Interaction leaving me obsessing over it.

[myheartisastone]

This is a situation that has been bothering me for a while.

Like most anxiety and OCD sufferers (I believe I have both) my mind tends to not let certain things go. It obsesses over them constantly -- and then I am stuck in the loop of wishing "if only I didn't say ___ or didn't do ___ or wasn't there" ... I know logically that it's irrational, but that doesn't help.

This happened months ago, yet it still bothers me,

Okay, so .... I'm a tutor at a college. Generally I enjoy helping people and i'm not nervous when i'm one-on-one tutoring. Generally, if I know what I am doing I see little reason to be anxious. If I am tutoring one or more people at the same time, it creates more of a challenge but nothing I can't handle. Tutoring students is the easy part.

The "hard" part is the less linear part of interacting with the rest of the staff. Generally everyone is nice there, the front desk workers greet me with a smile ... I don't have any logical reason to feel as if they are constantly judging me, but I do. Constantly. Every time someone is whispering near me, I am convinced it's something about me.

You could call this "Ego" ... as in "why do you assume they're talking about YOU?" but it's not really like that. I guess it's more like paranoia ... as in "well, why wouldn't they be?" I am convinced that everyone can "See" my anxiety and is simply being "nice" by ignoring it. Not rational, but that's how it is.

So, this is the event that i'm muelling over. In my workplace, there are peer tutors (me) and professional tutors (higher staff) and bosses, about two disability specialists. One of them is very nice and always smiles and says hi to me -- the other (both are female, not that it matters) I am convinced does not like me for whatever reason. In general, I assume by default that no one likes me, and are simply tolerating me because they are being polite.

So, i'm in the break room, just sitting there talking to one of my bosses about what kind of cupcakes I am going to bring for the halloween party. It's going okay, and since she's nice I don't feel uncomfortable talking to her. Or rather, not as uncomfortable. Generally I feel uneasy talking to people but for the purposes of trying to appear normal I attempt to socialize. I can have conversations easily if I know a lot about the topic. I generally hate small talk, though. It's awkward.

So, while she's talking to me, the disability specialist woman comes in (the one who appears to not like me), comes in and starts talking about my boss about this movie she saw, and her plans for the weekend. I'm just sitting there, awkwardly, because i'm not part of the conversation, so I was looking at a flyer on the table. Generally I feel like "background noise" whenever people are talking around me and i'm not involved, but i've gotten kind of used to it. So used to it, that when the disability specialist lady decided to ask me a question and acknowledge my presence (which I did not expect her to), It caught me off guard and unprepared to answer. She asked a simple question "Have you seen the new james bond movie?" simple, right? only, not for me. So I quickly muttered "No, I haven't seen it. " And nothing else. She did not respond or seem to be impressed with that answer - and went on talking to my boss about the movie. In an effort to try to add to the conversation but not knowing what else to say, I again said I haven't seen it.

And so she responds, "well, of COURSE you haven't seen it. You don't even know what i'm talking about." In a really (which sounded to me, like) a very rude, condesending way. In general I would say that is how people talk to me, but in the moment I was too nervous to explain that YES, I did know which movie she was talking about, I just couldn't say it.

So, from that moment on, I felt as if my entire day had been ruined, and as if I was stupid and socially inept and all of the other negative thoughts that come flowing to my mind. I generally get a "feel" for people ... from her, I don't really get a good vibe. It isn't just because of my experience with her, but other observed experiences with her. I'm generally quiet and introverted, so I observe a lot. Whether this gives off the impression to others that I am "stupid" or "snobby" or whatever, I don't know, but all I know is that I can't really help it.

I've noticed the woman mentioned above being kind of rude to others. Not "high" staff of course --- she's nice to them and everyone there seems to like her. I saw her talking to a math tutor one day, and he's a pretty smart, yet elderly man who was talking to her about different mathmatical concepts, and I didnt hear their entire convo, but I did notice that while he was talking, she seemed to be rather impatient and then suddenly abruptly interrupted him with a kind of fake-polite "I have to go to a meeting". As if he were bothering her.

And then, the time when she had to leave her office because something was wrong with her knee, and I watched as she spent about 10-15 minutes going to each office, talking about it and nearly almost bragging about it, as if she wanted some sort of sympathy. I don't know, it was weird. No one else in the office acts like her ... it's like she has some sort of smug superiority. Although her age doesn't really matter, she's middle aged and I guess since she has been at the college for a while, this means she thinks she's better than "lower staff"? I don't know.

Does anyone else feel this way? ... or am I overreacting ... did it appear what she said to me was rude? I don't know. I feel like i'm stuck in some sort of nightmare.

 

[myheartisastone]

I meant "to" my boss, not about my boss ... sorry, should have checked it before submitting..

 

[socialorphan]

From the way you describe her she seems like a more outgoing person who really likes attention. There are some people who are like that who can't stand silence and want everyone to talk and talk and talk. They hate it when people shut up.

I've dealt with some people like that. They want you to respond to what they say with loud flashy expressive answers to help them feel more important. If you don't provide them with that then they lose interest in interacting with you and usually act rude or just ignore you. I don't know if this woman is like that, but it sounds like she could be.

Like when her knee was hurting. She wanted people to express how deeply troubled they were about it and give her sympathy just as you said. She gets a feeling of validation from it and by giving mumbling and short answers you don't give her that feeling.

I wouldn't feel too bad about it, she's probably already forgotten about it.

 

[myheartisastone]

From the way you describe her she seems like a more outgoing person who really likes attention. There are some people who are like that who can't stand silence and want everyone to talk and talk and talk. They hate it when people shut up.

I've dealt with some people like that. They want you to respond to what they say with loud flashy expressive answers to help them feel more important. If you don't provide them with that then they lose interest in interacting with you and usually act rude or just ignore you. I don't know if this woman is like that, but it sounds like she could be.

Like when her knee was hurting. She wanted people to express how deeply troubled they were about it and give her sympathy just as you said. She gets a feeling of validation from it and by giving mumbling and short answers you don't give her that feeling.

I wouldn't feel too bad about it, she's probably already forgotten about it.

yea. I have nothing against extroverted people, but I am generally intimidated by her and I am equally unimpressed. People who just act showy in person and come off as rude to me, don't really impress me.

I guess I could have tried more, though.

"No, I haven't seen the movie. *jazz hands* *tap dance* *says it in about 40 languages.*

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I know how you feel. I especially hate it when I think people are whispering or talking about me. I am also uncomfortable during conversations unless I know a lot about the topic and do most of the talking....small talk, usually makes me very anxious.

 

[jaim38]

I find myself doing just that. After some negative experiences in class, I find my mind repeating the same scenarios over again like a broken record. It's annoying, but I know it will die down in 1-3 days.

 

[Froggy246]

"No, I haven't seen the movie. *jazz hands* *tap dance* *says it in about 40 languages.*

:lol:

Some personality types are just not compatible, I work in education as well, not that it makes a difference, but there are some people that I find avoid me because I just don't give them what they need.

I'm a smoker and one thing I really dislike is when someone else is outside smoking at the same time, people will often make a point of going in pairs or in groups so they can catch up and chit chat, but I find it rather torturous thinking of things to say to keep the conversation going in those few minutes, I often find my self stretching out the syllables of words, or repeating them in song to fill up any potential gap.

I really struggle with paranoia at work as well, I can interpret subtle behaviours as someone hating my guts, such as a look or lack of pleasantries. I often think I'm incredibly perceptive until (on rare occasions) I ask someone directly this or that, and then it turns out that I'm just incredibly paranoid. Only trouble is I don't think I'll win many friends if I am constantly asking people if they hate me or if I've done something wrong, but when I don't I am left tormenting myself for the whole week.

Why does it cause sooo much anguish to entertain the possibility that we are not approved of?

 

[oddOne]

All of the following quotes [from you] closely approximate how social interactions also affect me; even your manner of "breaking it down" is akin to my own.

. . . but I find it rather torturous thinking of things to say to keep the conversation going in those few minutes, I often find my self stretching out the syllables of words, or repeating them in song to fill up any potential gap.

With exceedingly few [if any] exceptions, every social interaction is treated by my mind as a moment in which I must "perform," as opposed to [genuine] expression. I consequently scrutinize everything I [and others] do.

I really struggle with paranoia at work as well, I can interpret subtle behaviours as someone hating my guts, such as a look or lack of pleasantries. I often think I'm incredibly perceptive until (on rare occasions) I ask someone directly this or that, and then it turns out that I'm just incredibly paranoid. Only trouble is I don't think I'll win many friends if I am constantly asking people if they hate me or if I've done something wrong, but when I don't I am left tormenting myself for the whole week.

Ditto on this; I'd elaborate . . . but I've had a busy couple of months . . . and I need some rest.

Why does it cause sooo much anguish to entertain the possibility that we are not approved of?

Until now, I'd not considered that I invest far too much thought into whether I MIGHT be viewed in even a marginally negative way as a result of me doing something, anything.