Maug
Member
Hi. I haven't posted here in months. In the time between now and then, I have seen a therapist for my OCD, improved somewhat, and stopped seeing that therapist once I started to lose interest in seeing her. I stopped going only a few days ago, and I already think it was a bad idea.
I have cyclical suicidal thoughts. They vary in intensity and duration. I've had times where I have thought about killing myself many times in a day, or only occasionally. I can go weeks, sometimes even months, feeling totally fine, like recently, only to have them come back strong, like now. I actually didn't talk about this with my therapist very much (once or twice), because I didn't want to burden her with my annoying feelings. I also felt it wasn't very necessary, as I have never acted on these feelings. I avoid discussing these things with my friends and family for the same reason. They have their own problems and I don't want to bother them with mine.
I also don't want to bother people with my problems because they are of my own making. The only thing holding me back from a job, or school, or any other success, is myself. I am afraid of success as much as failure, so much so that I constantly find myself in a state of paralysis. I can't do this, I can't do that, because I'm afraid of doing it wrong or poorly, and I'd rather not do it at all if it isn't perfect. So I do nothing. So what can I expect anyone to say when I tell them I'm depressed about not doing these things?
So I end up wanting to die, because I think, "There is nothing I want to do in life. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing anything. So I might as well make life easier for the people around me and kill myself."
I have not been on any medication since I was twelve. I am nineteen now. I should probably go on medication. But I don't want to because I am afraid that it will change other aspects of me that I do not want changed. Probably an irrational worry.
I don't expect anyone to offer me any solutions. I just wanted to say these things to someone, and I don't want to bother my friends or family with them. I hope that you will not mind that I am okay with bothering you with them.
I have cyclical suicidal thoughts. They vary in intensity and duration. I've had times where I have thought about killing myself many times in a day, or only occasionally. I can go weeks, sometimes even months, feeling totally fine, like recently, only to have them come back strong, like now. I actually didn't talk about this with my therapist very much (once or twice), because I didn't want to burden her with my annoying feelings. I also felt it wasn't very necessary, as I have never acted on these feelings. I avoid discussing these things with my friends and family for the same reason. They have their own problems and I don't want to bother them with mine.
I also don't want to bother people with my problems because they are of my own making. The only thing holding me back from a job, or school, or any other success, is myself. I am afraid of success as much as failure, so much so that I constantly find myself in a state of paralysis. I can't do this, I can't do that, because I'm afraid of doing it wrong or poorly, and I'd rather not do it at all if it isn't perfect. So I do nothing. So what can I expect anyone to say when I tell them I'm depressed about not doing these things?
So I end up wanting to die, because I think, "There is nothing I want to do in life. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like doing anything. So I might as well make life easier for the people around me and kill myself."
I have not been on any medication since I was twelve. I am nineteen now. I should probably go on medication. But I don't want to because I am afraid that it will change other aspects of me that I do not want changed. Probably an irrational worry.
I don't expect anyone to offer me any solutions. I just wanted to say these things to someone, and I don't want to bother my friends or family with them. I hope that you will not mind that I am okay with bothering you with them.