somethingeneric
New member
I always thought that I was the type of person who just took time to be comfortable around new people. That always took way longer than I would have liked, but I just accepted it as a part of me. But in my current relationship, that didn't really fly. I became unusually self-conscious and that didnt subside for months on end. I could literally not stop myself from questioning every word, action and thought I had. I thought my new boyfriend was so cool, funny, and smart, and I felt inferior in every way. This feeling of inferiority made it so my mind went severely blank around him and the words that I did say were so overthought they didnt even seem natural or my own.
Now, these feeling have subsided but I still feel confused. We now find it hard to have natural, stimulating conversations and I take it upon myself. I get so anxious sometimes, and feel like I can't talk about anything. Oftentimes everything I can think of to talk about sounds mundane and dumb. My feelings take over everything, like I have a dark cloud looming over me. I know that if I could shake these feelings (which I'm not even sure what they are) I could talk just fine all the time because I would actually be comfortable. We can never really have a good time because of these anxious feelings.
He knows all about how I feel but he doesnt quite understand. After a year, he only feels drained and constantly this "not talking" becomes a subject of a fight. But I don't think that this means that we're not good for each other(At least I hope it doesnt). We still love each other a lot and can't bear to be apart for too long, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of things that we admire about each other's personality, and we are together all the time. But with lack of closeness from conversation, and both of our extreme awareness of this being a problem, I fear that "talking" will never feel natural for us and the anxiety will continue. It's not like we never converse, but sometimes things still feel awkward and bad, and there is a weird negative stigma on "talking" for both of us. It's something thats always on my mind, eating me up and bothering me constantly, that I find it hard to even be myself and say the things I would normally say to people I am comfortable with.
Sorry for the novel, I've hardly had anyone to talk about this to but him. I feel like nobody would understand. I feel like I'm too confused about it to articulate it. I dont think that "It's just not meant to be" or that "He's not good for me". I'll find that out in time, but I dont think that this anxiety is for any of those reasons. I've had problems with social anxiety for years but never this bad. I just want to be able to change this negative dynamic in my reltionship and I hope that it's possible. I know that I need to find self-confidence but I'm afraid I won't be able to. I'm afraid of losing myself completely if things continue on this way. I could really use some advice or consolation. I feel so isolated from everyone I know.
Now, these feeling have subsided but I still feel confused. We now find it hard to have natural, stimulating conversations and I take it upon myself. I get so anxious sometimes, and feel like I can't talk about anything. Oftentimes everything I can think of to talk about sounds mundane and dumb. My feelings take over everything, like I have a dark cloud looming over me. I know that if I could shake these feelings (which I'm not even sure what they are) I could talk just fine all the time because I would actually be comfortable. We can never really have a good time because of these anxious feelings.
He knows all about how I feel but he doesnt quite understand. After a year, he only feels drained and constantly this "not talking" becomes a subject of a fight. But I don't think that this means that we're not good for each other(At least I hope it doesnt). We still love each other a lot and can't bear to be apart for too long, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of things that we admire about each other's personality, and we are together all the time. But with lack of closeness from conversation, and both of our extreme awareness of this being a problem, I fear that "talking" will never feel natural for us and the anxiety will continue. It's not like we never converse, but sometimes things still feel awkward and bad, and there is a weird negative stigma on "talking" for both of us. It's something thats always on my mind, eating me up and bothering me constantly, that I find it hard to even be myself and say the things I would normally say to people I am comfortable with.
Sorry for the novel, I've hardly had anyone to talk about this to but him. I feel like nobody would understand. I feel like I'm too confused about it to articulate it. I dont think that "It's just not meant to be" or that "He's not good for me". I'll find that out in time, but I dont think that this anxiety is for any of those reasons. I've had problems with social anxiety for years but never this bad. I just want to be able to change this negative dynamic in my reltionship and I hope that it's possible. I know that I need to find self-confidence but I'm afraid I won't be able to. I'm afraid of losing myself completely if things continue on this way. I could really use some advice or consolation. I feel so isolated from everyone I know.