Is it possible for negative judgements to be just teasing or someone trying to hurt..

[Jim_Bergerac]

us but it wasn't a true reflection of how people see us?

It seems like a lot of people here (me included) developed SA after put downs, bullying or name calling and us believing those judgements were a true and fair assessment of who and how we are and how people see us.

If we took negative judgements so hard, was it ever possible for us to receive a negative judgement which is not how everyone sees us but someone either wanting to pick on us or tease us for cheap laughs or to hurt us or the judgements of someone really critical or shallow who thinks differently from most people?

It just seems like we believed the judgements we received were fair and that is how people see us but I for example could say something nasty about almost anyone if I wanted to - but it doesn't mean what I say is how everyone sees that person.

Did we take the negative judgements wrongly, believing it was how people see us when really it was some insensitive jerk trying to make fun of us for cheap laughs or to hurt us because they didn't like us or because they were very shallow and insensitive? My whole point is - are we believing everyone will judge us negatively for our weaknesses/imperfections when in fact no one really ever is, we're just believing they are because of a handful of arseholes who were trying to hurt us or make fun of us. Tomorrow I could try and put someone down who is overweight and make fun of them to try and get some cheap laughs and to hurt the person if I don't like them. If I did that does it mean that is how everyone thinks of that person? No! So why are we believing it?

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I've never believed any of the insults anyone was ever saying to me. I've always known it was just happening because the person had issues with themselves or others in their lives &, because I'm quiet, decided to take their own issues out on me. As much as it hurt when I was a kid, & hurts now even thinking about it, I knew it was just the people being mean. I don't believe in "just teasing." Every time I've been "just teased" it has hurt, even if the person acts as if, or even says, they don't mean to.

 

[Silvox Black]

Well you see, it is not so much a matter of completely, truly believing what those insults mean, but what the whole view of society is. The whole reason that people would bully those such as us in the first place is because the views of society say that it is permissible. Most likely their intention may have been to hurt, and if they were quite ignorant, they may have firmly believed their insulting words towards you. Whether or not those words were meant to hurt or not is not the question. The true root of the matter is whether or not society's views, which support such hateful behavior, is correct.

 

[Silvox Black]

Did we take the negative judgements wrongly, believing it was how people see us when really it was some insensitive jerk trying to make fun of us for cheap laughs or to hurt us because they didn't like us or because they were very shallow and insensitive? My whole point is - are we believing everyone will judge us negatively for our weaknesses/imperfections when in fact no one really ever is, we're just believing they are because of a handful of arseholes who were trying to hurt us or make fun of us. Tomorrow I could try and put someone down who is overweight and make fun of them to try and get some cheap laughs and to hurt the person if I don't like them. If I did that does it mean that is how everyone thinks of that person? No! So why are we believing it?

Also, you must understand that it is not so simple to deny their insults when you yourself see no evidence to prove otherwise. There are many of us without any physical companions and constant support to help us. It is never as simple as saying no and then having that be true. The world is a damned place, and to think that the majority of people are anything but cruel is, in my opinion, a view that is dangerous indeed.

 

[206Raider]

That's the thing it's hard to believe other things when you have no evidence to prove otherwise. Everybody has had people say things to them in life, it's just that a lot of people here took it personally. I know I have at times when I'm sure it meant nothing just becuase I already felt negatively about myself at the time. I've never been bullied but I've tooken just playful banter personally when I've had bad days. I've gotten much better though and don't believe the things people have said but I still have work to be completely comfortable in social situations.

 

[goldenholds]

I agree that the negative judgments of others are not a true reflection of how society sees us. They are something like those cartoon characters of people where their features are exaggerated grossly. We all have flaws and anyone, ANYONE, could be the center of ridicule for some reason or another. In my case, a distinct feature that I was very self conscious of, was never made fun of. Not even once. Yet my self-consciousness of that one feature fueled my general sense of poor self worth and caused me to be sensitive to the ridicule and exclusion that I did receive. I can only look back now and think that the only reason I was put down was because someone else had a need to put others down, and I let them. I do not allow that now, but looking back I see that I just did not have the ability to stop it, or even try to begin to stop it. I was completely helpless, and I do not know why. I was not even picked on a whole lot, I was generally able to melt into the background and avoid any type of attention. Except every time I tried to come into the foreground it would always end in ridicule, exclusion, or just me becoming anxious. So I just stayed in the background. Wasn’t fun.

 

[goldenholds]

This is just a thought, but is it possible that the bullies have hijacked authority from the real authority figures? When we are kids we are taught from birth to obey and be submissive to authority figures, ie. parents, teachers, etc. Would it not be possible then, that if someone assumed that role and was behaving towards you the same way your parents and teachers behaved towards you, wouldn't that make you feel helpless to stop it? I think the bullies assumed that authority and used it against you to make themselves feel more powerful, thereby relieving some of their own insecurities. It had nothing to do with you at all, but it sure made you feel like it was.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

This is just a thought, but is it possible that the bullies have hijacked authority from the real authority figures? When we are kids we are taught from birth to obey and be submissive to authority figures, ie. parents, teachers, etc. Would it not be possible then, that if someone assumed that role and was behaving towards you the same way your parents and teachers behaved towards you, wouldn't that make you feel helpless to stop it? I think the bullies assumed that authority and used it against you to make themselves feel more powerful, thereby relieving some of their own insecurities. It had nothing to do with you at all, but it sure made you feel like it was.

Maybe yes. Bullies do act in a forceful way telling you these negative things, there is that sense of power there.
I think most people may receive one negative hurtful judgement on themselves and usually are able to dismiss it and not let it have much effect on themselves, but once you get repeated negative judgements on a part of yourself you can start to become self conscious of people seeing that part of you to protect yourself from further negative judgements. But it then seems to get mixed up in translation - you start to believe if people see that part of you that you will get judged negatively - but there was nothing to say everyone thinks that way when you became self conscious.