pitkreet
Well-known member
Remind youself that not all women are gorgeous and being actively pursued by handsome, charming men. Many women are just plain looking, not particularly outstanding in any way, just want to be wanted and give and receive love, just like us.
To put it in rather more crude language, for every loser guy in this world, there's a female equivalent, chances are we just don't take any notice of them or they are hiding away, like us. Do we have any right to expect to get the "better" women whilst ignoring the "lesser" ones, whilst at the same time complaining that, as lesser men, we're being ignored?
Also, whilst Quixote's description is true as a generalisation, not all women seek precisely the same thing. Personal tastes vary enormously, there are plenty of far less than perfect men who get by fine, they just didn't have SA distorting all their thoughts into negative ones. There are also plenty of women who may desire all these attributes in a man but they aren't attractive to these men so will ahve to settle for less.
What do we do about? Improve ourselves.
I think the most important things is to change our negative thinking patterns. Some of it is self-pitying, so that can be stamped out just by reminding yourself to do so. This is something I've been doing in recent months and it's surprising how quick, often in an instant, I can change my mood when I'm feeling low and catch myself feeling sorry for myself again. I mentally kick myself up the ass when I catch myself doing it.
There's plenty of things you can do to work on stopping negative thinking patterns and adopting positive thinking. But do you really do much about it? Really? I know I don't. I like to tell myself that I do because I've read a few books or articles about it in the past, but I really don't take much action or make much effort to change things. It's little wonder I'm still where I am. It's like expecting to run a marathon by reading a book about fitness, running round the block a couple of times a month and then feeling cheated that I'm not fit yet. Changing deep-rooted negative thinking takes consistent effort, daily workouts.
When you go out to the bar alone, what is it about you that women would find attractive? In my case (not that I ever go out to bars, and certainly not alone!), physically, nothing. I'm puny, prematurely bald, bla...bla...ba...there's that negative stuff again....but I'm sure the sight of me, slumped over a pint of warm beer, at a table by myself is not an attractive sight. So perhaps that's not the best place for me to be going. Instead, maybe I should spend my spare time pursuing more virtuous past-times which will increase my knowledge and experience. I've been going to evening classes in music, something which I find uplifting in various ways - music is intrinsically uplifting, playing music means I can be around people without having to talk so much, I'm learning a new skill, I'm getting away from moping around at home worrying, I can talk a little to the others in the class about our progress and enjoyment of the music. I've also recently noticed that, whilst the class started out about 60% female 40% male, over the months, most of the guys have dropped out and some weeks, I'm the only guy there, yet I don't feel particularly uncomfortable with that and nor do I feel rejected by the women. Previously, I had convinced myself that all women found me completely repellent, but I don't get that feeling at the class. Being around women in a "safe" environment gives me the chance to observe what they're like. On the whole, they're really nice and don't judge you as some horrible little slimeball, it's in my own mind that I'd assumed that's what they allthought of me. Of course, there are some real unpleasant women out there who probably do think that of me, and I've probably decided that if one or two girls were unpleasant to me as a teenager, then that's what all females must think of me, so I withdraw and never take the chance to see if any of them think differently. Ok, I'm starting to forget what this thread is about and I'm sure you've stopped reading it anway, so I can say bum and you won't even notice.
Horatio, I think it would be good to here your opinion, I suspect you're in the same boat I was in 10 years ago (although I didn't know I had SA then, I just thought I was cursed or something), but I can assure you that giving up, whilst it can lead to a more stable frame of mind rather than the troughs of rejection, you'll never come close to happiness, it'll always be there lurking beneath the surface, you have to face up to it and make the effort. Now that I know I have SA and that there's plenty of advice and stuff out there which I can apply, I know I have to make the effort. The last 10 years of "safety" by not trying or taking any more risk, is just a big empty void and a waste of a life.
To put it in rather more crude language, for every loser guy in this world, there's a female equivalent, chances are we just don't take any notice of them or they are hiding away, like us. Do we have any right to expect to get the "better" women whilst ignoring the "lesser" ones, whilst at the same time complaining that, as lesser men, we're being ignored?
Also, whilst Quixote's description is true as a generalisation, not all women seek precisely the same thing. Personal tastes vary enormously, there are plenty of far less than perfect men who get by fine, they just didn't have SA distorting all their thoughts into negative ones. There are also plenty of women who may desire all these attributes in a man but they aren't attractive to these men so will ahve to settle for less.
What do we do about? Improve ourselves.
I think the most important things is to change our negative thinking patterns. Some of it is self-pitying, so that can be stamped out just by reminding yourself to do so. This is something I've been doing in recent months and it's surprising how quick, often in an instant, I can change my mood when I'm feeling low and catch myself feeling sorry for myself again. I mentally kick myself up the ass when I catch myself doing it.
There's plenty of things you can do to work on stopping negative thinking patterns and adopting positive thinking. But do you really do much about it? Really? I know I don't. I like to tell myself that I do because I've read a few books or articles about it in the past, but I really don't take much action or make much effort to change things. It's little wonder I'm still where I am. It's like expecting to run a marathon by reading a book about fitness, running round the block a couple of times a month and then feeling cheated that I'm not fit yet. Changing deep-rooted negative thinking takes consistent effort, daily workouts.
When you go out to the bar alone, what is it about you that women would find attractive? In my case (not that I ever go out to bars, and certainly not alone!), physically, nothing. I'm puny, prematurely bald, bla...bla...ba...there's that negative stuff again....but I'm sure the sight of me, slumped over a pint of warm beer, at a table by myself is not an attractive sight. So perhaps that's not the best place for me to be going. Instead, maybe I should spend my spare time pursuing more virtuous past-times which will increase my knowledge and experience. I've been going to evening classes in music, something which I find uplifting in various ways - music is intrinsically uplifting, playing music means I can be around people without having to talk so much, I'm learning a new skill, I'm getting away from moping around at home worrying, I can talk a little to the others in the class about our progress and enjoyment of the music. I've also recently noticed that, whilst the class started out about 60% female 40% male, over the months, most of the guys have dropped out and some weeks, I'm the only guy there, yet I don't feel particularly uncomfortable with that and nor do I feel rejected by the women. Previously, I had convinced myself that all women found me completely repellent, but I don't get that feeling at the class. Being around women in a "safe" environment gives me the chance to observe what they're like. On the whole, they're really nice and don't judge you as some horrible little slimeball, it's in my own mind that I'd assumed that's what they allthought of me. Of course, there are some real unpleasant women out there who probably do think that of me, and I've probably decided that if one or two girls were unpleasant to me as a teenager, then that's what all females must think of me, so I withdraw and never take the chance to see if any of them think differently. Ok, I'm starting to forget what this thread is about and I'm sure you've stopped reading it anway, so I can say bum and you won't even notice.
Horatio, I think it would be good to here your opinion, I suspect you're in the same boat I was in 10 years ago (although I didn't know I had SA then, I just thought I was cursed or something), but I can assure you that giving up, whilst it can lead to a more stable frame of mind rather than the troughs of rejection, you'll never come close to happiness, it'll always be there lurking beneath the surface, you have to face up to it and make the effort. Now that I know I have SA and that there's plenty of advice and stuff out there which I can apply, I know I have to make the effort. The last 10 years of "safety" by not trying or taking any more risk, is just a big empty void and a waste of a life.
