I don't wanna be here

[CosmicNeurotica]

You have that feeling that you're not where you want or should be in life.
Where you know, if only that one small thing had happened in the past your life would be completely different.
I hate it.
I've been dying inside with despair.
And going to the doctor doesn't help, because all I can think is "I shouldn't be here." And seeing the doctor, all I can think is "I was supposed to be in your shoes."

But supposed to isn't what happened. And I think it's amazing how one small tiny thing in your life can completely change your lifestyle, who you are, how you think, what you do, and the person you become.

Destiny has lead me at this time to create this topic.
I don't want to be here.

 

[systemanic]

In life there are no guarantees. Things happen, good and bad (and in-between). In actuality, we control very little of our lives (around the order of 5-10% at best). One of the things we can control is our reactions to events/circumstances. For instance, you can control whether you view whats happened as good, bad, or neither --> see Why Positive Thinking is Bad For You

Where you know, if only that one small thing had happened in the past your life would be completely different

Maybe so, but what about trying to focus on all the things that haven't changed?. The things that would still be the same if that (thing) hadn't happened?

... shouldn't ... supposed ...

The word "supposed" is a dangerous word! (and "should", "ought"). Your plans/goals for life have obviously been frustrated/thwarted. I know it will be hard, but why not "roll with the punches" more, and don't stop with your life, but keep going with life, almost like that event never happened. As i said before, there will be things that haven't changed - try to focus your mind on those, and on the positive things still in your life (and maybe 1 or 2 positive things gained from this massive lifestyle change).

Humans are the most resilient of creatures on this planet (well, bar cockroaches & rats maybe). We can adapt to almost any changes that happen to us. You are strong - YOU CAN DO IT!!!

 

[Dronee]

Yeah... I know what you mean. But we still have to live on somehow though.

 

[theblank]

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here either. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. When I was younger I had lots of potential. I came from a good home and had plenty of advantages, yet I still managed to become a total screw up in life. I'm barely able to provide for myself and feel lost and confused all the time. I see a therapist...whose not even a good one...and wonder why I don't have a job helping people when I seem to be cut out for that sort of thing. Then I'll visit a friend's house and wonder why I don't live in a nice place that I like. Why did everyone I grew up with turn out normal with jobs, homes, wives, etc. and I turned out to be such a mess? What happened to me? How do I get out of this never ending nightmare from hell?

 

[Feathers]

Hm, you can still HELP people, even if you're not exactly a doctor or something.
Or what would be the 'core' wish or 'touchstone' of your wish?

For example, you can help people through a charity or do volunteer work.. You can even help people online, on forums, help them see things differently etc.
True, some people get paid for it, if it's volunteer work it can be even much more valuable.. Not all people can afford to go to a doctor..

And with the 'crisis' and iffy things happening in the world, it can be even more important that we all learn as much as we can on how to get healthy naturally, with herbs or such.. You could join a 'herbal club' or 'relaxation club' or something else that helps people lead healthier lives..

I can relate to seeing others who may seem to 'have it all' and thinking 'Oh, I'd like that too..' and well, it may still happen.. maybe in a different way.. Our paths in life are different and very unique...
People with families and houses may also feel jealous of your 'freedom'! (They don't know you don't wildly party every weekend! )

I know people who were 'in a mess' and managed to 'get themselves together', get jobs, a partner and a life.. So I think it's possible..

 

[theblank]

I know people who were 'in a mess' and managed to 'get themselves together', get jobs, a partner and a life.. So I think it's possible..

I hope so. I've been trying to "get it together" for many years, but so far it's not working out. It's sad what I've become.

Thanks for your encouragement.

 

[Anti Matter]

What you are, what you have become and who you are define you as a person just because society tells you or you think that you are below people doesn't mean you are, remember one small thing can happen in the future that can dramatically change everything. Every person deserves the right to be here.

 

[awkwardamanda]

I found out I was diabetic when I was eleven. I honestly believe that if it weren't for that I would be a very different person right now. I'm not saying I would have been outgoing and become a party animal or anything. I'm pretty sure I still would have been at least somewhat shy. It's certainly not the only thing that triggered my SA, but it definitely had a huge impact and I made one real big mistake because of it. I have to test my blood sugar many times a day (mainly before meals) and I hated the thought of having to do that at school. I could easily have just gone into the bathroom and that doesn't bother me now but it did at the time. My mom was a stay-at-home mom so I was able to go home at lunch. That was no big deal in grade six. However, it was off to a new school for grade seven. It was just far enough that I couldn't walk home at lunch and make it back in time. So I got my mom to pick me up everyday. I had no idea how much I would regret that later on. Now, I had two friends from elementary school, R and K. K is still a friend. R, however, turned into a biatch. The two of them went and made new friends during lunch hour. There were a couple of times when my mom was unable to pick me up at lunch and that was okay early in the year because I just hung out with them. But, K moved and went to a different school partway through the year, at which point R no longer wanted anything to do with me. I wasn't cool or popular. She was the type that would do anything to fit in and be accepted. So I was left alone. After that, the few times I had to stay at school for lunch were brutal. There were four large foyers off the main hall where the lunch tables were set up. The tables were pretty much like a long row of picnic tables. I had no one to sit and eat with. Even if I didn't need to use the bathroom I still had to go test my blood sugar anyway, so I was always the last to grab a seat. I'd have to squeeze into some random empty space and sit and quietly have lunch, feeling awkward as hell, while everyone around me was in there little groups, talking. Halfway through we'd get kicked outside. If I could I went to the library but there was limited space. If I had to go outside I just wandered around alone, feeling awful. During grade eight I actually made a new friend in my class. So a couple of times I awkwardly asked to tag along with her and her friends. I got to know them a bit and by grade nine I decided to stay for lunch all the time because I finally had people to hang out with. Only one of them is still a friend. The others (including the one I met first), I either drifted apart from, or chose not to continue hanging out with. If I hadn't been diabetic, or if I had at least made the decision to stay at school for lunch in grade seven, my whole friend situation would have turned out quite differently. I likely would still have drifted apart from R and not made the same friends as her. But, at the very least, I would have been around other kids outside of class and had the opportunity to get to know them. Even once I did make new friends, I still felt like such a loner all throughout junior high and high school. My friends were rarely in my classes anyway so I still felt like crap and had no one to talk to or do group work with. If only I had known better.

 

[BlueDays]

Yep, I know exactly what you mean. I am so far off the life I could have had, it's unbelievable and too painful to think about.::
I don't want to be stuck here in this life either.

 

[Feathers]

Amanda, I know three girls with diabetes (diagnosed young/around your age) and they are all happily married and have beautiful families.
Two of them have University degrees and have had cool jobs.. (Yes, they still need to measure insulin and ideally watch what they eat..)

It may not have been the best decision to not have lunch at school, at the time you thought it was best, and at least now you know better and can perhaps advise other kids with diabetes?

I had a similar situation with friends in primary school, one of them started hanging with the 'in' crowd, I got transferred to another class, and guess what - met a lot of interesting people (who liked me!) there too.. Then got transferred again.. It makes it a bit odd, and I really hated it at the time, being separated from previous classmates/friends, but I think it also helped me learn to get to know new people, because I was forced to...

Yeah, I heard lunches in the US could be brutal.. Luckily it was not such a big deal where I live.. You just sat in tha classes where you normally sit or went outside for a sandwich or so.. I wonder how it is now that they've made some changes...
Glad you managed to survive all that!!

I was lonely a lot as a teen, then read some books that helped me turn my life around.. Things may still sort of relapse sometimes, I do know that I have techniques to make friends if landed on Mars or wherever.. In 6 months or so, one can make new friends or get to know people..
There are a lot of good books on communication etc that can help..
Some people who stayed with the same friends all the time, never learnt how to do this..
And just learning to accept new people in your life as they are is a big and important quality.. Glad to hear you made new friends!! Know you can still make many more!!

Is there like a 'diabetes society' for kids where you live? I know there's one here, they can go to the seaside together, have camps or educational activities.. You could even be sort of a mentor/big sister to other kids, who are more new to this..

 

[awkwardamanda]

Amanda, I know three girls with diabetes (diagnosed young/around your age) and they are all happily married and have beautiful families.
Two of them have University degrees and have had cool jobs.. (Yes, they still need to measure insulin and ideally watch what they eat..)

But I bet they weren't shy beforehand and were never teased about it. I was insecure and wanted to keep quiet about it and let as few people know as possible but word got out and kids are mean.

Is there like a 'diabetes society' for kids where you live? I know there's one here, they can go to the seaside together, have camps or educational activities.. You could even be sort of a mentor/big sister to other kids, who are more new to this..

I'll have to pass on that. I hate kids and I really don't want to do anything that would draw attention to me like that.

 

[LovelyAmor]

For me, it wasn't just one little thing. It was a series of events that happened over a period (years) of time that ultimately led up to my SAD that I have today.

I was mentally and emotionally abused as a child. When I went to school it was just a reassurance of how much of a piece of s**t I was. School was always hell for me. It's like my my mom would come and take me out of school when i was overwhelmed but she would abuse me when we got home? Funny huh? I've never had a real social life. High school the worst for me. I almost dropped out in the 10th grade and my anxiety was so bad that I had to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I had to start taking anti-depressants (which I sometimes still take now, not as often though). I was ashamed and I felt like my mom and grandmother were ashamed of me. It bothered my grandmother the most because she did everything for me and tried her best with me. And for her to see me like that I just felt so bad. I had to transfer to an all girl middle college. It was better and at least I graduated. I didn't go to my prom.

My grandmother and grandfather passed away a year apart from each other around that time. The traumatic thing about it is, I found her upstairs having a stroke and it was almost like I watched her die because it was happening so fast and the damage has been done by the time the ambulance came. My grandfather died because of alzheimers, but mostly because my grandmother was gone. We lost the house because my mom never worked and she couldn't work now because of a heart condition. She is in California with my aunt now. I was shocked that I actually got into college but as far as my social life is concerned, it is still the same. I feel so lost and afraid. My grandmother was the only person I could open up and talk to about anything. Now she is gone. I have NOBODY. And I trust NO ONE. I'm 18 and a sophomore in college now and I still haven't "grown out" of this s**t like people told me I would. Still stuck. Some life huh? ::

 

[LovelyAmor]

My wife lost her beloved grand parents in the recent past. Like you, her grandmother was literally her mom at one time.

One behavior she has is to easily make friends with the elderly.Though I can be very reserved, I have met several very interesting people and love the friendship the elderly can share. I think for both of us it is kinda like filling a void left by people we loved who are gone now. It has also made for really endearing relationships.

I don't know if that helps at all but I wanted you to know that I sympathize and am on your side.
I also admire your academic skills. Eighteen and in college, you deserve a big pat on the back. I do understand what a challenge it is.
Of course this is Coming from a high school drop out who is envious.LOL

Yes i do as well. I was always around adults as a kid so it is easier for me to talk to them. I love talking to them because they can give me really good advice about life like my grandmother used to.

Thank you. But you do not know how shocked I was when i was accepted because my grades were NOT good in high school (but i did improve towards my senior year: Haha thanks! It is more a challenge than you think. I feel that if I had not been through the horrible things in my past that I would be able to deal with not just college, but life in general you know?

Please don't be envious. Just because you did not graduate high school does not mean that you won't be successful in life. There are some people who graduate from college, with honors, but end up doing NOTHING with their life, either becoming cracked out on drugs or an alcoholic (my mom had friends who ended up like this). And thank you for the encouragement.