just nedd to tell how i feel!

[marykate]

I am social phobic since i was 12 or 13 years old! I am now 27 years old. My simptoms started slowly thru highschool and then college.
I dont know how did i live thru all of this.
I still have some friends, but i feel so inferior when i am with them. I did not have a boyfriend or did go on date since i was 18. I aviod any contact with men, and 90% with women. My friends ridicule me for that and that makes me feel like a shit.
I feel like i am retarded, that i dont deserve to live. When i am around people i feel so ashamed for being like that and i have panic attacks.
I hate myself for being s -fobic, insecure, and i wish i was dead.
Everything has become to much for me and i cannot stand it anymore
I truly wish that some day something happens to me because i dont have the courage to kill myself.
I just dont have any hope, i dont know anymore what to do!
The hell of social phobia has became to much for me...........

 

[Starry]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

It doesn't help, but almost everyone here has felt exactly the same at some point. You're not alone in feeling like that.

Sorry, I'm really useless with responding to things like this. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling like that, and things aren't really as hopeless as they sometimes seem.

 

[Richey]

Hi MaryKate,

just remember that you are not alone in feeling this way, i can relate what your saying in most respects, around my work colleagues i feel like an alien because we are so different, they are constantly witty and loud and i have this habit of being tongue tied ...which means i comes across as a bore ...

i too havent been on a date for years, although i try not to let that bother me so much as im yet to meet a girl who i really click with.

hang in there, you'll improve once you take a few small steps to live for yourself and not for others, thats the key, i cant say i live by this yet, but it takes time :wink:

 

[marykate]

Thank you for kind words! it does feel better when someone understands me and know how am i feeling!

 

[random]

MaryKate,
I can definitely relate. I recognize those feelings you describe. I have had them myself. I wanted to write to tell you that there is hope. There are days when it hurts to hear about 'hope' - especially on those days when I don't have it. But I have gotten better - I have met other people who have gotten better - and I feel like I need to tell people about it...and to tell you, because it is the truth and you deserve to hear it. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain - but hang on - healing is possible.

 

[marykate]

I am on AD and psychotherapy but i feel like this is never going to end.
Thank you for giving me some hope!

 

[random]

MaryKate,
I am so glad that you are on AD and attending psychotherapy. I wish I had done that when I was your age. In fact, I did try to get help when I was 20yrs old. I was in college and the counselor said "The only way you will get better is if you attend this group...." I couldn't face a group and I believed that if I didn't there was no hope for me. So I gave up trying...until I was 42! Oh how I wish I didn't let one counselor stop me! You are doing the right thing. I have gone to psychotherapy for a little over 4 years now. It took a long time (or so I thought) for me to see any change outwardly (in the 'real' world) even though some of my thinking was changing in my head. I thought it was taking too long and used to get so defeated and I did quit counseling a few times. I am glad I forced myself to go back. I used to get furious when my counselor would try to get me to stay in counseling a little longer by saying "You're almost there...." I was furious and would answer back sarcastically "Yes...forever just out of reach...almost there....but forever just out of reach!!!" because I didn't believe I was getting better and I thought when he said that "it's easy for YOU to say because YOUR LIFE isn't HELL!" But for every time I quit -I made myself go back. I have been on medication twice - and it helped. I have begun to see actual results (been able to attend social functions and I am sleeping better and not taking meds now). How I wish I took this on years ago...when I was your age. MaryKate - you rock! you are doing the right thing! Don't give up!

 

[okkamsrazor]

hey hey miss
I'm new here as well! I know its difficult but try not to worry.
you've come to the right port to dock in!