Just feeling all alone.

[Chriiss]

Hey Guys/Girls
I'm Chris. I've been feeling upset for a good two years now soo I thought I'd join some sort of forum and talk to people that have the same troubles or can help me.
Some backround on me Im 17 work in a clothes shop but only in delivery so I don't deal with customers. I don't really have a proper hobbie. I have friends but not proper real friends. Not friends I can confront and talk about how I feel. I live at home with my parents and 2 brothers and 1 sister.

My mums got depression and my elder brother has recently gone through some rehab thingy after attempting suicide. I think depression runs in our family.. Is that possible?

I'm not comfortable in my body.. I'm 6 foot 3 and hate it. I always stand out in the crowd. I hate doing little things like standing up and getting a drink because I'm so self consious about my height. I always try to sit down in public places and when the public bus has no seats spare I just wait till the next one.

But it's not just a physical thing... I isolate myself a lot always in my room.. Just listening to depressing music that I enjoy because I can relate. I'm quite good at putting a face on. My family think I'm fine and my friends.. I can even come across quite confident I think but really I'm screaming inside.. Crying out for help. I have no one to confront I was close to my Mum but she has her own problems annd my Dad not a chance. He's one of those Macho type fathers.

I've been getting suicidal thoughts for a while and have even started researching stuff on the Internet about it. I'm not ready to die but feel my excistence in life is pointless. I have no goal in life.. I'm not clever and I'm not very good at anything. Girls are a long way off I get all nervous and try to get out of conversations as soon as. They must think I'm a right prick!

I think the problem started in school when I got a lot of comments about the way I looked. I avoided the last year of school making any excuse. I said I couldn't cope with work when I could and left school with nothing.

Anyways sorry to ramble on I'm new to all this I've never really put it in writing i've always bottled it up. Kept it to myself.
Sorry for any typos.
And thanks for taking your time to read my problem.

 

[StrandedTangle]

Hey Guys/Girls
I'm Chris. I've been feeling upset for a good two years now soo I thought I'd join some sort of forum and talk to people that have the same troubles or can help me.
Some backround on me Im 17 work in a clothes shop but only in delivery so I don't deal with customers. I don't really have a proper hobbie. I have friends but not proper real friends. Not friends I can confront and talk about how I feel. I live at home with my parents and 2 brothers and 1 sister.

My mums got depression and my elder brother has recently gone through some rehab thingy after attempting suicide. I think depression runs in our family.. Is that possible?

I'm not comfortable in my body.. I'm 6 foot 3 and hate it. I always stand out in the crowd. I hate doing little things like standing up and getting a drink because I'm so self consious about my height. I always try to sit down in public places and when the public bus has no seats spare I just wait till the next one.

But it's not just a physical thing... I isolate myself a lot always in my room.. Just listening to depressing music that I enjoy because I can relate. I'm quite good at putting a face on. My family think I'm fine and my friends.. I can even come across quite confident I think but really I'm screaming inside.. Crying out for help. I have no one to confront I was close to my Mum but she has her own problems annd my Dad not a chance. He's one of those Macho type fathers.

I've been getting suicidal thoughts for a while and have even started researching stuff on the Internet about it. I'm not ready to die but feel my excistence in life is pointless. I have no goal in life.. I'm not clever and I'm not very good at anything. Girls are a long way off I get all nervous and try to get out of conversations as soon as. They must think I'm a right prick!

I think the problem started in school when I got a lot of comments about the way I looked. I avoided the last year of school making any excuse. I said I couldn't cope with work when I could and left school with nothing.

Anyways sorry to ramble on I'm new to all this I've never really put it in writing i've always bottled it up. Kept it to myself.
Sorry for any typos.
And thanks for taking your time to read my problem.

Hi Chris; Welcome to the Forums! I can relate to almost everything you have written here in one way or another.
I joined the forums hoping to make connections with people I could open up to and also lend an understanding ear to.
I am now 50 and have not worked since 1983. I am on a Pension for Aniety and Depression.
I used to have some friends, but they are all gone now and my SA seems to be on the rise.
I do not live with my Parents, but I did for a very long time and it was ages before I left the nest.

From my understanding, depression does run in families.
I am also not overly comfortable in my body, but for the opposite reason. I am now 50 as I said, and I am only 5 foot 2 inches! Not only that, but I don't look my age so I get people who are quite a deal younger than me not treating me as if I am an adult. Some while ago a taxi driver kept calling me "lad" and I must have had at least 10 years on him!

I used to spend loads of time listening to music myself and I still think it is one of the best things. I know you say you listen to a lot of depressing music; but there were many times in my past when I was serverley depressed that music was the only thing that got me through.

I have been down the road of suicidal thoughts too; even recently. I expect many people on this Site have and that's what we are here for to help one another and be there for each other so we don't feel quite so alone.

You say you are not clever, but your Posting is very well written so it is possible you are not giving yourself credit that is there if you can find it. When you are so down and depressed it is incredibly difficult to find any positives; but I feel you have at least some. I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

Girls and dating were a disaster for me; but now I'm in an unhappy marriage, so be careful what you wish for.
School days were also disastrous thanks to major bullying and I left as soon as I could.

I know i have written a lot about myself here; but I wanted you to see hoe many parallels there are and let you know that you are not alone.
I even relate to the screaming inside.

PM me anytime you want to if you feel like it and I will respond. I am in Brisbane Australia and about to go to bed.

Take care;
Stranded Tangle.

 

[Phoenixx]

Welcome Chris I can relate to how you say you put on a face. No one in my family nor my friends know how anxious and stressed I am. I've had depression off and on every year now since I was 13 (I'm 17, almost 18) I always looks so calm and relaxed, but really on the inside I feel afraid, sad, and angry most of the time. I hope SPW can help you find some answers.

 

[Mokkat]

hey Chris. Welcome.

Kudos for speaking your mind so easily, I had to lurk around here some time before I joined and aside from small contributions in threads or a couple of rants I wrote while drunk, I haven't really gotten much out there.

I hope you can ease your mind a bit speaking to people here

 

[miss_amy]

Hello and welcome.

 

[Chriiss]

Thanks guys! I'm not really used to these forum thingys.
It's nice to know that people know what I'm talking about..
Thanks StrandedTangle.. Listening to music does help me a lot I put headphones In and lie in bed and try and imagine a better life.
Does your height concern you now or are you comfortable with yourself? The reason I ask is I was a early developer so I've been tall for a good two years and I am so uncomfortable with it all I ever wanted was to fit in.
I also didn't mention I get a lot of stick at work some would call it banter but it hurts my feelings.. They question me all the time about being gay.. Which I'm not. But so what if I was I just don't get how people can be so horrible. I would fight back but don't have the confidence and when I speak I mumble soo would never get the point across anyway.

Thanks Phoenix... I find it hard trying to be happy all the time.. My family and friends just think I love playing xbox when I go to my room I actually find it boring. But it's an excuse to be in my room alone and not have to act like I'm on top of the world.

 

[Phoenixx]

^ Same here. My family thinks I love being on the computer all the time. I mean, I do have a bit of an addiction and I do use it as a bit of a crutch and as an excuse to be alone in my room, but sometimes I really do find it extremely boring.

 

[Chriiss]

Yee Phoenix... I use it as escapcism (I think that's a word) They probably think I'm a geek or get up to know good in my room when really I'm just feeling really down.

I have a question... I get nervous when going places like simple tasks like popping to the shop or anything involving interaction with other people. Is this anxiety.. Sorry for asking a stupid question... And probably another stupid question... I think I'm depressed well i know I'm depressed but is it something only a doctor can tell because I've never seeked counselling or medical advice.

 

[StrandedTangle]

Yee Phoenix... I use it as escapcism (I think that's a word) They probably think I'm a geek or get up to know good in my room when really I'm just feeling really down.

I have a question... I get nervous when going places like simple tasks like popping to the shop or anything involving interaction with other people. Is this anxiety.. Sorry for asking a stupid question... And probably another stupid question... I think I'm depressed well i know I'm depressed but is it something only a doctor can tell because I've never seeked counselling or medical advice.

Hi Chris! Yes; that nervous feeling you get is anxiety. For info only; it can lead to Panic Attacks. I don't want to worry you; I used to go through those at shops etc; but I can pretty much handle that now. Public transport is still a big issue for me though.

Yes ~ being short is still a bit of an issue, but not so much now. As I have grown older in some ways I care less about what people think; but there are still occasions when I feel I am not given ordinary due respect thanks to my physique.

You know when I had a good period around 13 years ago now; it was no issue at all. I was so confident that I seemed to have this presence about me. It was irrelevant how tall or short I was. Wish I could rediscover those days.

Stranded.

 

[Chriiss]

Thanks whatkatiedid (katie?)
So depression is in our genes.. I hate that! I'm glad I've found this forum. I found it by googling "Unhappy all the time". I'm sorry to hear about your family that's horrible. I'm lucky my brother pulled through.. Not that I ever see him. And it's one of those things where it just isn't spoken about in the house. It was almost as if it was brushed under the carpet.
Thanks Stranded..
I'm hoping one day I will feel comfortable in the way I look.. But again it's not just that but when I'm speaking to people I don't say things with confidence it's sort of I start of a sentence well and then I make slight eye contact, I immedietly look at the floor.. Lose composure and just look stupid.
I think a lot of people are so shallow. I hear so many conversations how Fat, thin some is . People seem to judge someone on how they look and that's it.

Thanks again everyone and Sorry again for being a pain

 

[aien89]

Thanks whatkatiedid (katie?)
So depression is in our genes.. I hate that! I'm glad I've found this forum. I found it by googling "Unhappy all the time". I'm sorry to hear about your family that's horrible. I'm lucky my brother pulled through.. Not that I ever see him. And it's one of those things where it just isn't spoken about in the house. It was almost as if it was brushed under the carpet.
Thanks Stranded..
I'm hoping one day I will feel comfortable in the way I look.. But again it's not just that but when I'm speaking to people I don't say things with confidence it's sort of I start of a sentence well and then I make slight eye contact, I immedietly look at the floor.. Lose composure and just look stupid.
I think a lot of people are so shallow. I hear so many conversations how Fat, thin some is . People seem to judge someone on how they look and that's it.

Thanks again everyone and Sorry again for being a pain

Your not a pain! Everytime I feel sad I visit this page and I relate to alot of the threads and that makes me happy that I'm not alone in the world. We all have a kinda "mental illness", but we need to help each other through this.

 

[Chriiss]

Thanks Aien... It's nice to know I'm not alone. That sounds bad but I thought I was with no one to talk to. When I put my Topic(is that what you call it?) up I didn't think I'd get any replies. But to get quite a few people giving me caring responses. Is very uplifting I feel quite overwhelmed to be honest.

 

[aien89]

Thanks Aien... It's nice to know I'm not alone. That sounds bad but I thought I was with no one to talk to. When I put my Topic(is that what you call it?) up I didn't think I'd get any replies. But to get quite a few people giving me caring responses. Is very uplifting I feel quite overwhelmed to be honest.

No problem, mate

You're so young and too young to give it all up! You can definitely get better. First of all it's great, that you have a job. Let's just say that you start from scratch from now on. Think positive - take some chances, you have nothing to lose!

Second of all you have a great height - not too small, not too big. Girls love guys with your height, so forget about your thoughts and just believe in yourself! Don't hide - be proud of your height!!

Third of all: There's nothing called "clever" or "not good at anything". If you want something, you can get it. If you want to be clever at something or good at something, you just have to open your google or youtube and learn! It's not as difficult as it sounds - the options are there. I bet you're an expert on Social Anxiety Disorder and know alot more than the average person!
We all have different qualities.

Alright - you don't have any goals but we can set some goals for you. What do you want from life? What is a "good" life to you?

And last but not least. Even "normal" people feel they have girl problems. You just have to take the chance and at some point you will find a sweet girl suitable for you
Every date you go on will make you an experience richer and after some dates, you get into the routine and you learn what to talk about on dates, what girls are interested in and so on. There's no secret formular, but experience is the way!

 

[Chriiss]

Cheers Aien.
I don't know how I got the job.. Just luck I suppose. I feel I'm getting left behind everyone is moving on, getting girlfriends, going to Uni.. Moving out of there houses where I'm in a dead end job with no Real friends and no life outside getting up and going to work.
The only thing I want to do with my life is get out of Wales. Is that running away? Is it bad to runaway? I always imagined travelling but that's not a goal it's just a dream. I don't have the confidence to do it on my own and I have no one to do it with.
Sorry for being awkward I must be so difficult to talk to.
Thanks again Aien

 

[aien89]

Cheers Aien.
I don't know how I got the job.. Just luck I suppose. I feel I'm getting left behind everyone is moving on, getting girlfriends, going to Uni.. Moving out of there houses where I'm in a dead end job with no Real friends and no life outside getting up and going to work.
The only thing I want to do with my life is get out of Wales. Is that running away? Is it bad to runaway? I always imagined travelling but that's not a goal it's just a dream. I don't have the confidence to do it on my own and I have no one to do it with.
Sorry for being awkward I must be so difficult to talk to.
Thanks again Aien

If moving really has always been your dream, then yes - you should move and start a fresh life. But there are limitations - you need en English speaking country so you can start some education/courses in some way. But if it's just like "hopefully the grass is greener over there", than you should stay in Wales and try to build a solid base. Start an education, do some dating - perhaps find some people on the internet - that has always been easy for me. If you have anything you like to do, you can also join a course or a group of this. For example a choir if you like to sing? or take some classes in painting, playing guitar or whatever you like?
You need to find out what makes you happy and start building a social network (easier said, than done - I know)

Unless your being chased by a guy with a gun, it is always bad to run away. It's the easiest choice but definitely the worst one.

You CAN get better! But to start your progress, you really need to find out, what really makes you happy and then persue it

 

[Chriiss]

It's definetly like " the grass is greener over there" type of thing. I would be going to a foreign country hoping all my troubles will disappear which I understand just isn't going to happen.
I used to enjoy playing football but again lost a lot of confidence in school and after I left school. I was involved in a club aswell but unfortunutly motivation had disappeared. I think that's maybe a problem is motivation I find it hard like a real struggle to get up in the morning.
I own a guitar and can "Jam" quite well on it maybe I should spend more time playing. I play like once a week if that it tends just to sit there.
Other than that I'm not really into anything.. It's bad isn't it?

But thanks again Aien you've been a great help and made me think about how I sort myself out.

Also I've got a question to anyone... Does everyone hide away like me and put a brave face on? It's because I don't want to tell my family because it's a broken fragile family as it is. And can the feeling of anxiety and depression leave or will it be in you for the rest of your life?

 

[aien89]

Great - football and playing guitar is two wonderful hobbies. If you play your cards right, both of these can help you create your social network. You should join a local football team and take some more lessons in guitar. Sometimes the better you get, the funnier it becomes ;P
And with time you'll slowly get introduced to other activities which you also like. I think it's gonna turn out good, but you need to believe in yourself and take chances.

I think you can reduce the anxiety alot but I don't think it'll ever disappear. But I do believe that the depression will go away completely, if you sort out your life.

And YES, I do hide away and try to put a brave face on, but I'm too emotional, so I always start to cry, when we get anywhere near the subject of "How are you doing?". So my family knows, but they are not as fragile as yours.

 

[Chriiss]

Thanks Aien urmm I'm not sure about joining a football team but I'm definetly going to pick my guitar up a bit more. I just don't think I'm ready socializing with loads of rowdy boys. And seriously won't be able to take anymore low blow comments.

Yee whatkatiedid and I bet it's on your whole familys mind like me with my brother I know my family are thinking about it but will never say anything.

Thanks again guys.