Overload
Well-known member
Now that I've come to terms with my sexuality, I'm back in a feeling of bliss.
I've been back and forth so many times, for some reason I kept changing my mind, and kept playing the game of deception. I'll tell you though, it takes an awful lot of energy to sustain such a lie for so long.
Anxiety is a marker. Face those fears, accept them.
Easiest way to do this? Lose all control. Complete ruin will bring acceptance and tranquility.
Last night, I decided to lie in bed and reflect. All of my fears come careening into my mind. First, I get it into my head that I'm retarded. I'm insecure about my intelligence, even though I know I'm far from retarded. Anyway, I accepted my being a retard. Next up, fear of death. I said to myself: "What if I have cancer right now? What if it has spread past the point of no return? I could very well die."
I didn't run from this. I accepted that I could die in months. With this acceptance of death came a feeling of absolute freedom. I accepted myself right then and there for who I was. Everything came screaming into focus, and now my life makes sense.
What we tend to do is run from the fear, suppress it. We feel sorry for ourselves. This is a our drug. We beat ourselves down until we're defenseless. In this state, our ego can do what it pleases with us, because we have relinquished control to it.
Do not run from fear. Instead, dive right in.
I've been back and forth so many times, for some reason I kept changing my mind, and kept playing the game of deception. I'll tell you though, it takes an awful lot of energy to sustain such a lie for so long.
Anxiety is a marker. Face those fears, accept them.
Easiest way to do this? Lose all control. Complete ruin will bring acceptance and tranquility.
Last night, I decided to lie in bed and reflect. All of my fears come careening into my mind. First, I get it into my head that I'm retarded. I'm insecure about my intelligence, even though I know I'm far from retarded. Anyway, I accepted my being a retard. Next up, fear of death. I said to myself: "What if I have cancer right now? What if it has spread past the point of no return? I could very well die."
I didn't run from this. I accepted that I could die in months. With this acceptance of death came a feeling of absolute freedom. I accepted myself right then and there for who I was. Everything came screaming into focus, and now my life makes sense.
What we tend to do is run from the fear, suppress it. We feel sorry for ourselves. This is a our drug. We beat ourselves down until we're defenseless. In this state, our ego can do what it pleases with us, because we have relinquished control to it.
Do not run from fear. Instead, dive right in.
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