i need some advice

[ShelbyModerateSP]

I always think my friends are lying to me. And I mean like my bestfriends, its part of my social phobia that built up from abusive friendships. And I know they probably arnt lying but my head and my emotions are clashing and telling me two different things. Im just wondering if anyone else is or has gone through this, and if so ways youve done to cope with it because its really getting to me..

 

[O'Killian]

I have thoughts like this from time to time. Usually it's just a brief episode brought on because I suspect I'm being avoided with 'polite lie' excuses (ala 'I'm busy'). (The fact I was - still am, somewhat - prone to this myself doesn't help.)

Usually I'll just feel gut-wrenchingly awful about it for a few hours, maybe a day, then I get to the point where I can accept, lie or not, it doesn't really matter. I'm not sure if this is helped along by the fact that I make a very conscious effort to rationalize that they aren't lying when I have the errant thought/feeling that they were. (This usually just leads to internal arguments as I rationalize why they would lie and maybe it balances out because I get tired of arguing with myself.)

I dunno if that helps - if you think they're lying about important things or that you have a consistent pattern of thinking they're lying, we're not really talking about the same situation. If you're willing to share what you think they're lying about (or why you feel they might be lying, if you even know beyond just expecting it due to past friendships), that might provide some more insight about those feelings.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

we are talking about the same thing, like I feel like everyone is always mad and annoyed with me so I think that because they are my friends they lie to not hurt my feelings.
Like an example was today my friend carrey was suppose to come over and she told me she'd call me when she was on her way, but then my other friend texted me to hangout and I said maybe latter because I already had plans with carey, then carrey never called so I texted my other friend and they happened to be together but they said they were just meeting up.. like I just feel like they were trying to avoid hanging out with me because they were annoyed with me.
I guess my thinking pattern is just weird, like I know they werent lying, but I just feel like they are. Its soooo conflicting and confusing.
oh and thank you for the input!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, I don't trust people in general but I don't necessarily think they're lying right off the bat-- just; 'there's a good possibility that what they say isn't true and if it isn't true that's okay because I won't put too much importance on it.'

That's a bit different from what you've described, I think.
I'm not sure how you could manage to change it?
Perhaps if you can think of exactly how you started to have these thoughts? Like-- a certain event or time in your life and figure out why?
Maybe you'll have a better understanding of yourself then and could change it.

 

[O'Killian]

This kinda thing is at its worst when you have some bit of 'evidence' like that. Something that irrational corner of your mind can point to and say 'See? I'm right!'

I am reminded of a quote that I'm heavily paraphrasing here, but one should never ascribe to malice what can be explained by ignorance/incompetence. In your example, it's entirely possible they just happened to meet up for whatever reason. I've certainly known people to be flaky about meeting me just because that's how they roll. No ill will on their part.

That's probably not much more useful than my 'think through it' advice/method from earlier, but eh. Sometimes, simple conscious repetition is enough to change thought patterns.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Well, I don't trust people in general but I don't necessarily think they're lying right off the bat-- just; 'there's a good possibility that what they say isn't true and if it isn't true that's okay because I won't put too much importance on it.'

That's a bit different from what you've described, I think.
I'm not sure how you could manage to change it?
Perhaps if you can think of exactly how you started to have these thoughts? Like-- a certain event or time in your life and figure out why?
Maybe you'll have a better understanding of yourself then and could change it.

I know the reasons why, and it's because I have always from being a small child had the irrational fear that everyone I knew disliked me, I have kept it to myself for a long time just because I know it's an irrational thought, but adding to it is two long term relationships where I was lied to for about a year in each one and then cheated on, and a couple people I considered to be close friends screwing me over, again and again. So now I have no trust in people and feel if just one thing is off that they are lying.
I think the first step to getting over it is saying "I know they aren't lying, these people care about me." and I can say that now, but my head still conflicts and tells me they are because I am so afraid of being hurt again.

This kinda thing is at its worst when you have some bit of 'evidence' like that. Something that irrational corner of your mind can point to and say 'See? I'm right!'

I am reminded of a quote that I'm heavily paraphrasing here, but one should never ascribe to malice what can be explained by ignorance/incompetence. In your example, it's entirely possible they just happened to meet up for whatever reason. I've certainly known people to be flaky about meeting me just because that's how they roll. No ill will on their part.

That's probably not much more useful than my 'think through it' advice/method from earlier, but eh. Sometimes, simple conscious repetition is enough to change thought patterns.

Yes exactly even the smallest "evidence" can churn my thought pattern. I believe in a way I am trying the repetition thing, but it's not really working, I can tell a little bit that it is thought simply in the fact that I can now acknowledge that my thoughts may be irrational. I don't want to put it all on trust issues though because I feel that complicates things, because I do trust my very close friends, but not with everything.

The mind is so complex, sometimes it's hard to follow.

 

[Roman Legion]

Not sure, I feel everyone around me is hostile and I'm constantly on guard. The only friend I ever had when he comes by every 6-8 or more months, I feel like it is a pity stop and he would rather be doing something else. I have no trust for anyone.. How to improve, no idea, I never leave the house.. Wish my answer didn't suck, which I know it does..

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

Your answer didn't suck, any person who takes the time to at least tell me there story to try and help I really appreciate.

 

[rxdc]

What kind of lies are we talking about?

I have some friends that lie about being busy and not being able to hang out when they aren't.

I know this one guy who basically lies about everything when it comes to women and sex. He's out of shape and just average looking but he often brags about meeting new girls and getting laid. Most people believed him cause he looks like an honest guy and is a pretty good at talking to people. I still remember the night when we found out he was bsing us the whole time.

One day, a bunch of us went clubbing. So he's at the bar with 2 other guys ordering drinks and stuff. They were there for a while, and when he gets back to the table he tells me he was able to score like 5 numbers or something. I was like wow! I'm sitting here working my butt off buying drinks and trying to be charming but got nothing.

Anyways, my other friend who was at the bar with this guy comes back and I tell him about the dude getting all those numbers. Then he laughs and tells me it was the third guy who got all those numbers while he was just standing quietly beside.

After that night we all knew he's been lying this whole time. He still does it, but we just play along. He has pretty low self-esteem and gets extremely defensive when called out.

I think all my friends lie and exaggerate a bit, but as long as it's a harmless lie and it doesn't affect me negatively, then it's okay to let it go.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

I guess we could call them white lies to get out of things like hanging out.
I might just be weird, but I just feel like my mind is working against itself .
and I had a friend like yours except she lied about everything, I think she had a disorder with lying (IE compulsive liar), what i'm talking about is very different though.

 

[Valhalla]

Not getting honesty, doesn't matter if it's positive or negative, can create paranoia and eat you from inside. You're thinking, for example, does these persons create a certain atmosphere when you join in? The only thing you can do is put them against the wall and demand honesty, but it's risky since it might change something to the worse. Or you can try to "decide" what they're thinking about you, but then there's the chance that you create a bubble which will burst when they actually say what they think or you hear something which you weren't supposed to hear.

Perhaps one needs to be in the background, for a while, if there's the suspicion that a group are growing tired of one's presence or certain behaviour. You're not being frozen out, you're still part of the group. Maybe it can give some opportunity to view matters from the sideline and rebuild a cracken wall. Just don't let them slowly push you off the cliff.

I don't know what your place in the group is. But sometimes the deck of cards can clash with the permanent Joker or King. And one could use the time just to blend in.

I'm not sure if these rantings helped aything.

 

[ShelbyModerateSP]

That defiantly helped, I'm one of two people I guess you could call "leaders" in my group of friends, and I like your advice, sometimes I feel like i'm in too deep in all the stuff of our friendships. Stepping back I feel like would relieve a lot of stress out of my life.
I've also started to stop talking to a few friends who I think are honest culprates of lying to me, and being abusive friends.
I just wish our mental patterns and emotions weren't so complicated, so that if someone did hurt us, it wouldn't really matter. Maybe then Social Phobia wouldn't even exist.