I. Will. Beat. This. - A Journal

[O'Killian]

Reality gave me a slap in the face yesterday. The details aren't exactly important; suffice it to say I'd been building up a fantasy (one that, I hope, was a reasonable extrapolation of reality as I knew it, and would have been a slow path towards healing). But last night the cornerstone was pulled out of this fantasy, and after a lot more thinking and observation of the past few months of self-discovery, I've come to a realization.

I don't have social anxiety - I have a problem that's not dissimilar, shares many of the characteristics of it, and I have psyched myself out for the past month or so. I am an ignorant introvert, a man-child who, having lead something of a charmed life, had never realized just how important the ability to initiate friendships and interactions in general, and to grow and maintain those relationships was. Like a lot of my life, my social needs were met by what was handed to me on a platter. After high school, this ceased to be true, I prevailed for two years of college before having what, if it wasn't a nervous break, surely would have become one, and then promptly gave up. For going on four years.

What I've got is social atrophy and a warped worldview. I had unrealistic expectations that life would just happen, so that after highschool I would go to college, graduate just as easily, get a job-ticket, and be on my way. Thing is, you don't just become an adult. You have to try, which is something I never really learned.

So! The point of this journal is to chronicle me stepping up and taking the bull by the horns. Until now, my mantra was to take it slow and easy - but I can see myself far too easily sliding back if I try to do it that way. I'm still young, I'm resilient, and I believe that I've come to terms with myself as much as I can by thinking and talking. It's time to start doing. What I hope to do is move out of this small town I've lived in all my life. Being on my own will get me out of my comfort zone and force me to develop the skills I'm lacking in. I'll be afraid - mostly due to fear of the unknown - but I will grit my teeth and bear it.

I hold no illusions - this won't be some sort of training montage. The experience will break me down - the challenge will be rebuilding myself before there's nothing left. There will be real challenges - physical, financial, mental, as well as social - I've never met before packed on top of everything else. I have a miniscule support network, but it's strong. Even so, there's a very real risk I'll have to crawl back home (a home that I'm certain will still welcome me), but that's part of the point. This is all a calculated risk.

This plan isn't set in stone. The next few entries will probably be me working my way through it all. I've got ideas - with varying levels of craziness - and it's possible I won't even leave my home just yet. But I'm not letting another four years go by listlessly.

 

[A86]

Awesome to see you have given yourself some direction. I think keeping this journal is an excellent means to measure your progress. Being able to see/measure progress helps reinforce the ability to stay on track.

Good Luck!

 

[Kiwong]

Good luck. There is happiness beyond pain and doubt, it takes a lot of effort to get there.

Social atrophy, I like that phrase it rings true for me as well.

 

[O'Killian]

Yeah, I figure a journal will require some accountability on my part. And hopefully, looking back, I'll be pleased with myself.

Heh, happiness. Not to riff on your well wishes, but that's meant different things throughout the ages and I suppose it probably has a slightly different meaning for every person. A few months ago I could probably call myself happy without feeling it was a lie; not so much now. I can't say I'm sad or depressed, either. Determined, nervous - definitely. Social atrophy, while something I made up, is the closest to how I think I really feel. It could all be semantics, but it is nice to see someone else think it has meaning.

Either way, thank you both. I've been googling and planning all day, planning out conversations and generally keeping busy. Best I've felt in a while, actually. Hopefully I'll have something of merit to post within the next few days, even if it's a decision to scale back things from full-on crazy.

 

[O'Killian]

Past few days I've been thinking about this decision to move out, or more accurately how I've come to it. This thread and, really, this resolution were made in haste; after a long time spent avoiding everything, anything that made me feel active and engaged just seemed so urgent.

It's only been three days, so maybe I'm still riding some sort of high (I definitely don't feel the same, though), but overall I still think it's the right decision. It's something I've entertained for years, but mostly considered a fantasy. "Too hard. I'm not experienced enough. I can't do it." There's a kernel of truth there, but I'm concerned about whether my first tack will work.

--

But enough of that; since this is my journal, it's gonna ramble all over the place and I had a thought earlier that I figured didn't really need a new thread.

Another post around here got me thinking about the need to belong to a community where everyone trusts each other implicitly. And I realized I have that, and have had that since 2005 (well, OK; that was just when it started. I'd say we became truly inextricable around 2007). The catch being this is an entirely online community.

In figuring out exactly when I joined, I realized that I actually joined them much later than I thought - I could swear I'd known them for an age before Hurricane Rita, which was September of 2005. I joined in November 2005, so in fact I probably didn't even know it existed when I spent a month with no power.

The gist, though, is that I was on GameFAQs and discovered a 'game' called RPG Maker. (essentially a program for creating 90's SNES-era styled roleplaying games, ala the early Final Fantasies and Chrono Trigger). I was needless to say interested and I wound up joining an offshoot of the GameFAQs board. At first we were all just springboards for each other's creativity. We're all storytellers, to one degree or another, in a mix of every medium. We genuinely enjoyed creating works for the others to critique and critiquing the works of others. Of course we also played multiplayer games together, had general chat about what'd been going on in our lives (especially funny stories), etc.

And in times of need, in our own ways, we've been there for each other. I've discussed problems openly in much the same way I do this site (though it helps that, to one degree or another, they all likely have some of the same problems I do, heh). Most of us have 'known' each other for six or seven years, we know how to make each other laugh, and we value each others opinions on matters ranging from quality entertainment to relationships.

I'm not saying that Internet friends are a replacement for friends you see each day in the flesh. I'm just saying I'm lucky to say I've interacted with some of these folks nearly every day for the better part of a decade, to have shared genuinely fun experiences, and am generally glad to have known them. It's not much of a support network, but it's something. At some point we'll have to finish 'growing up', I guess, but some of us have completed college and have something at least resembling a life, yet have come back to each other even after it seemed impossible. So maybe we'll continue to endure another seven years.

And the best part is, even if I move, no matter where I go, they'll be in the same place, just as accessible to me.

 

[O'Killian]

So after seeking advice elsewhere on the Internet and actually sitting down and talking through it with my mother, I'm tentatively considering 'just' going to college away from home. (I'd say 'back', but I'd neither be going to the same place nor do I think the situation would be all that similar). If our financial situation allows (which remains to be seen), I'd get a lot of what I'm looking for without a constant specter of adult responsibility and fear of starvation. Maybe. I dunno!

It feels a little strange to be poring through all this college stuff which, by all rights, I should have done six years ago. I'm a bit worried about what my GPA looks like - that last semester was disastrous, and might have dipped me below where I want to be for applying to the schools I'm looking at.

I won't know about that 'til I phone the old school, though. But just thinking about that makes me think I may have an actual phobia of phones. I've still got a bit more number crunching to do before I need to worry overmuch about that though.

 

[O'Killian]

Alright, personal story time! I hope you like words because this is a lot of words.

Tuesday was both a triumph and a terrible day. You see, last week the ancient dinosaur of a tube TV gave up the ghost after a power outage. (Presumably something inside exploded.) Since this is the living room TV, it really needed a replacement - both in the sense it was, well, an ancient dinosaur and the sense it, well, exploded.

My family isn't exactly rich, but we are notoriously frugal. So the real torture in this is that between my mother (who uses the thing the most), my father, and myself, we all suck at making decisions (for various different reasons). So come Tuesday, we take the weekly grocery shopping trip to Wal-Mart together. Once we get to electronics, we ponder a while until a sales associate walks up.

Now, I'm the type to crash-course anything that catches my interest, and of course a TV upgrade catches my interest. So I'd studied about the difference in LCD, LED, and Plasma TVs, figured out all about the different connectors (since some of our appliances are old enough the thing'll need some non-HDMI ports), pretty much everything I could think of. I was about as informed as one could get bumbling around the Internet.

This poor fellow was awkward and clearly had only the foggiest of ideas what he was talking about. He would misunderstand questions and vacillate between talking over my mother's head and explaining something as simple as universal remotes as though she were a child. My father and I are both the type to let someone just keep droning on without interrupting, so this went on until my mother excused herself and left, clearly upset.

After catching her and discussing it with her it became clear the guy had upset her. Understandable or not, the guy was an awful salesman. My father and I are the type to let someone drone on and on (regardless of whether they're saying anything useful or that we want to listen to) before politely excusing ourselves when they're done, but she'd only narrowly avoided creating a scene.

So we wound up going home and deciding dad and I would be in charge of the whole venture because my mother didn't want to deal with the choice. I had been considering doing research into brand names just so we had some idea, but this was interrupted by a trip to Beaumont (which is pretty well the nearest actual city rather than our podunk town).

We went to just about every store we could think of by the end of the day. Mostly we just browsed and argued amongst ourselves, but an early stop was to a place notorious for its pushy salesmen. I'm actually proud of how I handled it. The gentleman was polite and knowledgeable, and I actually learned quite a bit. It's the first time in a while I've handled a conversation or transaction with a stranger without having to do it around a wall of internal doubt.

Since we were still a bit overwhelmed and wanted to browse some more, dad and I tried to excuse ourselves. The guy - as I said, a competent (and pushy) salesman, brought his manager over. My father and I were both clueless enough not to realize this was an attempt to high-pressure us into making a deal (I knew they were trying to make a sale, but it didn't really occur to me this was like bringing in reinforcements).

Despite that being kind of a sleazy tactic, I do regret the poor fellow didn't get a commission that day.

We were returning home, late in the day, and stopped by a second Wal-Mart. Long story short, there was a damn good deal on a TV so the both of us, weary and ready to just get it over with, bought it. Even though it was 50 inches.

Which was way too large for the amount of space the old one had inhabited. Mother didn't like it and after some contributing family drama, a terrible verbal ruckus ensued and generally left everybody feeling bad. Then we went through the trouble of exchanging it, which was hellish due to the late hour and general slowness of employees.

---

IN SUMMARY, I actually handled a few abnormal / usually unpleasant social situations moderately well, which was good. Then everything went to **** and left me feeling pretty bad. (Everybody has since gotten over it, but it sure wasn't fun when it happened.)

I'll probably post about today's happenings some other time; the story here was starting to fade from memory.

 

[O'Killian]

Well, applications away, transcripts away - all that's left is to sit back and wait. I didn't do as much as I should have - I avoided the phone as much as possible because, while I'm evidently at least remotely capable of handling face-to-face interactions, the god damn phone presents an overwhelming obstacle.

Incidentally, my GPA is 3.3... which is not at all bad considering that last semester did tank it by about two tenths and change. (Calculus!)

I'm debating what to do in the intervening time. I think a bit of regression might be in order - I've got several creative projects that have slid onto the backburner in the past few months, I've got a stack of X-Box games I haven't completed, and if all goes well I probably won't have as much chance to work on either of those things. I'm considering just 'regressing' a bit to how I was before February - I've spent too much of that worrying and thinking, so it might behoove me to stop a while and relax.

I suppose I'll just keep an eye on my mood - main thing is I don't want to worry myself overmuch waiting for an acceptance or rejection letter.

 

[O'Killian]

Whelp, just this morning I was considering reviving this poor thread, and I checked on the status of my application and I have been 'admitted to the institution' (the college, that is). Funnily enough, I feel about the same way, namely everything at once. Fear, elation, regret, hope. I suppose the important addition to the mix is relief - at this point I can clearly see where I'm headed. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out what to do once I get there.

There's a lot to do, but most of that is pretty boring or I don't know enough about it to really talk about it yet. (I haven't actually gotten a letter or details on how to proceed yet). I've also gotta get immunized for bacterial meningitis, which should be super fun.

The really important thing is actually something I've been dealing with for all of June, which is the fact that my mother seems to be in less-than-perfect mental condition as well. She's always kept the family's finances running (she ran a business for around 20 years, so she's fairly good at it). In early June we found out she had been delinquent on the (local) taxes for three years. Uncle Sam's been ignored for only two. I'm not exactly sure how to describe her problems other than as general anxiety (which was well masked until recently), but needless to say I feel some obligation to at least get her started on helping herself. (She certainly will not see a doctor, at least not in her current state; hopefully I can get her to at least consider it as an option).

Hopefully I can get my affairs in some semblance of order before August.