In love with my professor...

TreeBones

Well-known member
As the title says... I'm in love with my teacher.
When I first saw him I right away noticed how attracted I was to him, but it wasn't until after being around him and hearing him so often that I realized I was in love with him.

I've never been "in love" with anyone before.. and it's really scary. I had hoped that this was just an infatuation that I'd have to get over eventually but.. It's not. I've never dreamt so much about a person in my life. I've never been so interested and worried for anyone like this before.. Ever. I've never even thought of him in a sexual way.. not saying I don't want him like that but my feelings for him are more platonic than anything.

there are so many things that are wrong though.
First, he's married.
Second, he's 37 and I'm 18
And third, ... I'm just too dysfunctional to be with anone in the first place.

He hasn't been inappropriate with me but there Have been a couple times when I've caught him staring at me and then he'll quickly look away. He always looks at me right after he says something funny to see my reaction. He blurts my name out sometimes when he means to call on someone else. And he always waves and smiles when he says hi to me, I don't really see him wave at anyone else..I don't know what to think of any of this. Because sometimes it seems like he's attracted to me and other times it doesn't. Not that any of it should matter I suppose.

I want to just get away from him because he's married but I truly think I would be depressed if I didn't see him and I can't drop his class. I feel so dirty about liking him this much. I don't t feel comfortable telling anyone I know, even my therapist. .. I just don't know what to do..
 
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NamiraWilhelm

Well-known member
It's absolutely infatuation. Which is still a very strong emotion, a very consuming emotion, but it's not love. That's just not what love is. You've created a fantasy in your head, you have no idea what this man is really like.

It doesn't matter if he likes you back, if you can be in a relationship, if you can read this or that into his actions or words. This is bad news. If you're on here you're already a delicate person, this is just psychological torture and feeding this situation would likely make you very unhappy indeed.

You only think you'd be depressed without him because of your obsession, nothing good comes from keeping him in your life. But you can't drop his class.

The best thing for you is to stop this infatuation as much as you can. Distract your mind, create a list of things you can think about to change your thought patterns to when ever you're thinking about him, focus on the negatives and how very impractical this crush is, take up a new hobby, focus your attraction to someone else like a fictional character or celebrity, focus on self improvement and your studies, step up your efforts to overcome your mental health issues, plan your future. Anything, absolutely anything to get your mind off of something that's so potentially detrimental to your well-being.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
It's absolutely infatuation. Which is still a very strong emotion, a very consuming emotion, but it's not love. That's just not what love is. You've created a fantasy in your head, you have no idea what this man is really like.

It doesn't matter if he likes you back, if you can be in a relationship, if you can read this or that into his actions or words. This is bad news. If you're on here you're already a delicate person, this is just psychological torture and feeding this situation would likely make you very unhappy indeed.

You only think you'd be depressed without him because of your obsession, nothing good comes from keeping him in your life. But you can't drop his class.

The best thing for you is to stop this infatuation as much as you can. Distract your mind, create a list of things you can think about to change your thought patterns to when ever you're thinking about him, focus on the negatives and how very impractical this crush is, take up a new hobby, focus your attraction to someone else like a fictional character or celebrity, focus on self improvement and your studies, step up your efforts to overcome your mental health issues, plan your future. Anything, absolutely anything to get your mind off of something that's so potentially detrimental to your well-being.

I agree that this is unhealthy and impractical so I'm going to take your advice and try to get my mind off him. However I certainly know my own feelings. And while I hope you're right about this just being a "fantasy" and infatuation.. I don't believe it is. Just because this a teacher student dynamic doesn't make it any less tangible. If I were to meet him any other place and talk to him I would develop the same feelings.

Thank you so much for your perspective. I think it will help me a lot.
 
I can relate. I didn't think I was in love - I knew it was just a crush for me - and he wasn't married. But I read into his behavior the way you have. Needless to say, I got over it very soon after my last class with him. He is an attractive individual but there are plenty of those out there, my age, not in inappropriate social positions. I know it's easy to say and harder to feel but it's really really true.

NamiraWilhelm's advice is sound, and also I would say - perhaps obviously - to just deal until the semester is over and then never take a class with him again (I did the opposite and signed up for another semester with my professor and it was aaaawkward).
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
First, he's married.

That right there means it's impossible. Please find someone else to focus on.

He hasn't been inappropriate with me but there Have been a couple times when I've caught him staring at me and then he'll quickly look away.

Speaking as a professor, it is hard not to do this sometimes. I don't think it means much of anything. You see, one gets tired of looking at the back wall all the time while lecturing.

He always looks at me right after he says something funny to see my reaction. He blurts my name out sometimes when he means to call on someone else. And he always waves and smiles when he says hi to me, I don't really see him wave at anyone else..I don't know what to think of any of this. Because sometimes it seems like he's attracted to me and other times it doesn't. Not that any of it should matter I suppose.

If I think there is one student who is especially interested in what I'm saying, I may be a little more in tune with them. I wouldn't read too much into it.

I want to just get away from him because he's married but I truly think I would be depressed if I didn't see him and I can't drop his class. I feel so dirty about liking him this much. I don't t feel comfortable telling anyone I know, even my therapist. .. I just don't know what to do..

Find someone who is not married. The married part completely nullifies this, even if one overlooks ethical questions about student/teacher relations.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
That right there means it's impossible. Please find someone else to focus on.



Speaking as a professor, it is hard not to do this sometimes. I don't think it means much of anything. You see, one gets tired of looking at the back wall all the time while lecturing.



If I think there is one student who is especially interested in what I'm saying, I may be a little more in tune with them. I wouldn't read too much into it.



Find someone who is not married. The married part completely nullifies this, even if one overlooks ethical questions about student/teacher relations.

I'm glad that everyone keeps reminding me that he's married (and I mean that, I'm not being sarcastic or anything)
I hope I can learn to cope with this.
 

NamiraWilhelm

Well-known member
You're not going to do yourself any favours by telling yourself you know your own feelings, that this is something special and not merely infatuation. It's completely one sided, of course it isn't love, love is mutual. I don't think you're in the place to see it clearly just yet, not trying to be condescending that's just how obsessions go. Focus on getting better and you'll soon experience genuine love, with someone who can fully love you back away from the minefield of what this situation is.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
You're not going to do yourself any favours by telling yourself you know your own feelings, that this is something special and not merely infatuation. It's completely one sided, of course it isn't love, love is mutual. I don't think you're in the place to see it clearly just yet, not trying to be condescending that's just how obsessions go. Focus on getting better and you'll soon experience genuine love, with someone who can fully love you back away from the minefield of what this situation is.

How was this meant to not sound condescending?
Of course it would be preferable if love was mutual but this is not always the case. That's why it can hurt sometimes.
And I'm not obsessed with him, I don't know where that idea came from. That's like saying every person who ever liked someone is obsessed with them. That's a huge leap from having affection for someone.
I'm in a very good place right now as far as anxiety, school and friends. Just not "romantically sound". I don't like people in that area of my life, which is why I'm confused by this feeling. I'm not asking anyone to support my feelings/decisions but I won't have anyone tell me what isn't. I respect your opinion. I feel like I would of given someone the same stuff if I didn't know them but my own introspection takes priority here.
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
It's completely one sided, of course it isn't love, love is mutual.

I don't see why this has to be mutual to be called "love".

To OP, you probably already know that trying to take this thing further would be inappropriate, whether being his move or yours, and you would end up being hurt. Surely this is not what you want, so just hang in there until the end of the semester and hope to never cross his path ever again :p
 

Odo

Banned
I would suspect your feelings would change if you actually met him outside of the classroom.

It's one thing to be in a teacher-student situation where he is delivering a prepared lecture and you're in the class among others taking notes... and another thing to be facing each other one-on-one outside of class, attempting to find things to talk about. I suspect in that sort of situation, the reality of your differences would you hit pretty hard.

My teaching personality is absolutely nothing like my real personality... I've had students who had absolutely no idea who I was even though they thought they had me all figured out based on my classroom presence, and were surprised by the 'real' me when my co-worker and I took some of them out for pizza once.
 
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TreeBones

Well-known member
Thank you everyone for your input and perspective, I appreciate it.
I'm going to try to take away from this so that I can focus on myself more. I think that would be the healthy and right thing to do.
 
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