I feel like I constantly offend people

[worrywort]

Anyone else feel this way?

If I don't "stop and chat",
if I don't keep in touch,
if I decline an invitation,
if I ignore a Facebook request,
if I'm not hospitable enough,
if I fail to notice or comment upon something about another person; their new child, an engagement, a life event,
If I don't talk in a pleasant, friendly manner,
if I don't keep the conversation "light",
if I disagree with someone,
if I give my true opinion,
if I don't keep the conversation flowing and there are awkward silences,
if I don't contribute and "pull my weight" in a conversation,
if I say something inappropriate or politically incorrect,
if I don't offer to help someone enough,

This list could go on forever. I think this is why I generally feel like it's better to avoid people altogether, because if I don't know anyone, I don't have anyone to offend.

Anyone have any thoughts or solutions to this type of thinking?

 

[LoyalXenite]

I worry regularly about things like this.. Dont have any advice or solutions for you though, but I feel you

 

[spider04]

Yes, and I'll never know if I am just being paranoid or I really offended someone. Unless I ask, but that's not going to happen.

 

[Miserum]

Yes, my thoughts exactly. This is something I deal with largely, even with people I know decently well.

I haven't come up with an answer yet. Every time I decide to eschew the feelings of others, I feel like an *******. But I also feel unhappy when I consider other people TOO much. It makes me feel like I'm being pushed over or restricted.

I have considered the fact that maybe I'm just too sensitive. A few of my friends and family have no issue not responding to my texts or emails 25% of the time, which hurts my feelings. I can't tell if that's just the nature of texting/emailing, and I'm being overly sensitive, or if I just have friends that aren't very considerate--btw, having friends is not mutually exclusive from social anxiety. I tend to be a nervous wreck around even my friends. But to get back on point, I always respond to texts/emails because I think that I might be hurting the receiver's feelings if I don't (just how my feelings are hurt when I don't get responses). Will they be hurt if I don't? Or is that just a projection of my sensitive disposition?

I can tell you this though. I have lost friends over saying things that could be perceived as obnoxious, at least from my point of view--even though there was no malice behind my words. I don't think we can be friends with everyone. There are just too many personal nuances and varying life philosophies to make that a realistic goal. People have different personalities; if you can't "pull your weight" in a conversation, maybe that person isn't for you, and vice versa.

One thing that helps me be confrontational is to research my beliefs and to try to detach myself from them emotionally. If someone disagrees with me about something, and I have researched the topic thoroughly, I will at least have a reasonable place to argue from--facts, figures, logic. If I step on their toes and they get offended by virtue of my own beliefs, that's their problem, since I know my opinion is based in reasonable evidence. I will have some degree of confidence that they might be being silly for being emotional, and that my stance is relatively solid, even if it hurts their feelings. Doing this makes me less afraid of offending someone. Of course, I try to be as tactful as possible, but sometimes tact isn't enough in warding off offended feelings.

But arguing is stressful. Sometimes I just let them talk and become a listening ear. Some battles aren't worth it.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks for the replies. it's nice to know I'm not alone

And thanks Miserum, that's good advice. I do that too sometimes. If I can feel confident that my own boundaries have good justification, then that at least extinguishes the guilt and the hit on my self esteem a little. Still sucks knowing that you've probably upset another person though, but I guess I can't control other people. Plus I suspect I upset people a lot less than I imagine. A lot of it's probably just in my head

 

[Pacific_Loner]

People are very easily offended in the 21th century and it's not necessarily your problem. You just need to try and adapt if it becomes a problem with a significant number of people in your surrounding with whom you need or want to interact on a regular basis.

If you are yourself very easily offended, it could be that you are projecting this on other people as you said it yourself. I do that too sometimes. I think I hurt someone with something I've said or done but then I realize later that it was not the case at all. Then other times I'll say something or do something that in my view is completely innocent and I will learn later that it was very hurtful to someone. If I have the energy I try to adapt to each person according to my knowledge of their emotional sensitivity. But that's where human relationships starts to be too tiring for me.

 

[Sacrament]

I think that if you never do any of those things, and if people are genuinely inviting you to do this or that, it would be a good idea to consider their feelings and how you would feel if it were the other way around.

It's always healthy to stop and chat with someone whose company you enjoy, or to engage in things with other people. Obviously, don't do this just to please others, but also keep in mind that it's unhealthy to always shut everything down.

In sum: take other people's feelings into consideration (if they deserve it), but don't force yourself to do things you genuinely don't want to do. If you see someone wants to stop and chat but you don't want to do that for very long, talk to them for a couple of minutes and say you're in a hurry.