Anonymous
Well-known member
Hope this helps
OK, this is going to be long- but I have a lot of advice and personal experience with this kind of thing, and I think it might help.
I've been in a similar situation- I never got as low as you sound like you are right now, but I have been lonely and felt angry at everyone else and like no one gave a sh*t about me, or ever would.
It all began because I was too much of a perfectionist, I expected too much from other people. I thought that everyone I became friends with had to be just like me, understand me and basically be my soul mate. I've just started to discover that there are very few people like that in the world and I shouldn't expect to just bump into those people on a day-to-day basis.
Once I took that pressure off of myself and my interactions with people, it all became a lot easier. I was able to accept others more easily and not expect the world from them. What followed was that I became more accepting of myself too. I'm learning to rely on myself more for happiness- I don't NEED others to feel fulfilled, although it's nice to have friends, of course, or people you can just hang out with.
It sounds like one reason you feel more comfortable with computers is because they're predictable- you're afraid of the uncertainty that comes with human relationships. So you just gave up on them. I was like that too (without the computer part)- I thought it was better to avoid other people unless I was SURE they would be someone I wanted to know for the rest of my life. But I could never get to that stage with someone because I never gave them a chance in the first place.
Anyway, my point is, go out there and meet people...any way you can. Don't worry what they think of you, or if they never want to see you again, or if you hate them 30 seconds after meeting them. Don't have high expectations of other people- just make human contact in one form or another. That's a start anyway.
My situation only improved when I FORCED myself to do something social that I was afraid of. I applied for a short-term job that would involve meeting a lot of new co-workers, and approaching people in public to market a product. I was sh*t scared, and almost backed out. But I had decided I was sick of shying away from social situations, so I made myself do it. I took it one step at a time--- first the written application, then the job interview (where I met the boss), then the training day (where I met my fellow workers), then finally the actual job. The first time I had to approach strangers on the street to tell them about the product I was terrified. But I had commited myself to the job, so I went through with the spiel. Slowly but surely, with each person I approached, I got more comfortable, until by the end, I hardly cared at all about what they would think of me. Of course there were moments, or days, when I messed up, felt embarrassed etc., but I pushed on.
Anyway, my point with the above story is that you have to take the same approach I did. Assign yourself the task of getting out of your rut. Make smaller goals, like greeting one person a day, then having a small conversation with one person a week, then asking someone out for coffee....etc.... It'll be like me with the job- one step at a time. Tell yourself you can get through this one task, and just do it. Eventually you'll be improving and things will get easier. If you don't think you're personally disciplined enough to make a plan etc, apply or sign up for something like I did- an activity, club, job or something that will MAKE you do social things. Then commit to it- see it through to the end.
The trick, though, is to not let small hurdles or 'failures' stop you. One way to do this is to just stop thinking so much. I traced a lot of my problems to the fact that I overanalyze everything I do and think. I'd have some social faux-pas and it would bother me for days and I'd come to the conclusion that I was a social dud.
That's why you need to break the cycle now. Every time you get on the computer, I bet it crosses your mind that you don't have any human friends and are a 'loser'. Your behavior is reinforcing your beliefs about yourself. You have to make some changes. Like next time you feel lonely, instead of getting on the computer, go to the mall and just BE around other people. That'll be a start.
I have lots more I could say but I;ve already blabbed on for too long. Sorry if the above is not very coherent, but the thoughts were coming fast and I had to get them down. I hope this helps you. Luck isn't going to do it- YOU have to ACTIVELY change your situation. Just start with the smallest of things and keep going. You have as much right as anyone to a fulfilling relationships and a happy life.
OK, this is going to be long- but I have a lot of advice and personal experience with this kind of thing, and I think it might help.
I've been in a similar situation- I never got as low as you sound like you are right now, but I have been lonely and felt angry at everyone else and like no one gave a sh*t about me, or ever would.
It all began because I was too much of a perfectionist, I expected too much from other people. I thought that everyone I became friends with had to be just like me, understand me and basically be my soul mate. I've just started to discover that there are very few people like that in the world and I shouldn't expect to just bump into those people on a day-to-day basis.
Once I took that pressure off of myself and my interactions with people, it all became a lot easier. I was able to accept others more easily and not expect the world from them. What followed was that I became more accepting of myself too. I'm learning to rely on myself more for happiness- I don't NEED others to feel fulfilled, although it's nice to have friends, of course, or people you can just hang out with.
It sounds like one reason you feel more comfortable with computers is because they're predictable- you're afraid of the uncertainty that comes with human relationships. So you just gave up on them. I was like that too (without the computer part)- I thought it was better to avoid other people unless I was SURE they would be someone I wanted to know for the rest of my life. But I could never get to that stage with someone because I never gave them a chance in the first place.
Anyway, my point is, go out there and meet people...any way you can. Don't worry what they think of you, or if they never want to see you again, or if you hate them 30 seconds after meeting them. Don't have high expectations of other people- just make human contact in one form or another. That's a start anyway.
My situation only improved when I FORCED myself to do something social that I was afraid of. I applied for a short-term job that would involve meeting a lot of new co-workers, and approaching people in public to market a product. I was sh*t scared, and almost backed out. But I had decided I was sick of shying away from social situations, so I made myself do it. I took it one step at a time--- first the written application, then the job interview (where I met the boss), then the training day (where I met my fellow workers), then finally the actual job. The first time I had to approach strangers on the street to tell them about the product I was terrified. But I had commited myself to the job, so I went through with the spiel. Slowly but surely, with each person I approached, I got more comfortable, until by the end, I hardly cared at all about what they would think of me. Of course there were moments, or days, when I messed up, felt embarrassed etc., but I pushed on.
Anyway, my point with the above story is that you have to take the same approach I did. Assign yourself the task of getting out of your rut. Make smaller goals, like greeting one person a day, then having a small conversation with one person a week, then asking someone out for coffee....etc.... It'll be like me with the job- one step at a time. Tell yourself you can get through this one task, and just do it. Eventually you'll be improving and things will get easier. If you don't think you're personally disciplined enough to make a plan etc, apply or sign up for something like I did- an activity, club, job or something that will MAKE you do social things. Then commit to it- see it through to the end.
The trick, though, is to not let small hurdles or 'failures' stop you. One way to do this is to just stop thinking so much. I traced a lot of my problems to the fact that I overanalyze everything I do and think. I'd have some social faux-pas and it would bother me for days and I'd come to the conclusion that I was a social dud.
That's why you need to break the cycle now. Every time you get on the computer, I bet it crosses your mind that you don't have any human friends and are a 'loser'. Your behavior is reinforcing your beliefs about yourself. You have to make some changes. Like next time you feel lonely, instead of getting on the computer, go to the mall and just BE around other people. That'll be a start.
I have lots more I could say but I;ve already blabbed on for too long. Sorry if the above is not very coherent, but the thoughts were coming fast and I had to get them down. I hope this helps you. Luck isn't going to do it- YOU have to ACTIVELY change your situation. Just start with the smallest of things and keep going. You have as much right as anyone to a fulfilling relationships and a happy life.
