amnesiacinsomniac
Active member
I have had social anxiety since I can even remember, which was around 5 years old. I was born into it unfortunately.... my father has anxiety my mother has depression. Put them together and here I am!
That is part of my reasoning of never ever EVER having children. To even fathom the idea of a child going through what I've gone through is unthinkable.
Back to my train of thought... which is really what I want to disappear. I'm 27 I've been on meds for over 10 years, i've been on everything under the sun, I've been to dozens of therapists done cognitive therapy etc etc etc etc etc
Very long story much shorter: I'm going through more stress in this past year than i have in my entire life. I got comfortable at my old job back in Missouri as a dog groomer, I was happy but thought I could do more. I took all those nice little positive thoughts and ran with them! Accepted my mothers plea to move to california to start my own mobile dog grooming business. I felt like I could take on the world. That ended when the moving truck stopped in her driveway. The man she was living with (now married to) was.... to round everything he is into one word... an azzhole. Manipulating, degrading, jealous of me and my mother's relationship, he tore my spirit down ripped it apart and spit on it. While they lived in the house, they let me and my boyfriend stay in the camper up the road. His influence on my mother changed her.... influenced her to be someone I didn't even recognize. That alone broke me in half, losing the one person I could talk to about my problems. They let us know that we were incompetent to even BEGIN to think about starting a business, and decided to up and move to nevada, giving us 10 days to find an apartment in a strange state and hardly any money. I was a complete and utter mess...
I went from feeling like the queen of the world, to a being not worthy of life. I'd never cried so much in my life, my face was a permanent puff. My self talk wouldn't stop argueing in my head, I couldn't stop pacing, digging my fingernails into my palms, the awful knot of dread in the pit of your stomach that you can't make go away no matter what you do. The instability was killing me literally. And even relapsed a little on self mutilation which I have been strong for almost 3 years. At one point I actually went down the hill to the house to find the gun in that top drawer he left it in, always threatening to shoot my dog. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you feel like you've hit rock bottom and there is no climbing out. Fortunately the gun wasn't there. The ups and downs were too much. I even made a motivational poster, at thte time I made it I was very proud of it and it actually inspired me. Hours later even glancing it made me sink because I would never achieve any of those goals. I was thinking, look at me.. I'm a crazy person, I wanted to start my own business?
By some miracle we got an apartment, and I got hired on as a dog groomer at a petco nearby. My mother stopped talking to me when she moved to nevada..... writing a few hate emails on how I'm a selfish brat going nowhere in life. That made me feel really good inside. The constant busyness of working made things settle down a bit. My mind was busy, everybody loved the way I groomed their dogs and I even had tips and tricks to teach my salon manager, I felt useful. I started feeling some stability. I poured all my passion into that job, it was the only thing keeping me semi-sane. Despite the long hours, my boyfriend working a job in a different city and only one vehicle, and barely having any time to spend with him..Compared to how we were living before on a hill in a camper in the middle of summer with no airconditioning, I could almost say I was happy. My happiness ended last week.
Long story short: A girl working in our small-knit shop decided to dislike me for whatever reason, I guess you could say *picked on me daily until it felt to the point of harassment. One stressful day, she comes into work says something degrading and my mind snapped. I wasn't going to take this any longer. I told her I was sick and tired of her singling me out and harassing me like this. She told the manager... called hr... said that I was harassing her, basically manipulating the system to work for her to get me fired.
So her false harassment case against me got me fired. There's a lot of shady grey areas I won't go into because they don't matter anymore. I was baffled that this could even happen. At first I was in denial... surely someone in the human resources department was going to see this case and realize theres soemthing very very wrong with it! But again, my having faith in anyone has only caused me heartache. I called attorneys, I even called my father for advice whom I rarely talk to due to other life obliterating reasons.
It's been 7 months since I've talked to my mother. I remember one thing that stuck out in my mind in her last email. "The mother you knew before is dead and gone, if you are ever in trouble I am the last person that will ever help you" I think that sentence will be buried in my head forever.
Attorneys couldn't help me... due to the fact that california is a (we can fire you for whatever reason we want) state. I was a mental case... the uncertainty and the unfairness of what had gone on was infuriating. Plus the fact that I make at least twice as much as my boyfriend makes, and I can no longer make the rent. In comes the negative self talk, repeating conversations I've had with recent people over and over and over in my head and sometimes wishing i had said a little more a little less, what if I had told them this, or that. Wracking my brain as to why this young girl hates me so much to blackmail me and get me fired... my mother hates me, she left me here alone when she begged me to come. I'm in a state where I have no friends or family, I tell myself it will be okay over and over I feel like my brain is at war.
My stomach is knotted so much I can't eat, I'm so worried that I keep throwing up. I've paced my apartment for hours just because it makes my stomach feel a tiny bit better. Either that or having something wrapped tightly around me or sitting in a closet full of clothes. Ever since I was little when I got anxious or had a bad attack I'd be in the back of my closet wrapped in covers in the dark. Lately that is me, hiding in the closet with my arms around my knees. My boyfriend tries to help, he tries to be there for me, he doesn't understand a lot of it but he does try.
I thought maybe taking a walk outside would help instead of pacing in circles... but I open that front door... and i can't go out. My mind reverts back to when I was a teenager and I was scared to death to go anywhere. The park, there's people that may talk to me .... stores, loud noises. I hadn't gone anywhere in a week. I know sunshine is good for depression but opening up the shades made me even more anxious. My self talk wouldn't go away. I feel like there's little demons in my head arguing over and over. My moods are so flippant, and to make it worse I feel so bad for my boyfriend having to deal with me. I'm bawling one moment and when my selftalk stops I have a tiny break to be normal. I've tried various tasks, but lose interest easily and end up pacing again and the selftalk starts in again. I try to tell myself positive things.... This isn't the end of the world. This is just a silly corporate company. This is only a small obstacle in life. We can figure something out moneywise. My mother isn't evil she's only brainwashed. Worrying accomplishes nothing. Stress accomplishes nothing.
And the negative self talk... unfortunately i feel that it's winning.
I'm going to end up like the homeless people on the street eating trash and muttering to myself, I won't be able to afford my medication, I won't be able to afford my rent, I won't be able to afford to move back home if need be. on and on and on.
Pacing and closet squishing and trying to not even let thoughts of hurting myselef even ENTER my mind.
Yesterday I had had enough. I picked a tool from my anxiety *toolbox* as one of my therapists had talked about. And put on fancy clothes, fixed my hair put on makeup and went to go see a movie. I didn't want to.... I almost turned around when i opened the front door. But i made myself do it. We went to go see a HAPPY cartoon movie, and the big screen actually made all selftalking go away for a full two hours. BUt upon exiting the theater it all came rushing back. I had to goi back to my apartment, back to my problems. And today my boyfriend is at work and I'm here alone, my mind is going crazy and I don't know what to do. Seroquel stops all self talk but also makes me go to sleep.It's a medication I'm supposed to be taking but due to no insurance its 400 dollars for a months supply that i can't afford. I've downed cocktails of overthecounter meds to see if anything will help this selftalk. Nothing has worked, except when I'm sleeping. I have 3 seroquels from a friend, that I've been slicing into small bits to take in the evening so I actually can sleep. Otherwise I wake up and selftalking starts again in the middle of the frickin night.
I could call my psychiatrist that i have here now in california, but a visit to him is 200 dollars I don't have. I can't take this anymore.
Please, does anyone have a suggestion to make this selftalk GO AWAY?? Theres things I should be doing like looking for a new job, possibly having to move etc etc etc but whenever I think of these things I end up making it worse go into a crying fit and sitting in the closet. It's emotionally draining.
I need help, especially when I feel like I can't trust myself to be alone while my boyfriend is at work. What do I do? I've resorted to asking you all who know what I'm talking about.
ANY suggestions WHATSOEVER wilil help.
That is part of my reasoning of never ever EVER having children. To even fathom the idea of a child going through what I've gone through is unthinkable.
Back to my train of thought... which is really what I want to disappear. I'm 27 I've been on meds for over 10 years, i've been on everything under the sun, I've been to dozens of therapists done cognitive therapy etc etc etc etc etc
Very long story much shorter: I'm going through more stress in this past year than i have in my entire life. I got comfortable at my old job back in Missouri as a dog groomer, I was happy but thought I could do more. I took all those nice little positive thoughts and ran with them! Accepted my mothers plea to move to california to start my own mobile dog grooming business. I felt like I could take on the world. That ended when the moving truck stopped in her driveway. The man she was living with (now married to) was.... to round everything he is into one word... an azzhole. Manipulating, degrading, jealous of me and my mother's relationship, he tore my spirit down ripped it apart and spit on it. While they lived in the house, they let me and my boyfriend stay in the camper up the road. His influence on my mother changed her.... influenced her to be someone I didn't even recognize. That alone broke me in half, losing the one person I could talk to about my problems. They let us know that we were incompetent to even BEGIN to think about starting a business, and decided to up and move to nevada, giving us 10 days to find an apartment in a strange state and hardly any money. I was a complete and utter mess...
I went from feeling like the queen of the world, to a being not worthy of life. I'd never cried so much in my life, my face was a permanent puff. My self talk wouldn't stop argueing in my head, I couldn't stop pacing, digging my fingernails into my palms, the awful knot of dread in the pit of your stomach that you can't make go away no matter what you do. The instability was killing me literally. And even relapsed a little on self mutilation which I have been strong for almost 3 years. At one point I actually went down the hill to the house to find the gun in that top drawer he left it in, always threatening to shoot my dog. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you feel like you've hit rock bottom and there is no climbing out. Fortunately the gun wasn't there. The ups and downs were too much. I even made a motivational poster, at thte time I made it I was very proud of it and it actually inspired me. Hours later even glancing it made me sink because I would never achieve any of those goals. I was thinking, look at me.. I'm a crazy person, I wanted to start my own business?
By some miracle we got an apartment, and I got hired on as a dog groomer at a petco nearby. My mother stopped talking to me when she moved to nevada..... writing a few hate emails on how I'm a selfish brat going nowhere in life. That made me feel really good inside. The constant busyness of working made things settle down a bit. My mind was busy, everybody loved the way I groomed their dogs and I even had tips and tricks to teach my salon manager, I felt useful. I started feeling some stability. I poured all my passion into that job, it was the only thing keeping me semi-sane. Despite the long hours, my boyfriend working a job in a different city and only one vehicle, and barely having any time to spend with him..Compared to how we were living before on a hill in a camper in the middle of summer with no airconditioning, I could almost say I was happy. My happiness ended last week.
Long story short: A girl working in our small-knit shop decided to dislike me for whatever reason, I guess you could say *picked on me daily until it felt to the point of harassment. One stressful day, she comes into work says something degrading and my mind snapped. I wasn't going to take this any longer. I told her I was sick and tired of her singling me out and harassing me like this. She told the manager... called hr... said that I was harassing her, basically manipulating the system to work for her to get me fired.
So her false harassment case against me got me fired. There's a lot of shady grey areas I won't go into because they don't matter anymore. I was baffled that this could even happen. At first I was in denial... surely someone in the human resources department was going to see this case and realize theres soemthing very very wrong with it! But again, my having faith in anyone has only caused me heartache. I called attorneys, I even called my father for advice whom I rarely talk to due to other life obliterating reasons.
It's been 7 months since I've talked to my mother. I remember one thing that stuck out in my mind in her last email. "The mother you knew before is dead and gone, if you are ever in trouble I am the last person that will ever help you" I think that sentence will be buried in my head forever.
Attorneys couldn't help me... due to the fact that california is a (we can fire you for whatever reason we want) state. I was a mental case... the uncertainty and the unfairness of what had gone on was infuriating. Plus the fact that I make at least twice as much as my boyfriend makes, and I can no longer make the rent. In comes the negative self talk, repeating conversations I've had with recent people over and over and over in my head and sometimes wishing i had said a little more a little less, what if I had told them this, or that. Wracking my brain as to why this young girl hates me so much to blackmail me and get me fired... my mother hates me, she left me here alone when she begged me to come. I'm in a state where I have no friends or family, I tell myself it will be okay over and over I feel like my brain is at war.
My stomach is knotted so much I can't eat, I'm so worried that I keep throwing up. I've paced my apartment for hours just because it makes my stomach feel a tiny bit better. Either that or having something wrapped tightly around me or sitting in a closet full of clothes. Ever since I was little when I got anxious or had a bad attack I'd be in the back of my closet wrapped in covers in the dark. Lately that is me, hiding in the closet with my arms around my knees. My boyfriend tries to help, he tries to be there for me, he doesn't understand a lot of it but he does try.
I thought maybe taking a walk outside would help instead of pacing in circles... but I open that front door... and i can't go out. My mind reverts back to when I was a teenager and I was scared to death to go anywhere. The park, there's people that may talk to me .... stores, loud noises. I hadn't gone anywhere in a week. I know sunshine is good for depression but opening up the shades made me even more anxious. My self talk wouldn't go away. I feel like there's little demons in my head arguing over and over. My moods are so flippant, and to make it worse I feel so bad for my boyfriend having to deal with me. I'm bawling one moment and when my selftalk stops I have a tiny break to be normal. I've tried various tasks, but lose interest easily and end up pacing again and the selftalk starts in again. I try to tell myself positive things.... This isn't the end of the world. This is just a silly corporate company. This is only a small obstacle in life. We can figure something out moneywise. My mother isn't evil she's only brainwashed. Worrying accomplishes nothing. Stress accomplishes nothing.
And the negative self talk... unfortunately i feel that it's winning.
I'm going to end up like the homeless people on the street eating trash and muttering to myself, I won't be able to afford my medication, I won't be able to afford my rent, I won't be able to afford to move back home if need be. on and on and on.
Pacing and closet squishing and trying to not even let thoughts of hurting myselef even ENTER my mind.
Yesterday I had had enough. I picked a tool from my anxiety *toolbox* as one of my therapists had talked about. And put on fancy clothes, fixed my hair put on makeup and went to go see a movie. I didn't want to.... I almost turned around when i opened the front door. But i made myself do it. We went to go see a HAPPY cartoon movie, and the big screen actually made all selftalking go away for a full two hours. BUt upon exiting the theater it all came rushing back. I had to goi back to my apartment, back to my problems. And today my boyfriend is at work and I'm here alone, my mind is going crazy and I don't know what to do. Seroquel stops all self talk but also makes me go to sleep.It's a medication I'm supposed to be taking but due to no insurance its 400 dollars for a months supply that i can't afford. I've downed cocktails of overthecounter meds to see if anything will help this selftalk. Nothing has worked, except when I'm sleeping. I have 3 seroquels from a friend, that I've been slicing into small bits to take in the evening so I actually can sleep. Otherwise I wake up and selftalking starts again in the middle of the frickin night.
I could call my psychiatrist that i have here now in california, but a visit to him is 200 dollars I don't have. I can't take this anymore.
Please, does anyone have a suggestion to make this selftalk GO AWAY?? Theres things I should be doing like looking for a new job, possibly having to move etc etc etc but whenever I think of these things I end up making it worse go into a crying fit and sitting in the closet. It's emotionally draining.
I need help, especially when I feel like I can't trust myself to be alone while my boyfriend is at work. What do I do? I've resorted to asking you all who know what I'm talking about.
ANY suggestions WHATSOEVER wilil help.
