I feel so offended and misunderstood by this...

[Feathers]

Hey HeadFace, I think you handled it pretty well - you told that you thought it would be just 3 of you and that you'd be more comfortable like that... and yeah she seemed to be pretty cool with things too, like what Remus said..

I know it sucks if people change plans suddenly without telling you their intentions beforehand..

I think that by suggesting you don't have to come at all then she just meant to sort of just give you an option and that she'd understand... If the people have already been invited, it's very difficult to 'uninvite' them... Also, there may be things you don't know underneath, like certain other people might like certain other people or whatever...

It's very difficult if people you like don't get along well - I was in that situation quite a few times where people actively (or not so actively) disliked each other, and it was very stressful.. eventually I kind of dropped contact with all who were too fussy about hanging around with others or talked badly about my other friends.. So, that's something that may happen if that person or her friend really likes those other people too (just to warn you) If you REALLY dislike those other people, it may be very difficult too - in one similar situation I kinda dropped contact too (with all of them).. So, it depends how much you like and dislike those other people..

Maybe for next time just make sure if it's just going to be 'the three of you' or 'more people'...
I think she's right to say that it's good to make an effort - CBT teaches people exposure too...
And in real life later on you may be forced to learn to hang around or communicate with people you dislike too: eg at work etc. (Your boss won't ask you 'do you like Team B leader', they'll just say to get together and prepare a proposal together or whatever. I know you may want to find a different job, in many places networking and learning to communicate and cooperate with different people is important.. That was just an example. Learning to tolerate even people you dislike is a marketable skill )

So, you could just go and 'expect to not have fun' and just take it as 'anti-SA practice' or maybe admit that you genuinely don't really like those other people (but that may be a bit hard as you already said to her it was not 'personal' so she took it as you don't dislike those people... hm?) or that you feel that you don't really 'click' with them - maybe that would be easier.. if you don't have any really good reasons for dislike (such as: drug dealers, immoral people hurting others etc.) you may fall in the situation as described above.. though maybe she'd understand it too..

 

[krs2snow]

Its super easy to be offended when ur not talking face to face. U miss out on the inflections and facial expressions that the other person is making when they reply. U can't show the other person ur facial expressions and inflections in voice in ur responses either if ur not face to face. I can see how u'd be offeneded by the convo. u posted though. But, and this is a big but, I think mostly ur offended b-cuz she didn't seem to get where u were coming from and didn't offer u the support u were seeking and needing from her. As Remus said, she doesn't have a PhD in psychology. She has no idea what ur dealing w. Also, she's dealing w/her own insecurities and issues. Her issues may not involve Social Anxiety but whatever they are, they're just as important to her as ur issues are to u. I think u should re-read ur conversation w/her and look at both of ur responses from an objective viewpoint- as if they were written by two pple u don't know. Try to see it objectively rather than emotionally and see if that doesn't offer u new insight.

 

[nicole1]

I'm reading, not all the way through. But I know that some people just don't, can't, and won't get it. It's more than being shy and awkward or thinking someone is out to get you. It's almost inexplicable.
And I understand why you're offended. You're pretty much misunderstood and in a way, being ignored.
You don't have to be in certain situations that make you uncomfortable. You don't have to kiss her a**. You should be some where fun and that makes you happy. ~~is something a friend should say instead of being oblivious and rude to what's going on.

 

[nicole1]

Yeah... But the sad part is that she is shy herself. I guess not shy enough to have SA or SP. So I thought she would understand.

Anyway yes... I've tried it. It's hard for me. Whenever I'm in groups I try hard but end up failing awkwardly and very hard.

I understand. It's more severe than shy. I hate groups. Especially eating in groups. ::

 

[HeadFace]

The exact same thing happened to me once. :| I swear, I was so pissed when I suddenly found a bunch of people tagging along in what was supposed to be a small group going out to the mall.

My friend didn't understand either. She even looked hard at me for a second because I was "being so picky". So I just went "what the hell" and went with the horde of people. And then, guess what happened? I was left alone. I was the one who instigated the whole thing, and in the end I was left alone - yet again.

SO. Yes. I think it's perfectly okay to feel offended.

We have social phobia. Nobody understands us, but us.

P.S. I don't mean to be nosy, but are you planning on continuing to be friends with her?

Oh god... Yeah I know what you mean. Basically I've learned that "hey wanna hang out with me and ___?" translates out to "Hey wanna hang out in a big random group of people you dont know of about 10?"

Anyway... Probably, yeah. I know she didnt mean it. But I couldnt help but feel insulted.


Also thanks for all the support everyone. I understood she never meant to hurt me, but people in general just make me feel like I am way too anxious to be around.
And to the mistaken people, she isnt the one who invited me. It was another friend, who invited like 4 other people to the mix. agh. I know people keep telling me I should go or I'll never get over it. But the thing is that I kept telling myself that, and it seems like it's the same thing everytime I'm in a group. Which is why I'm scared to go.

 

[sullyS25]

Spot-on. That's what I've realised about myself lately too. Often I just dismiss other people, like I don't like them, when really, I just don't like how insecure and inferior I feel next to them.
Its all about learning to like yourself. If you're happy with yourself then other people won't bother you.
I have to say sullyS25 I think you speak a lot of sense on this forum, I always like your posts

Thank you much Twiggle, I enjoy reading your posts as well. I completely agree that it is all about learning to like yourself. Someone once told me that you see others the way you see yourself which makes sense. When I was a drug addict and alcoholic I hated myself and that lead to me hating everyone else. Now that I am content with my life I dont really notice the bad things about people anymore, I tend to see the good in them....for the most part

 

[DeadCities]

If it was the me back in the day I would have agreed to go, only to have "something come up suddenly". Now I would have had no problem with going. It takes time to do these things however. I know it sounds hard but you should suck it up and go because these are exactly the types of situations that help you grow.