Reality gave me a slap in the face yesterday. The details aren't exactly important; suffice it to say I'd been building up a fantasy (one that, I hope, was a reasonable extrapolation of reality as I knew it, and would have been a slow path towards healing). But last night the cornerstone was pulled out of this fantasy, and after a lot more thinking and observation of the past few months of self-discovery, I've come to a realization.
I don't have social anxiety - I have a problem that's not dissimilar, shares many of the characteristics of it, and I have psyched myself out for the past month or so. I am an ignorant introvert, a man-child who, having lead something of a charmed life, had never realized just how important the ability to initiate friendships and interactions in general, and to grow and maintain those relationships was. Like a lot of my life, my social needs were met by what was handed to me on a platter. After high school, this ceased to be true, I prevailed for two years of college before having what, if it wasn't a nervous break, surely would have become one, and then promptly gave up. For going on four years.
What I've got is social atrophy and a warped worldview. I had unrealistic expectations that life would just happen, so that after highschool I would go to college, graduate just as easily, get a job-ticket, and be on my way. Thing is, you don't just become an adult. You have to try, which is something I never really learned.
So! The point of this journal is to chronicle me stepping up and taking the bull by the horns. Until now, my mantra was to take it slow and easy - but I can see myself far too easily sliding back if I try to do it that way. I'm still young, I'm resilient, and I believe that I've come to terms with myself as much as I can by thinking and talking. It's time to start doing. What I hope to do is move out of this small town I've lived in all my life. Being on my own will get me out of my comfort zone and force me to develop the skills I'm lacking in. I'll be afraid - mostly due to fear of the unknown - but I will grit my teeth and bear it.
I hold no illusions - this won't be some sort of training montage. The experience will break me down - the challenge will be rebuilding myself before there's nothing left. There will be real challenges - physical, financial, mental, as well as social - I've never met before packed on top of everything else. I have a miniscule support network, but it's strong. Even so, there's a very real risk I'll have to crawl back home (a home that I'm certain will still welcome me), but that's part of the point. This is all a calculated risk.
This plan isn't set in stone. The next few entries will probably be me working my way through it all. I've got ideas - with varying levels of craziness - and it's possible I won't even leave my home just yet. But I'm not letting another four years go by listlessly.
I don't have social anxiety - I have a problem that's not dissimilar, shares many of the characteristics of it, and I have psyched myself out for the past month or so. I am an ignorant introvert, a man-child who, having lead something of a charmed life, had never realized just how important the ability to initiate friendships and interactions in general, and to grow and maintain those relationships was. Like a lot of my life, my social needs were met by what was handed to me on a platter. After high school, this ceased to be true, I prevailed for two years of college before having what, if it wasn't a nervous break, surely would have become one, and then promptly gave up. For going on four years.
What I've got is social atrophy and a warped worldview. I had unrealistic expectations that life would just happen, so that after highschool I would go to college, graduate just as easily, get a job-ticket, and be on my way. Thing is, you don't just become an adult. You have to try, which is something I never really learned.
So! The point of this journal is to chronicle me stepping up and taking the bull by the horns. Until now, my mantra was to take it slow and easy - but I can see myself far too easily sliding back if I try to do it that way. I'm still young, I'm resilient, and I believe that I've come to terms with myself as much as I can by thinking and talking. It's time to start doing. What I hope to do is move out of this small town I've lived in all my life. Being on my own will get me out of my comfort zone and force me to develop the skills I'm lacking in. I'll be afraid - mostly due to fear of the unknown - but I will grit my teeth and bear it.
I hold no illusions - this won't be some sort of training montage. The experience will break me down - the challenge will be rebuilding myself before there's nothing left. There will be real challenges - physical, financial, mental, as well as social - I've never met before packed on top of everything else. I have a miniscule support network, but it's strong. Even so, there's a very real risk I'll have to crawl back home (a home that I'm certain will still welcome me), but that's part of the point. This is all a calculated risk.
This plan isn't set in stone. The next few entries will probably be me working my way through it all. I've got ideas - with varying levels of craziness - and it's possible I won't even leave my home just yet. But I'm not letting another four years go by listlessly.