Mingling_and_Conversations_practical_tips.rtf
This is partly based on two topics from session 8 of the “Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step” product by the Social Anxiety Institute. They are practical tips that stand alone, so it may be useful to anyone overcoming shyness/social anxiety. They are oriented toward party situations and similar social gatherings.
Mingling and Conversations
Remember that it takes at least two people to talk, and also two people to have a silence. So, you are not responsible for “silences” during conversation. There is nothing wrong with such “silences” -- it is normal to have them. You don’t have to feel awkward or anxious about it.
You don’t have to feel anxious or awkward about leaving a person or group. In these situations it is normal, expected, and essentially the very definition of “mingling”.
A short “exit line” is all that is needed to politely leave the current group or person. You can shake hands with the person and say “I’m glad to have met you. Please excuse me, …
… I see a friend that I want to say hi to.”
… I need to get some food/drink.”
… the smoke is bothering me here -- I need to go outside for a while.”
… I need to use the restroom.”
or anything that is reasonable in the situation.
If someone else is near enough and alone, try inviting them into the conversation.
Switch groups politely in this way whenever you want to. You are not chained to any one person or group. People split up and join or form new groups all the time -- it is an excepted and almost essential part of mingling.
You talk with someone for a while and then move on. No big deal. You can say the same things to the next person -- it’s just small talk, and the new person hasn’t heard it yet. It is normal to do this.
Decide ahead of time *not* to be uncomfortable. You are just like everyone else there and you can decide to do whatever you reasonably want while you are there, so there is never a need to feel out of place. Tell yourself this and eventually you *won’t* feel out of place in these situations. Don’t put pressure on yourself to behave a certain way or be unnaturally “outgoing”. You can stand all alone and just look around or at the other people if you want -- there is nothing wrong with this, you are perfectly entitled to do this, so you need to “give yourself permission” to do this if you want to, without feeling uncomfortable or awkward about it.
Slow down a bit as you talk. This will make it easier to think of something to say, and reduce “stumbling” on your words, which will calm you a little. Anxiety tends to cause us to hurry and stumble in our speech so practice slowing down if this applies to you.
Remind yourself to focus externally instead of on your own anxiety or negative thoughts: focus on other people, their names, what they are talking about. It is usually our anxiety that makes it difficult to focus externally and remember these things. If you have trouble remembering names or focusing on what people are saying, don’t “beat yourself up” about it. It’s no big deal. Just continue on and try again.
There is a well-known concept called “active listening.” Notice that the person generally is making a statement (often about their interests or future plans), giving an opinion, or telling a story. Part of “active listening” is responding appropriately in a way that continues the conversation and balances it so that it isn’t “one-sided” or “one-direction”. When the person talking pauses, that is an opportunity to say something that fits into what they were saying (and potentially can also open a new avenue for the conversation). You can
* State your opinion about it.
* Ask a follow-up question about some part of it.
* Make some comment about it.
Giving up “free information”: when you make a comment on what the other person was saying, whenever applicable include something that gives the person some information about you (example: relate a story they were telling to your own experience or knowledge).
When you can’t think of something to say, you can almost always ask a question. An “open ended” question is preferable to something that has just a yes/no or other short answer. A lot of questions, particularly “closed” ones, will make you both feel like it is an interview or interrogation rather than a conversation, so listen to the answers for something you can comment on or relate to something in your own life.
When a subject seems to have run its course, you can change it by asking a question (“So, what do you think of <something topical or of interest to you or the other person>?)”, stating an opinion, or telling a story.
Probably you don’t want to only just listen and not say anything, but if you feel inhibited about “jumping in” or responding, you probably will hesitate. It is easy to miss opportunities to contribute something you want to say because other speakers often don’t pause for long, and someone else will take the opportunity like cutting in front of you in traffic. So don’t over think or overanalyze what to say. If you feel this kind of inhibition, the more significant the thing you are thinking of to say, the more you will probably hesitate to say it, so practice first with small stuff that you can say without much thought so that you can fit it into a small gap in conversation. It may take some practice with this to become accustomed to the pace of conversations and just how small a gap is required to “get a word in edgewise”.
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Those are the practical tips. Lastly, some a general comment about what makes something you used to dread or that you were very nervous/inhibited/whatever about doing, into something that you are okay with:
You’ll need to change your thinking about these situations if you want to permanently reduce your anxiety about them. You can say to yourself: “I used to think I couldn’t mingle and talk to others; but it is just small talk so it is no big deal, and I’m realizing I can do this better and more comfortably than I used to think.”
Remind yourself that your decision to mingle is in itself a success -- one that doesn’t depend on what the outcome is, or whether you or anybody you talked to was fascinating. And it is definitely okay that you felt anxious about it before and during. The success against social anxiety is the decision to do it and then carrying it out, even for just a little while. You don’t even have to feel great about it afterwards -- if you truly believe this and keep this attitude about it, then gradually, eventually, you will feel less anxious and more comfortable in these situations. As long as you keep your old anxious/negative thoughts and beliefs about the situation --like ”I hate it” or “I’m terrible at this” -- you will continue to hate it and be anxious in that situation. If you wonder why it still makes you so anxious after encountering this situation so many times, that is why. Stopping and changing your negative, anxious thoughts and beliefs about it before and after each time you are in the situation is what will permanently overcome your anxiety.
Sources and Useful References:
“Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step” product by the Social Anxiety Institute.
“Conversationally Speaking”, by Alan Garner.
“How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends”, by Don Gabor.
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