I wish I could say I didn't care...and mean it..

[Downwardspiral]

Wouldn't that be nice...
I say I don't care. Then why haven't I killed myself yet...I mean I want to..but I care too much...I'm tired of it all
Everywhere I look there is more drama of all kinds.
You know how there are those people you just can't stand no matter what you or they do...you just feel anger looking at them much less thinking about them?
Well yeah...I can't stand my step mother...I can't talk to her because she infuriates me.
Tonight my dad gave me an ipod as a bribe to work on my relationships with the people in this family..and really try because his big dream is that everyone gets along..and who's the only one standing in the way of that? Me.
I have really bad social anxiety...I can't even talk to my dad freely...i can't.
I usually warm up to people my own age...ya know i have friends..but it takes weeeks and even months for me to be comfortable with people...and as i'm gettin older its gettin easier to be myself...but I have lived with my dad his wife and her four kids for two or three years...Me and my step sister used to be close but then she decided to completely stop talkin to me because of mistakes i made..they didn't even hurt her...great...so now i don't talk to anyone..and i haven't warmed up at all...if anything i try to avoid them and they do the same..no one goes out of their way and its good cuz if they did it'd juust make my anxiety blow up because i'd be timing where i am in the house so i wouldn't be near them...
A while ago...likea month ago or something...there was this vase on the kitchen counter...bunch of dead roses...completely dead...they could've lasted longer but my step mother didn't read the instructions or seem to care to...so me being wierd..i decided i'd take some of teh dead roses before they got thrown away because we were having dinner guests the next night and i figured they'd get tossed so everythign would look nice...
Guess what wakes me up the next morning...
My step mother screaming at me about destroying her DEAD roses...her mother sent them to her for carrying some luggage...oh wait it gets better..SHE WAS SAVING THE DEAD ROSES TO SHOW HER MOTHER THE BEAUTIFUL GIFT SHE GAVE HER...she didn't stop there..oh no...she started yelling at me about making No on 8 cupcakes. She doesn't stand for that so it cant' be in her house...BULLSHIT..then started saying...everying in that house is hers cuz she bought it..she bought the bed the blankets everything...and if i can't communicate with anyone i should just leave...
Mind you she was screamin this all at the very top of her lungs and all her ignorant children heard it...so you know what i get up and i'm about to kill myself and i nearly do...but no i stop i get a bag of shti and i leave..but before i leave.,.i smash what was left of the vase and whatever else i found that would relieve my anger...so i leave...long story short..my dad wants me to come home and says that she said she's sorry for yelling...so i'm like okay...
She asks to talk to me a few days later...i'm expecting her to apologize..but NO...she starts talking abnout the same exact shit she yelled at me the weekend before...NOTHING HAS CHANGED except her tone...and i can't even think of anything to say because i'm just so blinded by anger..i can feel the blood rushing through my head...and i can't take it...so i get up and leave an dtell my dad to tell his wife to leave me alone and its been that way...she hasn't talked to me and i like it that way...but now he's saying...you know i really want you to try for my health at least to make things better...write her a letter that your sorry about the flowers orf w/e...HE WANTS ME TO APOLOGIZe and he's using something i really wanted to try and get that..and now I am just crying because it feels like its a dirty gift..i dont want it...i don't want to fucking live;..there is no point for me..this isn't even half the stuff that eats at me everyday ....i can't take it anymore...
in the end there are fewer ppl who understand what this is like...and its not worth it..they either don't understand my "shyness" or fucking disease...or they don't get depression or both....my step family and my dad are extremely blinded by religion and left wing media and all taht christianity propaganda and i can't take it..my step mother is in her own little world..she doesn't understand anything about the real world only her own personal stereo types...and i wont do it...but me? i'm too "shy" to walk up to my dad and say here's your ipod i can't except or even begin to tell him how i feel..and he makes it sound so easy to just start tryin to be apart of something that is completely against how i feel...
i don't know what to do

 

[playthepsychedelic]

your stepmother seems to be doing something extremely unfair to you...
well what I think you should do is walk up to her- make sure you are calm, prepared and keep yourself under control, no matter what she does- and just explain calm and clearly what you think about this whole thing. It doesn't matter how awful she is, just make sure you stay calm and polite -after all, you're the grown-up in the conversation- and maybe, she will see it from your point of view... I dunno how old you are but you will probably have to live with her for a while... so try not to mess up things; or try not to let her mess up things...

 

[Downwardspiral]

Where did you go to when you left? How old are you? I know how even the smallest things can get to you a lot.

I'm 18 and i just walked to my boyfriends house and he drove me to my friends house then i snuck into my garage at three in the morning and slept in the attic...but yeah...things really get to me alot...its either anger or sadness. i just wish i could be numb for once

 

[reslo]

"and if i can't communicate with anyone i should just leave..."

Clearly your stepmom has issues :/ and she is not a psychologist- everyone here can tell how social anxiety is truely a disease- its something that can affect every aspect of a person's life- the constant worry, the constant feeling of being on the outside can eat a person alive. It's not a matter of willing, it's a matter of brain chemistry, childhood experiences, trauma, thought patterns, none of us would wish anxiety/depression on ourselves! For her to scream at you like that tells me that she probably had a really bad childhood- it's freaking flowers, dead ones at that- you did her a favor- she has her own issues- don't make them yours. You can't expect her to change, you can only change yourself. And you're sooo young- don't let other people control your life.

 

[PhillyFlyersGrl]

Wow...thats no way to live..I can tell you that much. I sometimes find myself tiptoeing around in my own house because of the S.P so I can kind of understand..but yet my mom and her husband don't treat me the way your family treats you. Im 29yrs old too..I dont have to be here, I can move in with my fiancee' tomorrow if I wanted, but Im holding off for right now.
Anyway somethings gotta give here, your stuck between a rock and a hard place, your to shy to confront things..but you have a desire too. Your family though..their desires don't seem to be in the best of heart. I really, really feel for you. Your going to have to somehow make it own your own, unless someone suggests family counsiling and you guys do it, but other then that I really don't see any options. I don't know how old you are but if your old enough to move out find a way and do it. It won't solve all your problems though..it may be painful for a while, but your going to have to get focused on leaving. But for right now your going to have to have some patience with the situation till you can get yourself outta there.

 

[Silvox Black]

Damnable human ignorance. I would be more than willing to assist you in pummeling some sense into those dead beat fools. However unfortunately I cannot for now. Thus I will do the next best thing I can here and that is by helping you. I know what it is like to live under the reign of abusive parents and the amount of rage that grows within is insurmountable. I understand what it is like to wonder what use there is in living yet not being numb enough to end one's life. It is far from pleasant..