I had a bad episode today...

[zav943]

I was feeling sick today at work, so I decided to leave early.

At home, sitting in my bedroom, I heard a loud noise outside. People were getting together for a party, and I could see that there were at least two noisy parties just in the building next to mine...

It bothered me, as it served as a reminder that I'm rarely (if EVER) invited to parties (or anywhere else for that matter). I brushed it off until an hour later when I looked outside and saw how much fun they were having. At that point I thought...I need some fresh air, so I took my car out for a spin and happened to drive through downtown, where there were lots of people having fun at bars, pubs, restaurants...

sigh...

I just pulled over next to a hotel and put my head against the steering wheel. And then the torrent of negative thoughts came rushing through my head (single, aimless, no friends, unmotivated, failure, never amount to anything etc...). I was very close to losing control and having a breakdown, but then my phone started ringing (my dad was calling) so I pulled myself together...

Up until today, I had wanted to believe that I was much stronger than this...that deep inside I was an optimist who looks forward and sees hope, but something happened today...I lost that...I lost faith in myself. i don't think I can ever come to trust people anymore. It now feels as if i have no allies in life...no one cares about me, no one will ever come to my aid when I'm in need...


I'm sorry...

I know people here are grappling with their own issues but this is the only place I can share this.

Thanks SPW

 

[EscapeArtist]

I understand, I feel your pain. Just remember that things will get better, life moves on and we change with it, maybe we get an unexpected opportunity or we break to the point of needing to take a stand against our insecurities. When you feel that way, just let it out so it will pass.
I wish I could help in some way more, but know that we listen and you're not alone, and that you are not a failure.

 

[BlackPuma]

Hey, hey! Don't you feel guilty for sharing your story, yah hear? :3

It's perfectly understandable. Just like how people can't be happy all the time, neither can they be optimistic all the time. Especially not when you're dealing with what you have. Everyone is allowed to feel sad and lonely. There are things a simple smile can't fix.

There's nothing wrong with breaking down once in a while, sometimes it's even good. Just let it out. bottling up the pain, insecurities and sadness will catch up with you. You can't deny your sadness. It defines us just as much as happiness does. So cry when you're sad, be angry when you need to. Afterward pick yourself up again, and face a new day. Don't robe yourself from the privilege to feel.

Don't loose hope, it's just a bump in the road. We all have those moments..

 

[IAMN]

you are correct zav, i do have problems of my own and I am in no position to tell you to do anything. I just have to speak my mind, and it seems that your father cares about you and you to him...and if you ain't got a bucket to **** in, well, you might just have one, and if that wasn't what you were looking for, I hope tommorow, or the next day, or the week after that... that you would tell us what you were feeling when you sat in the open air and that sun was upon you. Good luck.

 

[dottie]

we all have our moments. maybe you aren't enjoying yourself at a party now but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. you will be at a party at some point, and perhaps you will be shy but people are all different and you are awesome the way you are.