was back at school again being bullied by people who just thought I was just there to make fun of. I've been trying so hard to fit in and make friends and be myself and I know I wasn't as successful as I would have liked, but this has just made me feel like such a failure. I'm dreading tomorrow. Part of me wants to talk to my flatmates about it in the morning, but they didn't hear me crying and they don't know that I heard, so I'm not sure if I should. Also, I don't want to fall out with the girl whose boyfriend it is, even though I hardly ever see her.

This is the worst I've felt since I came here. I thought the next 3 years were going to be the best of my life but now I'm not so sure. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal. It was just one stupid boy. There are plenty of nice people around, but it's made me feel really depressed and scared and lonely.

I'm sorry that was so long but I just had to let it out.

 

[Horatio]

Good on you for taking the big jump and going to university. You must have a lot of courage.

It is easier said than done but try to forget about your flatmates boyfriend. You don't need his permission to be who you want to be. You shouldn't be made to feel that it is wrong to be quiet. Be as quiet as you like and don't even bother justifying it to him.

The next three years won't be the best years of your life, because the three years after that will be just as good.

 

[emmdee]

Exactly what the first guy said. You don't need him to say what's right and what's wrong.

Another easier said than done option, maybe tell your flatmates of your SA? Maybe they can help, and if they can't or don't, at least you can have the satisfaction of knowing that they understand why you're so quiet and it doesn't matter.

Try your best to mingle. I know it's hard but this is a new start for you, well done for going through with it. The problem is you're going too fast.
Like i've told many other people, slowly conquer over it.

Tomorrow, talk to your flatmates, have a normal conversation for 10 minutes. In a week from now, talk to someone in your class. In a month, get someone from your campus's phone number. Keep challenging yourself like this slowly and when you feel you can do it - but don't procrastinate, and don't decide to back out either.

The only way you can get over your fears is to face them as best you can. I hope i helped, and good luck.

 

[Thelema]

You're doing great by moving out and being on your own. I hope to do the same thing myself next year.

Telling them you have SA is deffinetly an option. All the times I've told people about it its always turned out for the better. People are more understanding and supportive than you may think.

Good luck, you're doing great.

 

[nutsaboutu]

I wish I got the chance to live in a dorm or have roommates, it would have made my transition into university much much easier. Do what the others said and forget about what your flatmate's boyfriend said... i'm sure they have forgotten and moved on. The benefit of making a fresh start is becoming a new person so the new you should also forget and move on. The next time he comes over try starting a conversation with him (think of a great conversation you had with someone and redo it with him) or try finding something you guys have in common. Let him get another opinion of you.

Do not dwell on the negative!

 

[ForeverBlue]

Try not to beat yourself up about what he said. I know it is awful when you hear someone saying things about you but this has reflected badly on him, not you. He has judged you after just one meeting. And obviously he has always associated himself with the outgoing type of people and he probably doesn't understand what other people can be like. Not everyone is the same and if we were then it would be a boring place . Perhaps because you weren't talking to him, he took it that you didn't like him or were stuck up so he became defensive by attacking you.

Take what he said with a grain of salt as he is just ignorant. Perhaps not a bad person, but he shouldn't have been judgemental like he was. Turn it around and think to yourself that him saying things about you doesn't mean that he is right. For all you know, he could be the meanest and nastiest person you could ever meet, and wouldn't you rather be the person you are instead of a person like him. Count yourself lucky he isn't your boyfriend :lol: . It is one person's inexperienced opinion which should mean nothing to you. So don't let it crush what confidence you have. Keep your chin up and carry on like it never happened.
Best of Luck

 

[coriander1992]

a big well done to you for having the courage to go to uni!

stuff this stupid boy, why is it so bad that you are quiet?
he sounds like a right @sshole, so just ignore him and get on with getting to know other people more
like you said there are probably plenty of nice people, and at least those girls stick up for you a bit which is a good sign, right?
best of luck to you

 

[recluse]

I never had the guts to go to uni!

That guy was a twat for commenting like that! Would he have commented on someone for being loud? Why the hell do shy people always get the stick??!

I remember when I was young I used to get everyone commenting on how quiet I was. Once a person we know who was staying in the holiday cottage next to our house asked me if I'd lost my tongue! Don't these people realize how much comments like this hurt?

 

[Sebastian]

Telling people about social phobia has been a bad idea in my experience because, even though people try to understand, it is too different from their world. Every person sees the world though their own eyes and social phobia might be too difficult to comprehend. Nevertheless, telling people that you're introverted works better. Introversion is better understood and is also more socially accepted.

As for the guy thing, you will have to become stronger with time and you will. There are all kind of people in the world and being strong is the way to deal with the less pleasant ones as well as with the less pleasant situations.

I would love to go back to university and finish it. University is really a unique period. It doesn't mean that you will spend the next three years of your life like a party-animal, but it does mean that you can take advantage of special moments to enjoy life and to improve yourself. Among the bad, lonely, sad moments, you will experience pleasant, interesting, unique ones as well. You will get in contact with ideas, emotions and people that will change you. Try to take the good as well as the bad.

 

[SocialRetahd]

I bet I will have a lot of fun at college...

...wait, I already went.

 

[jayo]

All people out there want to be liked and repected by all others.
Our problem is the degree we want to be liked.
If anyone labels us negatively in the slightest way we flip.
If you keep doing this you're going to be monitoring everyone at all times.
Think about this - do you think this boy is beating himself up for being critical of you? - Don't think so!!

The key to good self esteem is to develop a healthly view of all your attributes and to have a preference for acceptance by others but not to bend over to be accepted.

Be true to yourself lonely girl!

 

[LonelyGirl]

Thanks everyone! It's nice to know there are people who understand why that can be so upsetting. I felt like I was making a fuss about nothing. I do think I overreacted though. It's just that I can get really paranoid when I meet new people. He came in last night while I was sitting in the kitchen with my flatmates and he just acted as if I wasn't there - which is fine by me. I don't think it's something I need to worry about, especially since I have such great flatmates who don't seem bothered about the fact that I'm quiet.

 

[Johnnash]

Hello everyone, this is my first post. I've been visiting this forum for a while but didn't register until now. I was worried that someone I know would read my posts and realise it was me, although I doubt that anyone I know would be reading a social anxiety forum. I've decded to post anyway because I feel like I really need to tell someone what's just happened to me.

I suffered from selective mutism until I was almost 16 (I'm 18 now) and have suffered from social anxiety for just over 2 years. I've recently started university and I have been living in halls for nearly 2 weeks. I moved away because I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to go to a place where no one knew me and no one thought of me as shy or quiet. I thought this would help me overcome my anxiety.

I was terrified when I arrived but I forced myself to speak to my flatmates (I share a flat with 5 other girls). They're all very nice and I would like to socialise more with them but my anxiety has been holding me back. I do speak to them but not nearly as much as they speak to each other.

After a few days at uni, even though I was still worried about making friends, I began to feel better about living here. I wasn't really happy, but I wasn't sad either. I was feeling optimistic and thought that once I'd met more people on my course, joined a club or society and got a job I'd make friends and everything would be ok, but now I'm starting to worry.

One of my flatmates has a boyfriend who lives locally. He comes to the flat a lot in the evenings and although he's been around since uni started, I only met him yesterday - or the day before - I don't remember. Anyway, he was in the kitchen with his girlfriend while I was washing up and he started talking to me. I answered all his questions, but found it difficult to make conversation. Eventually he said "You're quiet aren't you" which he probably didn't mean in a nasty way but it really upset me because all I've done since I arrived is try not to be quiet.

All of my flatmates went out tonight and although I was invited I didn't go because I have to be up early in the morning (they don't). Before they left they were all standing outside the bedrooms talking to the boyfriend while I was in my room. I had headphones on so I didn't hear everything that was said, but someone mentioned my name so I started listening. It was obvious he had been saying mean things about me because I heard my flatmates tell him he was being "horrible" to me. They also told him I was "lovely" which was nice and warned him that I could probably hear, but no one came to check if I had.

I burst into tears because I felt like I was back at school again being bullied by people who just thought I was just there to make fun of. I've been trying so hard to fit in and make friends and be myself and I know I wasn't as successful as I would have liked, but this has just made me feel like such a failure. I'm dreading tomorrow. Part of me wants to talk to my flatmates about it in the morning, but they didn't hear me crying and they don't know that I heard, so I'm not sure if I should. Also, I don't want to fall out with the girl whose boyfriend it is, even though I hardly ever see her.

This is the worst I've felt since I came here. I thought the next 3 years were going to be the best of my life but now I'm not so sure. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal. It was just one stupid boy. There are plenty of nice people around, but it's made me feel really depressed and scared and lonely.

I'm sorry that was so long but I just had to let it out.

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm moving out very soon and starting fresh. But I'm always afraid of things being "leaked out" about me.
MY problems had started at uni as well but i managed to complete my course somehow. i suggest you do the same. getting a colllege degree atleast gives you a semblance of hope. if i were in your place, i would try living alone. your privacy is always at risk when you live with roommates.

 

[xtina_fan81]

I just wanted to reply because Ive just moved out and gone to Uni as well, so I might understand more than some what you're going through

I didnt want to create images or anything about what it would be like cause I didnt want to get my hopes up nor make myself worry about it. I moved in on the sunday and there was already one girl there who introduced herself, a good first impression which has really continued and im perfectly ok with her, and another guy who moved in is also ok so once I met them two I was just grateful I didnt get arrogant rowdy flatmates. There are a couple more in the flat but i hardly see them.
Anyway, on one of the fresher nights I went out with the two flatmates I knew and some people from next door who one of them had made friends with the night before. I had been out with these other people once before this as well, and they seemed ok but there was one guy whos obv the loudest and has actually been drunk every time ive seen him lol. The first time I saw him I knew he would be the one to comment on the way I am if any were going to. so I went out with them all to a rock night which was more heavy metal which isnt my thing anyway, and he came and sat next to me and asked the classic question ..."why are you so quiet".. he went on to ask if im always that quiet, etc etc. The usuall bullshit that comesout of ignorant peoples mouths, I obv realized after I shouldve replied with "i duno, why are you so damn annoying"... but i never think of it at the time! so yeah that made me feel like i wanted to go home and just like "omg this is school all over again and everything is going to be crap here" Soon after everyone tended to go off and i didnt feel part of them at all through the night so i went back to the flat crying and phoned my mum telling her I wanted to come home etc, i txted my friend as well as having words from her kind of helped calm me down at least.

Btw I agree with what someone elsesaid about the guy, it is quite likely he felt intimidated by the fact that you were quiet, and chances are hes a lot more insecure than he lets on, some people are intimidated by quiet people because they cannot tell what you're thinking of them and again are too ignorant to understand why someone doesnt actually give the impression of liking them, so they get defensive making comments to make themselves feel better, i really belive lots of people do that.

I just wanted to share that cause I mean, I had a very strong feeling I was going to get that comment at some point at Uni, I guess I took it worse cos things were actually looking up and when that happens I get all happy and then it completly throws me off when somethin bad happens.
Its going to happen, I know now that just cause I moved a few miles away, ther will still be idiots and people who are too dumb or ignorant to understand or at least keep their mouth shut.
Ive started talking to a couple of people on my course a bit more, and Im just taking every day as it comes really. Hope it all goes well and you can always PM me about things seeing as we seem to be in the same boat