I'm sorry. I've made a big mistake making this thread. I realise it can be too triggering/depressing for some members.
- Thread starter BlueDays
- Start date
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
It's D for me, no doubt.
My mother was married to an abusive, stifling, tyrant in my father for fifteen years and she divorced him only to marry another one. I was 13 when her and my dad split, young enough, I believe to overcome the anxiety and PTSD-like symptoms that I had before those ailments became absolutely set in stone. But noooo, instead, I was only free for two years. Two measly, miserable years, time that seems even more pitifully short now that I'm an adult, before my brother and I were plunged back into a world of violence, threats, and stultifying behavior. The second time, in some ways, was even worse than all those years with my dad because the second round completely wrecked my self-esteem. I was making the all-conference team on the football field on Friday nights, only to spend the rest of the week cowering in my room after school because I was having flashbacks to being a defenseless six year old from all of the fighting and gas-lighting tricks and bullshit that were going on in my new "home". When friends of mine were going on dates and talking college I was just trying to work-up the nerve to get my license, which I couldn't even do until I was twenty. When those same friends were getting married and having their first rounds of children I was trying to force myself to go to classes at a local community college where I was twelve years older than everyone else and meet girls online because I'm too anxious to even remotely be myself in real life.
Ugh, that's enough... I'm going down a rotten road in my mind. It is what it is. It could always be worse.
My mother was married to an abusive, stifling, tyrant in my father for fifteen years and she divorced him only to marry another one. I was 13 when her and my dad split, young enough, I believe to overcome the anxiety and PTSD-like symptoms that I had before those ailments became absolutely set in stone. But noooo, instead, I was only free for two years. Two measly, miserable years, time that seems even more pitifully short now that I'm an adult, before my brother and I were plunged back into a world of violence, threats, and stultifying behavior. The second time, in some ways, was even worse than all those years with my dad because the second round completely wrecked my self-esteem. I was making the all-conference team on the football field on Friday nights, only to spend the rest of the week cowering in my room after school because I was having flashbacks to being a defenseless six year old from all of the fighting and gas-lighting tricks and bullshit that were going on in my new "home". When friends of mine were going on dates and talking college I was just trying to work-up the nerve to get my license, which I couldn't even do until I was twenty. When those same friends were getting married and having their first rounds of children I was trying to force myself to go to classes at a local community college where I was twelve years older than everyone else and meet girls online because I'm too anxious to even remotely be myself in real life.
Ugh, that's enough... I'm going down a rotten road in my mind. It is what it is. It could always be worse.
Yes, many times thinking about many similar things. About ... what would be different if id lived with my real father, or even when we all moved together abroad and i didnt stay in this land.
Many times i recalled memories ...what happened in my childhood and changed my direction.... like f.e. i didnd start with theatre (for some stupid reason). Sometimes I feel like there is Something, what gives me obstacles every time, when i decide to make a change.. When i start something new... it goes well..but then stop, like there was someo e who say - not this way! And another funny obstacle appers.
Sometimes I just did make bad decision. Sometimes its like fun.... for someone, who keep his eye on me. Just yesterday... I meet my friend. I didnt see her for eleven years... And i was thinking about those wasted years....was back in 200X... watching myself..
Sometimes i thin, that maybe i did wrong decision and someone (because of that) died. That I could help... but i didn'n.
Later, unfortunately, I met very different ppl, good people, and they teached me a lot. But too late. So i think, yes, it would be very diffrent if I had such different friends around me sooner. Once i made bigger change and moved somewhere, lot of things changed. Noe i stay here again and feel the life has stopped again and there is no way out.
edit:
I know that some little step can make big change in life, but i have now no idea which kind of decision is right - because tooo many times my decisions were wrong. So i know it will be wrong way again.
Many times i recalled memories ...what happened in my childhood and changed my direction.... like f.e. i didnd start with theatre (for some stupid reason). Sometimes I feel like there is Something, what gives me obstacles every time, when i decide to make a change.. When i start something new... it goes well..but then stop, like there was someo e who say - not this way! And another funny obstacle appers.
Sometimes I just did make bad decision. Sometimes its like fun.... for someone, who keep his eye on me. Just yesterday... I meet my friend. I didnt see her for eleven years... And i was thinking about those wasted years....was back in 200X... watching myself..
Sometimes i thin, that maybe i did wrong decision and someone (because of that) died. That I could help... but i didn'n.
Later, unfortunately, I met very different ppl, good people, and they teached me a lot. But too late. So i think, yes, it would be very diffrent if I had such different friends around me sooner. Once i made bigger change and moved somewhere, lot of things changed. Noe i stay here again and feel the life has stopped again and there is no way out.
edit:
I know that some little step can make big change in life, but i have now no idea which kind of decision is right - because tooo many times my decisions were wrong. So i know it will be wrong way again.
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
Bless your heart, Blue.
It's good to get these things out of your system from time to time.
It's good to get these things out of your system from time to time.
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I'm sorry.
I've made a big mistake making this thread. I realise it can be too triggering/depressing for some members.
I am so sorry!!
Well now im curious as all hell. Can I ask what the general topic of it was?
BlueDays
1
It was asking if you'd ever thought long and hard about what your life (and social anxiety situation) would be like if certain life changing events had not happened in your past.
I came back in and read Fountain's reply and almost burst out crying at how my thread had brought up really traumatic memories for him.
So I thought omg noooooooooo! I don't want to be responsible for making anyone have to deal with thinking about severe sad/bad results of life changing events in their past. Big mistake of mine, as I did not have the forethought to realise some people's life changing events could have really, truly severe. traumatic memories attached to them.
I can count the number of threads I have started on one hand, over the 10 years I have been in here.
imma going back to NOT making threads!!!
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
I can count the number of threads I have started on one hand, over the 10 years I have been in here.
imma going back to NOT making threads!!!
Yeah theres been a couple times where I've gone to make a thread but decided not to because I worried it might be too much in some way. Thats why I mostly stick to making meme/game threads (or random ones like the aliens one)
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
It was asking if you'd ever thought long and hard about what your life (and social anxiety situation) would be like if certain life changing events had not happened in your past.
I came back in and read Fountain's reply and almost burst out crying at how my thread had brought up really traumatic memories for him.
So I thought omg noooooooooo! I don't want to be responsible for making anyone have to deal with thinking about severe sad/bad results of life changing events in their past. Big mistake of mine, as I did not have the forethought to realise some people's life changing events could have really, truly severe. traumatic memories attached to them.
I can count the number of threads I have started on one hand, over the 10 years I have been in here.
imma going back to NOT making threads!!!
I don't think there is anything inherently harmful with talking about bad or traumatic things. Outside therapy, a support forum is probably as good as any of a place to talk about and work through that type of thing. This may not be the same for everyone, but on the forum when I see a thread I see it an opportunity to talk about things if I want, not an obligation. If it's not something I want to talk about, I can ignore the thread (which I do often). If it is something I want to think about or express thoughts on, a thread existing gives me the place to do that which I find to be a good thing.
So if I were you I wouldn't feel responsible for drumming up bad memories people didn't want to talk about, but rather for giving people the chance to discuss troubling things in a safe environment.