Is it me or my parents?

[SlipStream7]

I'm 19/M, going into sophmore year of college, currently working a full-time job for the summer and living with parents.

I can't exactly classify my parents into a type, but they strike me as the authoritarian type because of the way I turned out. I was adopted as a baby and somewhere along the line I developed some kind of anxiety disorder. I have symptoms of HH, SA, OCD, and AvPD (maybe even more).

I started smoking weed in college and continued to smoke in my bathroom during the summer. My mom is extremely uneducated and ignorant, my dad is hard to categorize. He seems to agree with me under the surface and he seems intelligent, but in EVERY situation he sides with my mom, and she's stubborn and acts immaturely....often ending arguments by crying and ignoring everything people say.

Anyways, they found out yesterday that I use cannabis and we had the biggest family blow-up of all time. I finally grew some balls and stood up to my dad, raising my voice at him for the first time definitely surprised him and it felt great for me to do that. But, of course...as I've dealt with my entire life....my dad came to my room and we had a 1 on 1 "discussion."

"Discussions" with my dad are actually just him talking "at" me, repeating what I say with looks of disgust and misunderstanding, and then telling me that because something is illegal that it's wrong. He completely ignored the websites and info I pulled up about cannabis facts, and completely shat on me when I finally said "I'm 19 damn years old and you literally treat me as if I'm 14."

He just won't disagree with good-old mom, never....ever. Mom is ALWAYS right, and when she isn't, she says "we're horrible parents, look at the spoiled brats we raised, I'm done with this, make your own choices, i'm done", then she cries, then she yells at me some more telling me that I actually can't make my own choices, etc ETC FUCKING ETC.

What kind of parenting strategy revolves around the idea that the child is always wrong?

At age 19 I realize the rebelling that puberty brings, and how the teen years are tough.....but I'm passed the age where I should have to rebel. At 19 shouldn't I be able to choose what to do instead of having my parents tell me that I can't do something?


I just needed somewhere to vent....does anyone here have similar parents or situations? I have no doubt this type of parenting has probably led to my current condition, but I don't know where to go from here.....how can I tell my parents that they need to stop controlling my life ? Their excess control has caused me to turn down social opportunities, meet with friends, etc.....and it actually angers me....because my life is fucked up now because of the way they raised me, and they still don't understand it.

Because there is no other way to portray my parents, here are 2 almost exact-quote argument exerts we've had:

Dad: "Brandon, DO you realize the consequences this drug can have on your life? DO you really understand?"

Brandon: "Yes I do, and I am old enough to..."

Dad: "No, you don't understand. This really is a big deal, it's illegal."

Brandon: "Yes it is, and alcohol was illegal during prohibition. It's really not a big deal, if we can work together as a family on this, I can work towards stopping smoking. If you let me smoke in my bathroom until then, it would be better because I'm in a safe environment at home. We can hang out as a family if you don't want me by myself if I'm high, it's seriously not a big part of my life, it's just entertainment value before bed."

Dad: "If it's not a big part of your life, then why not just stop right now?"

Brandon: "Because if I said that, you'd force me to hand over all of my pot and smoking equipment.

Dad: "So? You shouldn't have those things anyways, and if you're stopping smoking you shouldn't care about keeping them."

Brandon: "I paid for those things with my money. I don't need you managing my possessions. And besides....if it isn't a big deal to me, and it is a big deal for you, then can't we work on getting you and mom informed on cannabis so you can at least understand the facts?"

Dad: "Your mom isn't interested in that...if it isn't a big deal just stop smoking and hand over your stuff."

<You can see this isn't going anywhere>
<This argument ended with my Dad saying I pretty much have to stop smoking or else he will do everything in his power to make my life suck, including taking the car away and having my mom drive me to work (she'd never do it, but he still threatened it), disabling internet, no TV, etc...>

The second example is from dinner yesterday. Everything was fine but then my mom decided to bring up the weed again. She is extremely easy to read, and I knew from her initial comment that she wanted to rekindle the argument and shit on me even more, so I played the pacifist card, talking in a low, exhausted voice. Anyway, she wasn't getting anywhere with me, so she yells at my sister....who hasn't said a word....and you know why? She fucking yelled at my sister and grounded her for 2 weeks because she didn't say to me: "Brandon I don't like that you're doing drugs, it makes me sad." My sister doesn't even give a shit about the drug thing, but because she didn't have the same opinion as my mom, she got in trouble......wtf?!


Am I alone here? Am I really just a spoiled brat who should be content having his life dominated by his parents at the age of 19+?

Most importantly.....how the FUCK do you get any control against your parents....when they end all arguments by saying "We're taking away the car, the internet, and anything else in your life that we own unless you do what we say."

 

[toothpastekisses]

................

 

[SlipStream7]

I'm extremely good at reading people, figuring things out quickly, and especially good at winning arguments. I've debated some extremely controversial topics and opened many people's eyes to the reality of things rather than what CNN spoon feeds them.....

But there is no way to win an argument with idiots. Yes, my parents ARE idiots. I won't deny that I am an idiot at times too, but I just need to come out and say it....my parents are not all-powerful gods....they are ignorant.

Look at it subjectively (or objectively, idk):
-Parents adopt kid
-Parents raise kid
-Kid ends up with excessive sweating, anxiety, mild panic attacks, depression, OCD tendencies, social skill problems, substance abuse problems, confidence problems, self-consciousness problems, etc etc.


I'm not saying I'm the innocent little naive kid who was misguided into drugs because of my bad parents....but I did lean towards them as an outlet for stress. I was getting stress from home constantly, and the way my parents raised me was enforcing the idea that I'm a spoiled brat and that I shouldn't be stressed out because someone always "has it worse than you."

It boils my blood to think that I've stood by and let this happen to me as I developed...but through my entire life, from as early as I remember, both mom and dad (mainly mom) have felt the need to constantly reiterate that everything they do is "normal" parenting and that all other parents who allow their children more freedom are "bad" parents whose children will be losers and use drugs........hm........I'd rather be a loser who uses drugs rather than someone with a handful of anxiety issues coupled along with hyperhidrosis (which seems like the "main" problem for me....if I cured this I could work on anxiety from there) AND DRUGS.


I have this feeling that I need to confront them, and instead of trying to defend myself against their attacks....maybe I need to target their parenting as the issue by bringing in resources to illustrate that people like me don't just spontaneously appear....we're corrupted over our childhood. The only problem is that I haven't told them I have SA or anything like that because once I told them I have HH they told I was just being paranoid and that I "need a better deodorent." No matter what, despite the fact that I know infinitely more about my disorders, my mom, who barely got out of high school, is confident that I don't have a problem and that I'm just misinformed and that she's right.

This is literally....100% bullshit....I feel like any minute now I'm just going to explode. I'm bottling up so much shit because I know the road ahead has an extremely huge split. Bringing up my parent's ability to actually parent correctly would take this conflict to a different level and once I bring it there, I am not settling until I am satisfied....and with these parents that's the problem...I just don't think this can end peacefully...if I bring up the bad parenting....it's going to invariably end up with my mom bawling, my dad screaming, and me in my room pissed off again. The only alternative outcome would be if I left home, which I already know if probably the worst thing I could do, this needs to be resolved, not avoided.

It's sorta like I have to live my life to the point where I can challenge their threats and not care about the consequences.....but at this point my life would just suck so much more if I tried to challenge my parents.

 

[Victor]

I used to hate my father. I always felt like he didn't trust me, didn't like me and he would treat me like a child well into my twenties. He would force me to work for school and he would force me to go to college. I dropped out off college three times. Twice he forced me to start another degree. I would lose every quarrel with him, for he would play his bloody ace, i.e. he was in charge because he had got the money and I was but a guest (he would use that very word) whom he could kick out of the house whenever it would please him. Like that is a kind of thing you would say to your son!
He was taller & bigger than me, while I was quite a weakling. He was not the violent kind of man, yet I was always scared of him, while at the same time I wished I was strong enough to punch the hell out of him.
My little sister and I have always loved each other, but lately, our father was beginning to start arguments between me and her, and to make her lose her firendship and respect for me. Whenever I talked peacefully with my sister, he would try and try until we would turn against each other.

And then, out of the blue, the man died! I felt sad, for he still was my dad, but I also began to feel a big relief. Months later, I started going to the gym. I wanted to become bigger and more muscular that he had ever been his whole life. I'm not through it yet, and sometimes I still feel a weakling inside, even though people tell me that I look great. My trainer at the gym told me that I should be proud of myself for the results I'm getting, but I never seem to have enough of it. Sometimes, I still feel a weak teenager, especially when I'm around men in their fifties or so with some authority.

I don't like to say that, but my father did me a great favour by going away from this world in the nick of time, for something really bad was going to happen otherwise.

 

[SlipStream7]

I hate to say it, but it IS the truth: when my parents are dead, it's going to be the biggest relief of my life.

In fact every time somebody "related" (adoptively related) to me dies, I don't really feel as sad as I think I should feel....I never cry....and my thinking is that it's one less person I have to worry about. One less burden.

The funny thing is that I was "the child" in our two-child family (sister is adopted too). I noticed it at the start of the summer.....I was bragged about to family friends as the full-time intern who is going on to success in neuroscience. I didn't really enjoy the treatment because under the surface I felt like it was all superficial...

....they talk about me being so great because it makes them look like better parents, that's it.

But as soon as they found out about pot....I became the toilet. Despite the fact that I'm getting my college education and am holding a 40-hour a week job (what the fuck else could you ask for from a 19 year old?!), the word "drugs" has overwritten everything in their minds. Even if I had made a major scientific discovery winning me a nobel prize.....my parents would still shit on me about the weed.....

They can't seem to think correctly. If you can smoke weed, be successful at a job, and be in school......there is no problem. They can only focus on one thing at a time, weed. Once you add something else into the equation they're like "wait, wait, wait a minute.....forget about that....you SMOKE weed! that's drugs!!!"

It's possibly the MOST frustrating thing imaginable when you're arguing with someone with more power than you about something they just don't get.

 

[Victor]

It's possibly the MOST frustrating thing imaginable when you're arguing with someone with more power than you about something they just don't get.

+1

I've felt like this a thousand times. I recall now when one day i came home from school with a bad score and an outstanding one (the best ever for me). My father completely ignored the latter and lectured the hell out of me for the former. Needless to say, my scores worsened. I was 13 or so.

 

[SlipStream7]

I feel like I understand so much more about life than my parents do, yet they don't understand any of the philosophies I try to tell them about.


My main issue is that my parents don't seem to understand that we are human beings, animals.....it doesn't matter that we're advanced as shit and are head of the world....we're animals with natural, earthly, living, rights.....NO other animal can tell me what I can and can't do.....but ya know...since everyone is so fucking stupid, people seem to think there's some kind of obedience system going on and that we actually do have to obey some people......but no, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO LISTEN TO OR OBEY ANYONE ELSE. Doesn't matter if it's your parents or your wife...because who are they? They're just other human beings who've lived longer than you (except the wife maybe, lol). Obviously from this situation you can tell that age doesn't mean wisdom.....so why does anyone accept and submit their will to anyone else?

Aren't we ourselves the only ones fit to make our decisions? Isn't self-control preferred over big brother? The world is seriously fucked and I feel like I'm the only one who actually understands that we are animals being told what to do by other animals....the only difference is that they're OLDER animals...sometimes they're DUMBER animals, sometimes not....the point is, what is more important: age, or intellect?

 

[SlipStream7]

Bump because I'm bored at work.

 

[Richey]

Its fair to say that the extreme authoritarian, conservative parents who want to chain you to your room and dictate your beliefs or actions really shouldnt have kids in the first place as they've got it all twisted in a knot, there is a difference between discipline and doing it properly while still influencing free-thinking and parents who try to run your life and use guilt and worry as methods to manipulate their kids, in my case it was extreme ...

i remember my sister came home late from a night out and simply forgot to call home at dinner time, so my dad cracked it, packed his bags and used lines such as "you'll both be the death of me" .."after all we've done for you" ..."your not my kids" ..., if he disagreed with you he'd scream and yell like nothing ive heard before, it reminde d me of a caged angry bulldog, like that ... uncompromising, unreasonable, pathetic

my parents were never really party people either, never took that many risks and everytime i walked out the front door i'd get your typical mother comment "be careful" .."its too cold, maybe go later" ..."drive carefully"

(i dont care that they weren't party people either, i dont judge them, it was more their condescending during conversations at the dinner table, the constant belief that their way is the only way or its the highway, bullshit like that, the angry tone of voice from both parents over literally trivial things like not washing up a glass after only just using it)

yeh it shows they care, but you know what i'd rather they just joke around and say the opposite "get a parking ticket today", something silly like that just to lighten up the mood ...

it was always tense at the dinner table and if i was holding my knife and fork wrong i'd be greeted with hours upon hours of lectures about why i'll never succeed and them talking through my failings in life etc...useful crap like that, and why you should always have your elbows on the table while holding the cutlery, don't leave the newspaper open on the table

unfortunately i feel like i'll never be close to either of my parents, both are very old fashioned and strict and its only since we've both moved out that they've chilled a little but living under the same roof was tricky and hard ....

i grew up scared of my dad and i can recall a few of my friends saying to me that "your dad scared me today, his tone of voice and attitude" ..

he is condescending at times

other times my dad would go from that to joking around and being friendly, it was odd at times

regarding me not going out on weekends very often i'd get comments mostly from mum ..stuff like

"most kids your age are out drinking every night, what is wrong with you"?

"you are the most solitary person ive ever known"

"i didnt realise you'd turn out like this" ..

horrible, there has to be some sort of think before you speak protocol like being subtle and helpful instead of making it worse eh??

 

[SlipStream7]

I've calmed down from the issue.... (that's another thing...I'm probably bipolar too)....and now I'm just going to tell them I've stopped. I'm going to cut down on how much I smoke and move some items around to make smoking weed something that I won't consider a risk.

After watching someone's reaction on a tv show yesterday....I realized that no matter what, through yelling, intelligent discussion, or any other means.....my parents will never side with me. They're minds are as solid on the issue as mine is, and regardless of how hard I try, they just can't get their minds past "OMG ITS ILLEGAL DONT DO IT OMG! ITZ BAD N STUFF"

You can't upgrade an old Dell with Windows 95 to Windows Vista, it just doesn't have the capability. Same here, my parents lack the thinking skills necessary to understand that "Illegal" does not necessarily mean "Bad," and that the "professional" news sources reporting about marijuana already have an agenda to demonize the plant, regardless of scientific results.


I think I can summarize it with the following:

-We live in a world where people believe they have some kind of divine right to control other people. Instead of people having more power because of intellect, wisdom, or wit....they have more power because of age, looks, experience, race, etc. People in today's society have more power than others for every conceivable reason EXCEPT the one that should matter most: intelligence.

-Our society is based upon the idea that we are intelligent, so everything in the world is designed for intelligent people....especially laws. Laws have restricted us to the point where we can be sued for touching someone....so what has that left us with? Intelligent discussion. The problem? You can't have an intelligent discussion with someone who has more power than you if they're approach to the issue is blunt-force blackmail ("do this or else!").



How the FUCK are we supposed to get anything done when we know we're right, we know they're wrong, they're in charge, and all they can do is act like a middle schooler and blackmail you.

 

[Lexmark]

Parents have an influence over there kids that noone else can.
Its a shame when there excesivly negative or strict. They just had the same things done to them.

 

[SlipStream7]

"They just had the same things done to them."

This might be true for some, but it is NOT a "get out of jail free" card. I know for a fact that I would never be as controlling over my future children's lives as my parents are over mine. My parenting strategy is focused on the opposite: help my kids become as autonomous as possible.

 

[Lexmark]

Of course its not
I dont speak to my mother coz of the way she was.
I was just trying to get across that its not the persons fault that hes parents are like that. Some people can feel that way.
And noone has kids thinking they will be like there parents. But it happends all the time from being strict to even sexual assault.

 

[SlipStream7]

When people say "Everyone says [A], but they all end up doing " it drives me up the wall.

Generalizing is intellectually retarded, and for people who don't realize it, when people tell them generalizations they should fall into, they're subconsciously considering and leaning towards that.

If you tell a child that everyone says they won't do drugs, but they all end up doing drugs....that child will have a higher chance of doing drugs than if you said nothing at all.

I'm not trying to call you out or anything, I'm just bored at work, am pissed off and bipolar as usual, and want weed.

 

[SlipStream7]

I think the trend seems to be that people with SAD often have parents who were too intrusive in their lives. Whether it was by giving them everything they want or by implementing strict rules and not changing the way they treat them when they're older, the overpowering influence of the parents has not allowed the children to have enough social experiences.


The funny thing is that our parents watch tv shows and read books about "How to Parent" that are written by other parents of the same generation.....and then they turn around to us and act like that book or show is the bible from God himself and that it's the best and only way to parent.

 

[Victor]

The funny thing is that our parents watch tv shows and read books about "How to Parent" that are written by other parents of the same generation.....and then they turn around to us and act like that book or show is the bible from God himself and that it's the best and only way to parent.

My parents would eat those books raw, but still made mistakes, i.e. pissed me off for years. They would talk about independence and treat me like a child. The books just turned them into smart parrots, but they would make very limited use of the advice contained within them.

 

[SlipStream7]

It almost makes the whole parenting thing seem malicious in the context of the types parents we're discussing.

These types of parents "read" parenting guides and then act as if "doing their homework" gives them enough credibility as parents to do whatever they want in the parenting realm and have that book/show as a fallback if they're critiqued.