I'm about to say screw it...

[Necrucifer]

I mean not in a bad way just tired of being alone and holed up in my room living with my parents...Yea no job and no liscense...which hopefully I'll be getting both soon. One of best friends ex's invited me to a party at her place this halloween...dont worry just friends would not do that to my best friend. Whether I get my meds or not from when I actually get an appointment made and way to get there.

I might just be talking out my ass but I used to be social as hell in high school my last 2 years...only times really but I made tons of friends and had plenty of relationships...I think I am just starting to think I am full of nothing but crap sometimes. Hell even possibly having a baby on the way from my ex let alone if its not mine or if she's not thank goodness but if she is something I'll have to learn to deal with.

I am just tempted to get out more even if I have to walk everywhere or just go walking in a store just to talk to someone...yea sure what if someone thinks I am weird or hates me afterwards oh well chances of me seeing them again like 1 in a million...well ex's I end up seeing alot after they dump me for some reason I hate that. I mean if that happens...oh well means they wouldnt of made good friends anyway.

I even made friends while I was drunk at a party a few years ago just from streaking haha...I used to do loads of stuff but I am to busy beating myself up over it...I mean do I have a severe case of S.A.D sure...will I maybe back out like a little boy? maybe...but I am just dying doing nothing rotting away to non-existance...I look good I know this and been told this but I am to scared to talk to girls but there easier to talk to than guys?

I mean come on...someone just beat the sense into me looks dont matter and even with the compliments I get never had anything really negative said to me for the most part so why am I so scared...I might just go out today...maybe I am at least getting pumped up into maybe doing it sometime soon...maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but if I keep this up then MAYBE one day...

Sure I have anxiety attacks that feels like my hearts going to explode...but I mean I have like nothing to lose right? I already have nothing to begin with...so what is there to lose but to gain? maybe I think to much and talk out my ass but...I maybe should goto that halloween party. I know a couple of the people there and one of them looks at me like an Idol because I was in percussion like they are

 

[Feathers]

hm, well it's the season of partying...

I can understand the wish to go out, just be smart about it and don't make another girl pregnant! (joke)
I assume you can party without getting 'entangled' into something, and it's probably better if you don't drink too much, especially if you might be taking any meds - read the instructions, some meds+alcohol can have bad side effects! be safe, with regards to transport/driving too..

Otherwise, go and dance and meet people and talk - all good things!

Yeah, you do look like a social person, maybe just got burnt out from too much socializing at a time? can happen.. (also, alco + any iffy drugs can be bad, so avoid those too..)

And wow you were in percussion, maybe you can team up with some guys and make a band? Even to just jam and hang out and socialize, like 1x a week maybe? to get out of the house etc (I know cool guys who have jobs/careers and families and still hang out once a week, and have a great concert once a year - or you don't even have to do that if you don't want to..)

 

[Blabla..]

hmm i don't know what to answer to your post but , don't give up , if you still wanna go out and make friends , i'm sure you can do it , you seem like a very nice person , sometime it's hard to meet people i know , meet the perfect girl etc , it seems like it won't happen unless you go out and look for it , i used to feel lonely and force myself to go out to meet someone , until i gave up and it just came to me naturally , one day. You never know how things can turn out , but don't give up just yet

 

[Necrucifer]

Thanks and for the pregnant joke HAHAHAHA...fuunnnnnyyy joke (being sarcastic lol but its ok) With these meds...dont think I'll be drinking because the meds do badly enough already to strong...and I had bad anxiety throughout my whole life except 2 years in high school...so something there made me active. As for percussion yea that and flute + piano on top of that...haha music is awesome though...

Well I built up confidence before and while writing that it just went away though (May be because I am tired as hell havent slept yet) but I have to do something...I feel like I am wasting away to nothing and as to finding the perfect girl...who wants a guy that possibly might have a baby on the way and I know I would have to let them know before any kind of relationship was even bonded...

I know I am not to young to have a kid but still was not expecting it...and I hate condoms but no choice but to wear them thats for sure from now on...plus make the girl take birth control can never be to safe and I thought I was to begin with. As for the little get togethers and play some tunes I could probably try to set something up for that for sure if I really wanted to or felt confident enough .

I just felt ecstatic earlier I think thats the right word and well felt like I did back in high school when I actually was happy and social...haha so maybe my body and mind are trying to tell me something...and let alone the may be pregnant thing might have triggered something to I dont know. As for the party its tomorrow I forgot today is the 30th but I do hope I get the courage to actually DO something this time.

 

[Necrucifer]

Oh and as for the I look like the social type idk its hard I never was much but I made friends just fine...I just hit rock bottom then my anxiety came back. Any drugs and alcholol usually arent good well except one but Im not gonna say it but I rarely do it anyway. I never danced in my life so thats another problem I have haha...