I need some help...(and i'm sorry this is so long)

[Hello...]

I'm 14 and I only just heard of social anxiety, I always just thought I was really shy so I'd like some advice on how to get better on my own, without meds or counselling. I really don't want to tell my parents either, that’s not my thing.

It’s starting to have a big effect on my life, when I was younger it was ok cause my parents used to do most of the talking for me but it’s getting pretty ridiculous now. Like, I can't order my own food in restaurants and try to avoid them completely. I can't tell the hairdresser what I want doing (really embarrassing) and they think I’m weird cause they try and talk to me and all I can mumble is 'yeah' so they just give up.

I don’t answer phones and hate calling people. I can’t even go to the toilet in public bathrooms if someone’s in there (sorry, I know that’s gross). Which is a really, really big problem at school cause there is only one bathroom for all the girls and it’s locked during class.

I avoid looking at strangers and even people I know so they don’t say hello to me. I go over events in my mind of what I said wrong months ago even though at the same time in trying to convince myself they probably don’t even remember.

Teachers think I’m rude and I get in a lot of trouble at school because they think I’m arrogant and rude because I avoid eye contact and I often sound like I have an attitude because I’m trying to cover up my lack of words. To the teachers that like me (very few) I think my anxiety is very noticeable and I’ve been referred to the school counsellor 3 times, each time I’ve torn up the slip.

I get very embarrassed in P.E and often skip those days. Or when I’m there I get yelled at by the other kids that call me lazy. Like, they don’t know how much I want to do a good job and join in.

I get called weird a lot and I’m really insecure. I always feel like everyone’s staring at me and my friends say I’m paranoid. Last year I was very overweight and had bad acne and teased a lot, I guess my attitude towards myself hasn’t really changed since then despite the fact I lost 20lb and my acne has gotten a lot better. I still feel ugly and in superior.

Funny thing is I don’t get the shaking or breathing problems and stuff other people get. I know I sometimes mess up my words, blush and get butterflies though.

Anyway, I’m sorry that’s so long. Anyone know what I can do?

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I think you really should see your schools counselor, even though you don't want to. You sound a lot like me when I was your age & I'm in very bad shape now. I wish I had gotten help when I was younger, so life wouldn't be this way now. I'm not sure of anything you can do on your own, except look up Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), & try the exercises you find. They might help you if you don't want to get anyone else involved.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

sundaygirl has great advice! joining here and asking others for help is a huge first step!! you can see people like her who have been in your shoes and who have gotten much better.. one really important thing is to not lose hope! don't ever tell yourself you'll be stuck this way forever, negativity is only destructive, it will only knock you further down...

like the others said, it may be difficult for you to tell your parents or speak with a counselor, but those are people who can make a world of difference for you. you have to decide if you really want to be better and ask for some guidance... i would definitely suggest talking with the school counselor, you never know what could happen, or how much better you could feel afterwards.. maybe the counselor can give you some advice about your parents and help you decide what to do... you are still young, and have so much time ahead of you to grow stronger, don't ever give up, keep your head up and just know that the counseling, therapy, CBT therapy can really help you tons.. don't rule those things out! best of luck to you!

 

[Hello...]

Thanks...but i really don't think that i can go to the counselor, i'd chicken out bigtime. And my parents, they'd just brush it off because they think they know everything, they'd be peed off they didnt realise because they're both mental health workers.

and I really want to do this myself. I know i can i just need to know what direction to go in, when i lost the weight last year i was pretty depressed and didnt eat for months but i managed to sort it out myself even though it was hard. If i can do that i'm sure i can manage this. I hate to get others involved in my personal problems, it makes thing worse.

ugh, anyway, i'll look up the CBT and ACT thing and see what happens...

 

[stephen]

Thanks...but i really don't think that i can go to the counselor, i'd chicken out bigtime. And my parents, they'd just brush it off because they think they know everything, they'd be peed off they didnt realise because they're both mental health workers.

and I really want to do this myself. I know i can i just need to know what direction to go in, when i lost the weight last year i was pretty depressed and didnt eat for months but i managed to sort it out myself even though it was hard. If i can do that i'm sure i can manage this. I hate to get others involved in my personal problems, it makes thing worse.

ugh, anyway, i'll look up the CBT and ACT thing and see what happens...

If your parents are mental health workers maybe a good starting point would be to open up to them with just how you feel. Even if they are dismissive at first I'm sure they would want what's best for you and if you can explain to them that this is a real issue for you they may know how to move forward in finding a good therapist.

I know it's tempting to say you want to try to sort things out yourself but one of the biggest problems I find with anxiety is that you tend to get real good at avoidance. The trouble with this is it can compound the problem because the situations are built up in your mind to be worse than they really are.

If you find a counsellor specialising in CBT for social anxiety they're not going to push you into anything confronting too quickly as that tends to be counter productive. It's all about taking small steps to confront your anxiety. I'd suggest trying the CBT first before turning to meds. They often just suppress a problem without actually curing it. If you do look at meds do your research. Some of them have really ****ful withdrawals that you would be better off without.

 

[friendchen]

I think that is really normal for your age. I was really shy too when I was 14. Just like you I can't order my own food ( worse than that, I couldn't even go out alone). And I also did have a very bad case of acne ( I still have a little). And bathroom problem is normal too.. of course... you feel shameful to take off your pants when there's a stranger in the next room . That's normal. Its just that you haven't got used to the public bathroom. Although I repeatedly keep saying everything is normal, I know you would still feel upset . You know what.. I got your problems too but quite ridiculously, its normal in my neighborhood. Well.. you know how the Asian families are .. ( I'm not very sure about other part of Asia, but I'm pretty sure about Myanmar).. Here in my country, gentlemen like ladies like you.. shy and cute .. If a girl is too frank, they would get afraid of her . ( I know this is not helping if you're not an Asian).

But there's a way to cure without getting therapy. Just find the fire inside you. I mean FIND OUT what you really wanna be. Find out your goal. Then go for it. Don't care about what other people think of you. (coz they just don't care,.. for them you're a stranger and their brains would automatically delete unnecessary stranger files) If you're smart, the other just wouldn't notice of your bad points anymore. If you're not smart and don't want to interact with people, the people would think you're suck. But if you're smart and know what you're doing, those people would think you're cool. Well, that's the way I do. Oh.. I must admit that I stammered when I was young. And I got laughed at for it..loads of times...But that problem is no longer stay with me anymore..In my final year of uni,, we had to do presentations for our papers. Well,, it was a group work and you didn't need to be a presenter if you're not willing to. But I purposely asked to be a presenter..and of course.. the others in my group looked doubted. But as they didn't want to be talking in front of hundred people, they said "yes". Then I was on the stage, my first time to be in front of loads of people including professors (they don't like me, I was blacklisted at school). At first, I felt like my every veins got frozen, but 3 or 5 seconds later, I got used to the stage and felt really hot and words just flown out of my mouth ( and I didn't stammer). And my group got highest marks. Now I'm 21, got a first degree, got a part time job as a teacher (never thought of becoming a teacher) and studying for a diploma. Lots of my previous anxiety had been long gone..( though I'm still afraid of personal phone call,,business calls are fine for me though). What I mean is find out your place and take it. And inspire the souls out of everyone with your work. Then people would respect you and your anxiety would become a style .
PS. so sorry that the post is long.. but hope this would help you a little bit.

 

[had_enough]

Hi there
Im from Australia too but Im well older than you but have suffered from social anxiety all my life. Only when I was 14 there was no help about and no-one ever talked about SA. I wished id done something about it then.

I just want to say to you that being 14 there is still time for you. What ever you do try try try not too avoid all those things that make you nervous.

You really can learn how to do all those things. It just takes practice and the more times you do it the less scary it is and its really really important to be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself everytime you overcome your fear no matter how small and even if it doesnt go the way you wanted.

A counsellor can really help with that cos its so hard to be kind to yourself I know.

Good luck. Hope things change for you really soon.

 

[friendchen]

I forgot to add something.. Been on my mind but been busy so I didn't have a chance.. If possible.. you should try therapy... Coz.. I don't want you to end up like me... Yes..being strong is good but try to be flexible.. try both.. get therapy and try to be strong and make your way through the hardships. I must say that you can't be strong all the time.. there would be time when you need to scream in the bathroom...and there's just nobody there..
I didn't have a chance to choose.. so I tried my way..isolated..always acting, no one knows the dark side of me..but I want you to get some friends and to get a place you deserve.