So this weekend was suppose to be the first of many that I actually try to get out and do something, since I'm so very good at doing the opposite. Well this weekend blew huge effing balls. I hope I'm allowed to say that. It had it's moments but over all I'd say no. Not only was it brought to my attention more that I'm incredibly unhappy with myself and every single thing around me but just yesterday I had an epiphany. Sitting in a car waiting on a friend of mine I realized everything I dislike I can change..real brain buster, I know. It was more of a clear path on how I could fix or start rebuilding the things I need to change or have let go to waste. For a second it gave me hope and made me think that I might be able to do this for myself, in small steps of course. And to think my plans for a new life started in the parking lot of a gas station. The next thing you should know is that I'm a sucker for lists..I love to have them around and I love to make them. I'd plan my whole future in a list if I could without the spontaneity of life getting in the way.
But my problem is that after realizing how completely tired I am with life and getting myself all worked up about changing it, I don't want to. I did make a list actually of what I'd like to have done by the end of this closing year, mapped out everything I need to do and still nothing. So basically I let myself get stuck in this weird limbo inducing funk where time seems to stop and I have no life or job, stayed there for awhile and got use to it and now I'm so comfortable with disliking everyone and everything it seems that I don't want to bother trying for some happieness.
Case in point, I think I like living in my rut in life even though I know I can't stay like this. I just feel no motivation to change it though.
But my problem is that after realizing how completely tired I am with life and getting myself all worked up about changing it, I don't want to. I did make a list actually of what I'd like to have done by the end of this closing year, mapped out everything I need to do and still nothing. So basically I let myself get stuck in this weird limbo inducing funk where time seems to stop and I have no life or job, stayed there for awhile and got use to it and now I'm so comfortable with disliking everyone and everything it seems that I don't want to bother trying for some happieness.
Case in point, I think I like living in my rut in life even though I know I can't stay like this. I just feel no motivation to change it though.