Im so Lonely

LoyalXenite

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
This is my first time posting on this site. I found this site by accident.

I'm so lonely i want to die.

I've had so much crap thrown at me my whole life, abusive parents, poverty, all sorts of crap. I first tried to commit suicide at the age of 7, continued to try until the age of about 20. I will be 23 in may.
I have few friends, and none of them close. My best friend was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago, its her birthday this Saturday.
I am in a relationship, my girlfriend (fiance') and i have been together almost two years, in the time of our relationship we've been through a lot. Homelessness, death, trouble with family members because we are lesbians, all sorts of crap. But we tried really hard to pull **** together. We now have stable accommodation and started uni, trying to get our lives on track.

My problem is my partner has gone away, indefinitely, she has had to go be moral/emotional support to her little sister. Her little sister is in an abusive relationship and was supposed to break up with the abusive boyfriend on monday, my partner left on sunday. she didnt do that so my partner stayed up there, got extenuating circumstances and has two weeks off uni to be up there. My partner was supposed to come down and stay with me for a couple of days then go back up then come back for easter. That didnt happen. She came, packed some more things and left withing two hours.

Im so lonely, i suffer from BPD, depression, Anxiety, OCD and agoraphobia. My partner was my reason for stopping self harming and for not killing myself. But she is gone, and im so lonely its killing me, im so afraid that she wont come back or that her little sister (who hates me) will turn her against me.

I dont have anyone to talk to, i cant stand the loneliness. i just dont know what to do, i dont know how to survive this. She is gone and i dont know when or even if she will come back, and that has me so terrified i cant eat properly (which is probably a good thing) i cant sleep, i cant concentrate to study. im just sitting there most of the time with disney (or similarly comforting) movies playing 24/7.

I dont really know why im posting this, i just need to vent i guess. I went on eheadspace.org the other night, an online support site, but they only do sessions once every 7 to 14 days. I'm almost at the point of calling lifeline or similar because i dont know how long i can hold on.

Im sorry, i just need someone to care, someone to help me get through this, because i cant do it alone. :sad:
 
Opaline

Opaline

1
Hey welcome to the site.

I'm almost the same age as you, will be 23 this fall.

If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to send me a message, I'll be happy to listen. I've been through similar things (although maybe not quite as extreme) and I understand how tough it can be.

Hope this site helps you.
 
S

Silatuyok

Well-known member
Hi LoyalXenite. I have BPD too, so I know how scary it can be for someone you love and depend on to leave without knowing when they will come back. Is there a way that you can contact your girlfriend, just to talk to her? It could be comforting just to hear her voice, and to be reassured that she's still out there and still plans to come back to you.
It might be a good idea to call a crisis hotline, just to talk to somebody and know that there is someone out there who is cares about your situation. Otherwise, please feel free to send me a message if you want to talk, I've survived some very severe abandonment issues in the past, so I know where you're coming from and won't judge you or anything like that.
Keep those Disney movies rolling, and do whatever you can to comfort yourself. Eventually this hard time will pass, you just have to get through it.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
That is a depressing post. I really don't know what to say, but just hang in there and things will get better.
 
LoyalXenite

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I do text her throughout the day, but i dont want to bother her. I know it exasperates her how dependent i am on her, i am trying to work on it but its so hard, it makes it harder with her gone. She was away recently for a month, then came back for a month and now is gone again. I am still recovering from the last time she went away, now there is this one, which i have no idea how long it will last.
I know i have major abandonment issues, stemming back to when i was a toddler, both my parents are deaf and they never came when i would cry from nightmares and such. At the age of about 3 i broke my collar bone diving off my bed (i was an imaginative child, my bed was a ship and i had to swim away). I screamed my lungs out for a very long time (possibly 30mins to an hour) until a neighbour finally came over and told my father i was screaming. Things like that my whole life on top of other things like the death of my best friend who was like a mother to me..
 
Unspoken

Unspoken

Well-known member
Focus on the future you're trying to build: whatever you're going to school for, a life with your fiance, and new friends. Let that be your motivation to push forward and don't let anyone or anything tell you that you can't have it. We go through a lot of dark times, but the more we smooth out the more access we have to the things we're driven toward. It's just that we don't all start under the same circumstances.
 
LoyalXenite

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I have been trying to think positive but its one of my major weak points, getting control over my negative thoughts and putting positive ones in there.
 
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