just wanted to clear my head

[Maug]

Hi. I haven't posted here in months. In the time between now and then, I have seen a therapist for my OCD, improved somewhat, and stopped seeing that therapist once I started to lose interest in seeing her. I stopped going only a few days ago, and I already think it was a bad idea.

I have cyclical suicidal thoughts. They vary in intensity and duration. I've had times where I have thought about killing myself many times in a day, or only occasionally. I can go weeks, sometimes even months, feeling totally fine, like recently, only to have them come back strong, like now. I actually didn't talk about this with my therapist very much (once or twice), because I didn't want to burden her with my annoying feelings. I also felt it wasn't very necessary, as I have never acted on these feelings. I avoid discussing these things with my friends and family for the same reason. They have their own problems and I don't want to bother them with mine.

I also don't want to bother people with my problems because they are of my own making. The only thing holding me back from a job, or school, or any other success, is myself. I am afraid of success as much as failure, so much so that I constantly find myself in a state of paralysis. I can't do this, I can't do that, because I'm afraid of doing it wrong or poorly, and I'd rather not do it at all if it isn't perfect. So I do nothing. So what can I expect anyone to say when I tell them I'm depressed about not doing these things?

So I end up wanting to die, because I think, "There is nothing I want to do in life. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing anything. So I might as well make life easier for the people around me and kill myself."

I have not been on any medication since I was twelve. I am nineteen now. I should probably go on medication. But I don't want to because I am afraid that it will change other aspects of me that I do not want changed. Probably an irrational worry.

I don't expect anyone to offer me any solutions. I just wanted to say these things to someone, and I don't want to bother my friends or family with them. I hope that you will not mind that I am okay with bothering you with them.

 

[lilmutegirl]

I don't think anyone on here would consider you to be bothering us by stating how you feel. It's good that you at least have this forum to express yourself.
I'm not even going to try to offer you solutions, because I'm clueless about so many things myself, but I hope that you can find someone who can help you, and that you don't act on your suicidal thoughts.
I understand the paralysis, as I feel similar due to my SA. I just started therapy and am not on any meds at the moment, but am hopeful that someday I will get past the paralyzing feeling. I hope you do too.

 

[Maug]

It means a lot to me that you took the time to comment, and I appreciate the well wishes. For the most part, I found my therapist to be helpful, though we focused on my OCD and neglected my other anxieties. I hope that you will find your therapist helpful as well.

Thank you again for your words.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I can relate very closely to all that you are saying. You explain it better than I could. I too of course have no solution, but you're not burdening anybody here, most of us can relate and it's a relief, not because you're this way of course, but because we all understand this feeling. I hope you find your way through it, and overcome that fear of success and failure one day, It has to be possible.

 

[IamThisOne]

So I end up wanting to die, because I think, "There is nothing I want to do in life. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing anything. So I might as well make life easier for the people around me and kill myself."

Same thoughts plague me every minute of everyday.