Journey of Jazz
- Thread starter PerseverareJasmine
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PerseverareJasmine
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I really like watching the show Chopped on the Food Network channel, but sometimes I feel a little envious of the contestants on the show because it does seem to me like it'd be fun to have to prepare a meal around surprise ingredients and be creative, but I know I definitely wouldn't be able to do it on public television while also knowing that judges would be scoring whatever dishes I came up with. There's a lot of thinking on your feet and improvising involved to be on the show and that combined with the pressure of the competition would not be a good mix for me. With my luck I'd most likely accidently drop a plate or burn up my food from forgetfulness or cracking under the pressure.
One of my "dream" jobs when I was younger did involve working in the food industry though. I thought it would be nice to save up enough money to open my own restaurant someday, but now I doubt that it'd be a good plan for me. The other dream job idea I had when I was younger was to become an author of children's books, which still seems like an interesting option to me, but I think if I ever do try to pursue it I'd probably have problems with actually getting my ideas written down on paper, keeping myself focused and on track, and being overly self-conscious of what people might say about my work.
One of my "dream" jobs when I was younger did involve working in the food industry though. I thought it would be nice to save up enough money to open my own restaurant someday, but now I doubt that it'd be a good plan for me. The other dream job idea I had when I was younger was to become an author of children's books, which still seems like an interesting option to me, but I think if I ever do try to pursue it I'd probably have problems with actually getting my ideas written down on paper, keeping myself focused and on track, and being overly self-conscious of what people might say about my work.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
Something happened earlier this evening that made me feel pretty surprised even though I guess it isn't that big of a deal. I've become friends with a girl and we've known each other for a pretty long time now. She's one of the few friends that I have offline and I'll occasionally go to see a movie or get coffee with her if I'm feeling up to it and we talk on the phone sometimes. She's told me before that she also feels really nervous in public like I do, but she tries to tolerate it, and it does feel nice to have someone who can sort of relate to some of the things I go through and how I think.
Tonight we talked for maybe about 30 minutes on the phone (which makes me feel self-conscious for many reasons, mostly because I feel like I pause too much and trip over my words since I don't know what to say often and I also don't like my speaking voice), and when we were about to end the call since she wanted to get some sleep because she has work tomorrow morning she said "Okay, it was good talking to you. Love you Jazz, goodnight." I know that she meant it in a platonic sense and it didn't really bother me that she said it (it sort of was nice to hear actually), but it did take me by surprise. I guess it's because nobody outside of my family has ever told me they loved me, neither in a friendly sense or in a romantic sense. Also it's very rare that my family says it to each other so I'm not used to hearing it.
It's hard for me to think of someone considering me to be lovable, I have trouble thinking of myself as even likeable actually. I guess it's because of trouble with my self-esteem. Still, it was kind of sweet to hear it from a friend.
It made me think of how I might feel if a man ever tells me he loves me one day, even though I know that's a different type of situation. I'm not completely fixated on having someone love me in that type of way and it's not like I spend all of my time fantasizing about how it would be, but sometimes I do like to imagine having a man think of me that way someday. Usually it gives me a warm feeling when I imagine it, though the idea sort of scares me at the same time. Or maybe I should say it's more of a butterfly type of feeling mixed with fear more than being downright scared. I guess I just think it'd be nice to really feel like I matter to someone in that way one day as long as they are sincere about loving me.
Tonight we talked for maybe about 30 minutes on the phone (which makes me feel self-conscious for many reasons, mostly because I feel like I pause too much and trip over my words since I don't know what to say often and I also don't like my speaking voice), and when we were about to end the call since she wanted to get some sleep because she has work tomorrow morning she said "Okay, it was good talking to you. Love you Jazz, goodnight." I know that she meant it in a platonic sense and it didn't really bother me that she said it (it sort of was nice to hear actually), but it did take me by surprise. I guess it's because nobody outside of my family has ever told me they loved me, neither in a friendly sense or in a romantic sense. Also it's very rare that my family says it to each other so I'm not used to hearing it.
It's hard for me to think of someone considering me to be lovable, I have trouble thinking of myself as even likeable actually. I guess it's because of trouble with my self-esteem. Still, it was kind of sweet to hear it from a friend.
It made me think of how I might feel if a man ever tells me he loves me one day, even though I know that's a different type of situation. I'm not completely fixated on having someone love me in that type of way and it's not like I spend all of my time fantasizing about how it would be, but sometimes I do like to imagine having a man think of me that way someday. Usually it gives me a warm feeling when I imagine it, though the idea sort of scares me at the same time. Or maybe I should say it's more of a butterfly type of feeling mixed with fear more than being downright scared. I guess I just think it'd be nice to really feel like I matter to someone in that way one day as long as they are sincere about loving me.
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PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I finished watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World for the first time a little while ago. I'm pretty sure my face looked like this for most of the movie:
, and I wasn't sure what direction it was going in for a while, but I ended up really liking it anyway.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I've had these small white marks on my fingernails for years now. I've always wondered what the cause for it might be and I've google searched possible causes for it before, but there are a lot of different possibilities that come up and I don't want to self-diagnose myself. I hardly wear nail polish so some people in the past have noticed and commented on them (not negatively, just making observations). The most noticeable mark is on my left middle finger, but there's also little marks on my right middle and ring finger. I've never had any red-flag symptoms along with their appearance though, so I haven't had it checked out before. I'm not sure if I need to either, it's just kind of strange to me.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I really like a lot of the videos this user named Beatriz uploads on Youtube. This is one of my favorites.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bOwDKVaSh0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bOwDKVaSh0
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
Here's another one I like by Beatriz. I like the singer's voice too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOdAy2PW8Mw
It puts me to sleep, but in a good way, even though that still might sound bad. I have a lot of songs on my "list" that I listen to when I'm trying to get to sleep. I read somewhere that it's better to have complete silence and to have it as dark as it can be in the room when trying to fall asleep, but I think it might come down to preference. I always like some type of background noise when I go to sleep, usually music or the television on low volume. I feel like it helps me get to sleep rather than being irritating. When it's completely silent it feels way too quiet to me and I end up tossing and turning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOdAy2PW8Mw
It puts me to sleep, but in a good way, even though that still might sound bad. I have a lot of songs on my "list" that I listen to when I'm trying to get to sleep. I read somewhere that it's better to have complete silence and to have it as dark as it can be in the room when trying to fall asleep, but I think it might come down to preference. I always like some type of background noise when I go to sleep, usually music or the television on low volume. I feel like it helps me get to sleep rather than being irritating. When it's completely silent it feels way too quiet to me and I end up tossing and turning.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xp22IYL2uU
It'd be great if it were that easy to get rid of my crocodile.
It'd be great if it were that easy to get rid of my crocodile.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I went to go have some quality time with my dog after watching this video earlier today. Some parts of it are highly unrealistic, but I still think it's pretty cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXFldV3ImU0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXFldV3ImU0
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
Sometimes trips with my family give me the feeling that things would probably be easier for them if I weren't around. At times I feel like I'm spoiling their mood or unintentionally making them feel guilty for wanting to go out often because they can tell it's hard for me to enjoy myself most of the time in public. I know it's not a good way to think and it may not be entirely what goes through their minds, but I still get a nagging thought that I ruin some of their plans and it would be more convenient for them without me.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I haven't written in here in a long time and I've actually been planning on leaving the forum, but since the webmaster hasn't responded to my pm asking for him to delete my account yet I guess I might still post here in the meantime. I searched on here for how long it might take for the webmaster to respond and it seems from what I read on another user's thread that I might not get a response for a long while. I don't think I'll post here as often as I used to though. I'll most likely just post if I need to vent, like I do now.
It feels like I've lost a lot lately and I'm pissed off about some circumstances in my life at the time, especially since I pretty much didn't have control over preventing them from happening no matter how hard I tried to, but I'm trying to accept everything that's gone to crap and move forward from it since I guess that's all I can do.
My main goal for now is to work towards moving out, and that involves getting a job. I've been feeling discouraged during my job hunting so far, but still, I am ready to start working again. I'm tired of feeling so dependent on my parents, especially since I don't feel like we're on the best of terms right now. It's kind of scary to me, but I want to start actually living my life for myself and I really think getting out of this house is an important step for me to take.
It feels like I've lost a lot lately and I'm pissed off about some circumstances in my life at the time, especially since I pretty much didn't have control over preventing them from happening no matter how hard I tried to, but I'm trying to accept everything that's gone to crap and move forward from it since I guess that's all I can do.
My main goal for now is to work towards moving out, and that involves getting a job. I've been feeling discouraged during my job hunting so far, but still, I am ready to start working again. I'm tired of feeling so dependent on my parents, especially since I don't feel like we're on the best of terms right now. It's kind of scary to me, but I want to start actually living my life for myself and I really think getting out of this house is an important step for me to take.
Steiner
Well-known member
I hope you can get a job. Don't be in too much of a rush to move out though. You don't want to end up moving back in. I felt like for a time I had to leave this forum too and I did pretty much. I had to take some time and you know I think it was good for me. I think it might be good for you as well. If you feel like taking a break from here. Sometimes one can get too absorbed into these forums, especially when they have nothing else.
This is just the beginning.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
^
This is a late thanks but still, thank you. I feel like taking a step back for a while did help out some.
This is a late thanks but still, thank you. I feel like taking a step back for a while did help out some.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
Thanksgiving did not go smoothly at all. I probably should've expected that though. My mom and older sister came to visit and we had dinner at my dad's apartment. I have no idea what it is about the holiday season that makes my parents even more hostile towards each other. All I know is bitterness, stubborness, faulty communication, and grudges all topped off with alcohol in the system doesn't make for an ideal family dinner.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I went on my first date a couple months ago. I always knew that I would be really nervous if I ever got asked out, but I hoped that no matter how awkward it may be or how badly I might screw it up that it would still at least be a decent experience. Unfortunately, I can't even call the date decent.
I went with a guy I met while I was at work. He came in a few times when I was working in the fitting room and we would briefly talk if it was a slow day without many customers. I was pretty sure in my mind that I didn't make any kind of impression on him, at least not a good one, so I was surprised when he asked for my number. I was a little iffy about giving it to him, but I had developed a bit of a crush on him and he seemed nice enough so I did despite my nervousness. We started texting(which he initaited because I couldn't work up the nerve) and I actually progressed to talking with him over the phone some, although I paused a lot and stuttered over my words most of the time. Still, things were going alright I thought.Then he eventually asked me out to go see a movie. I was extremely freaked out to go and it seemed very much like an out of body type thing to even be going on a date, but I liked him so far and I had those good, excited type of butterflies.
At first the date was going well, aside from me feeling a bit embarrassed and self conscious because he had asked me what was wrong and if I was alright a couple times because I tend to tense up badly when I'm nervous and I'm guessing it must have been obvious to him from my body language and face that I was really out of my element. Then I noticed that he was getting overly hands on. I know people probably have different lines they draw when it comes to touching on a first date, but I feel overall he crossed the line of being reasonable. I would've been alright with him asking to hold my hand or maybe even putting an arm around me, but he just started off putting his hand on my thigh. At first I was thinking it was some kind of accident, but then he started rubbing/slightly squeezing it. Then he tried to do it again after I already told him I wasn't okay with it and it was making me uncomfortable. He sort of chuckled while he said sorry and seemed amused like I was playing some type of game with him. Then toward the end of the movie he asked if I wanted to sneak off and go somewhere dark and private with him to make out. Looking back on it I wish I had just walked out of the theater, but I just told him no then we sat in silence until the movie ended.
When I got home I was irritated and even more uncomfortable when I saw that he had sent me a text telling me to wear something more revealing to our next date because he wanted to show me off and "maybe go further next time." I tried to keep myself from going off on him and just replied that it wasn't going to work out between us and there wouldn't be a second date, which got me a reply from him basically calling me a prude, that I'm missing out, and telling me good luck with finding someone else. Needless to say I blocked him after that.
I do wish I had some kind of rewind or redo button since it's always going to feel like a first experience that I'll never be able to get back, but I can't do anything about that obviously. I guess it did make me realize I need to stick up for myself and maybe sometimes it isn't bad to be confrontational in some cases. I do wish that I had just walked out on him or told him to **** off in some kind of way. I'm more likely to defend someone else, but I shy away usually when it comes to standing up for myself and my feelings, which is something I really need to work on. I can't go back and change it though so I'm just hoping whenever I have another date he'll be more of a gentleman and less of a butt nugget, and if unfortunately he does turn out to be another one I'll speak up and won't just take it out of fear.
I went with a guy I met while I was at work. He came in a few times when I was working in the fitting room and we would briefly talk if it was a slow day without many customers. I was pretty sure in my mind that I didn't make any kind of impression on him, at least not a good one, so I was surprised when he asked for my number. I was a little iffy about giving it to him, but I had developed a bit of a crush on him and he seemed nice enough so I did despite my nervousness. We started texting(which he initaited because I couldn't work up the nerve) and I actually progressed to talking with him over the phone some, although I paused a lot and stuttered over my words most of the time. Still, things were going alright I thought.Then he eventually asked me out to go see a movie. I was extremely freaked out to go and it seemed very much like an out of body type thing to even be going on a date, but I liked him so far and I had those good, excited type of butterflies.
At first the date was going well, aside from me feeling a bit embarrassed and self conscious because he had asked me what was wrong and if I was alright a couple times because I tend to tense up badly when I'm nervous and I'm guessing it must have been obvious to him from my body language and face that I was really out of my element. Then I noticed that he was getting overly hands on. I know people probably have different lines they draw when it comes to touching on a first date, but I feel overall he crossed the line of being reasonable. I would've been alright with him asking to hold my hand or maybe even putting an arm around me, but he just started off putting his hand on my thigh. At first I was thinking it was some kind of accident, but then he started rubbing/slightly squeezing it. Then he tried to do it again after I already told him I wasn't okay with it and it was making me uncomfortable. He sort of chuckled while he said sorry and seemed amused like I was playing some type of game with him. Then toward the end of the movie he asked if I wanted to sneak off and go somewhere dark and private with him to make out. Looking back on it I wish I had just walked out of the theater, but I just told him no then we sat in silence until the movie ended.
When I got home I was irritated and even more uncomfortable when I saw that he had sent me a text telling me to wear something more revealing to our next date because he wanted to show me off and "maybe go further next time." I tried to keep myself from going off on him and just replied that it wasn't going to work out between us and there wouldn't be a second date, which got me a reply from him basically calling me a prude, that I'm missing out, and telling me good luck with finding someone else. Needless to say I blocked him after that.
I do wish I had some kind of rewind or redo button since it's always going to feel like a first experience that I'll never be able to get back, but I can't do anything about that obviously. I guess it did make me realize I need to stick up for myself and maybe sometimes it isn't bad to be confrontational in some cases. I do wish that I had just walked out on him or told him to **** off in some kind of way. I'm more likely to defend someone else, but I shy away usually when it comes to standing up for myself and my feelings, which is something I really need to work on. I can't go back and change it though so I'm just hoping whenever I have another date he'll be more of a gentleman and less of a butt nugget, and if unfortunately he does turn out to be another one I'll speak up and won't just take it out of fear.
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PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
I was sitting near my dog in the living room earlier, petting him and humming to him as he was falling asleep. He was breathing softly which turned into a light snore as he started to drift off. Tom and Jerry was playing low on the tv in the background and I was thinking about how cute he looked dozing off and how much I loved these sweet moments with him, when all of a sudden he just lets one rip, a smelly one too. Thanks for messing up the tender moment Spanky. I thought about tooting one off myself as payback, but I guess there weren't enough beans in my system.
Anyway, the Wiz live is coming on tonight and I'm excited for it. I used to watch the movie adaption with Diana Ross as Dorothy a lot when I was younger. It was one of the few movies on the longer side that I could sit through without getting tired of it.
Anyway, the Wiz live is coming on tonight and I'm excited for it. I used to watch the movie adaption with Diana Ross as Dorothy a lot when I was younger. It was one of the few movies on the longer side that I could sit through without getting tired of it.
everdeenkatniss
Well-known member
You're excellent enough, everyone is. I know that sensation though. It's not awesome. I individually always try to discover the doorway for positivity because I know that allowing adverse feelings concept me does not create factors better. I know its very difficult sometimes to be beneficial but its always best to try. As the saying goes "it's not what happens to you, it's how you respond that matters". Remain powerful OP.
PerseverareJasmine
Well-known member
Thats hard to keep in mind for me, but that's nice of you to say everdeenkatniss, thanks.