In the process of getting a bf..

[missjesss]

I am dreading the point where you get asked to meet all his friends and bring your gfs along, how do you tell someone about this problem! its so shameful :-(
how do you tell someone ah I dont have many real friends just clubbing friends and I rlly like this guy I think we have a great connection hmmm

 

[Aussie_Lad]

You just have to do it in your own time and in your own way. I am sure he'll be understanding, and if for whatever reason he isn't, then he's probably not worth being with long term anyway.

 

[hoddesdon]

It is not shameful. Feeling like that is part of the problem. Susie O'Neill, the former swimmer, who is the joint record-holder for the number of gold medals, has social phobia and recently appeared in an advertisement for swimming-pools. Others include Kim Basinger, Barbara Streisand, Malcolm Fraser (in my opinion) etc

 

[inspirer]

*deleted message

 

[missjesss]

yeah I am just dreading it but I do rlly like him :-(

 

[mads]

yeah I am just dreading it but I do rlly like him :-(

You shouldnt be worried. It is you he likes and not your friends. Remember that

You will be fine I am sure

 

[missjesss]

thank you but I also worry that when we go into social situations I might be not like myself that he sees when we r at home :-(

 

[Tiercel]

You don't have to hit him with it all at once when you do tell him. Find a way to reveal your condition to him one symptom at a time. If he doesn't stick around, he'll just see them as quirks and not necessarily a psychological disorder. If he does stick around, by the time you connect the dots for him it could be more of a revelation than an apocalypse.

Which of these examples would you prefer?

1) Hey, baby! I have social anxiety disorder. Don't worry, it's not contagious. When am I meeting your mother?

2) Hello. I don't really do crowds. I hate meeting new people because I'm always afraid that I'll say something stupid. I don't have many friends because not many people my age appreciate (fill in the blank). Guys always make me nervous. Guys in positions of authority make me feel sick.... Eventually you can tell him it's all connected.

And I must confess that the title of this thread initially made me chuckle. I imagined you going to a factory and looking at a few floor models, picking out which features you wanted in a man, and having a boyfriend custom built for yourself. If only....

 

[missjesss]

hahahahaha well I did manage to go out to dinner with him last night i cud feel my s.a kicking in when having to talk to waitresses etc and then him i just dont get it i am fine at home!! its bizarre yes I know my forum post is a little funny ;p

 

[PunkRotten]

As long as you be yourself you will be fine. But if you fight who you are the more insecure, anxious, and worried you will be. Don't you see how this works? You fear being yourself cause others might not accept it, but all you do is send yourself deeper into insecurity. Again, as long as you are yourself people will like you. If this guy and his family or friends do not like you, that is their problem.

 

[missjesss]

no no, I am being myself its just when I'm in public its so hard to not notice the ppl around me and my surroundings I always think ppl r judging me and what I say so it makes me appear more quiet or uptight ... ppl with s.a should know this..

 

[tiscircle]

The getting judged part is the problem. Just make a simple convo with ppl and find a reason that ppl aren't judgemental during the convo. Not sure whether this will work though.

 

[PunkRotten]

no no, I am being myself its just when I'm in public its so hard to not notice the ppl around me and my surroundings I always think ppl r judging me and what I say so it makes me appear more quiet or uptight ... ppl with s.a should know this..

I understand all that. But the goal is to stop caring about what others think. Eventually you will get to that point but it takes work. But for the time being accept who you are and be yourself, because this is part of who you are.

 

[Kinetik]

I agree with Punkrotten in the sense that not-caring is the ultimate goal, but getting to that point is tough.

One thing that really helped me was to realize that the more confident I acted in public, the less out-of-place I looked. In the past I had a tendency to slouch and to speak as if I was unsure of the things I was saying, and my lack of self-esteem was very apparent. It came to a crunch when I saw myself on someone's video camera this one time - I was horribly surprised at how meek and unconfident I looked.

So from the next day onwards, I made an effort to stand upright, to walk and talk slowly and with purpose, and to breathe deeply and calmly when I felt nervous. It made a huge difference. Of course, internally I still feel the same fears we all do, but on the surface I can at least come off more or less the way I want to. It doesn't always work - in my previous post I mentioned nervousness around groups of people in social settings and so I'm still not all the way there, but there is something to be said for fake-it-til-you-make-it.

So I would say practice appearing self-assured externally and see if it makes a difference regarding being less conscious of your surroundings.

 

[PunkRotten]

Yeah I have found that the more you fight it and try not to appear nervous, anxious etc the more you look and act it. People do notice and people do not find it that weird if you are a little shy or nervous. But you have to accept that you are this way in the first place. Life is not a on script, in other words it does not mean this is how your life will be forever.

I have found that accepting who I am regardless of my problems helped me improve with my problems. It just takes some courage and willingness to take risks too.